A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got back in touch with an old male friend around 9 months ago. We were close friends years ago and I was a good friend of his girlfriend. I've been in a relationship with someone else and whilst it started out as friends only, around 3 months in he started showing he was clearly interested in me.The messages quickly got highly sexual after that.I have since split up with my boyfriend for other reasons. Our sex life and emotional connection was basically none existant so once we had split, I was keen to have sex again with someone else. I slept with this guy friend. It was great and liberating. He showered me with compliments including after and it made me feel great and a good distraction from the break up. He is adventurous and I found myself interested in trying out new things.He says he's up for whatever I want but also tends to open up to me emotionally, has even mentioned we are 'like childhood sweethearts' when we slept together. He also keep saying how he doesn't just see me sexually,he thinks I'm an intelligent amazing woman and not only are we sexually compatible but we have a great understanding of each other and can have the best discussions too.It's confusing me, part of me thinks the sex and exploring this would be fun, part of me thinks there is too much emotion here for that and I may end up talked into a friends with benefits situation which I'm not sure about. What should I do? Go with the flow on this one? Try and dial it back to friends only and if so how?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): A bit strange that you state you might end up being a FWB, isn't that exactly what this is and what you wanted?
You can be friends with a man and it can turn sexual and develop but YOU wanted some fun and nothing serious so you have to ask yourself do you just want that from what started off as no strings sex?
Sure you can carry on and it might just peter out or one or both of you could get serious.
I guess the only thing you can do is have a think yourself if you are getting further into something you only wanted to be just sexual, do you want it to be anything else and then once you have worked that out sit with him and communicate and see what he is thinking..
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 November 2018):
 It can get confusing as because I look at FWBs as emotionless relations. Sees like men don't want to date anymore, but they feel like they have to play some emotions in, to lure women into FWB situations. People who talk friends into sex are lazy and don't want to risk rejection in dating. I think you are smart that you knew it won't turn into anything serious and you didn't look at him as boyfriend material. You like each other intellectually and sexually. The thing that is missing is the romance. The respect that only comes after long term dating and trust. If you go with the flow with this, you might let emotions blur the truth. Either of you might cling onto each other when there's no reason to, if the your relationship has no promise of long term. It would be possessiveness, jealousy and insecurities rather than true love that's forcefully binding you two. You sound like someone who has never been in an FWB for long. I had been, for 3 years. There were fun times, there were times we wished it was real. The insecurity was too much and the trust was never there. It was not something I would ever repeat. I became someone who would not have sex with anyone who I do not see long term intentions. To be liberated from a bad relationship is liberating enough. Maybe it's my age. After sometime, sex loses its urgency.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): Relationships only work when both people involved want the same-thing; and both are emotionally-invested. Don't agree to commit, because the sex is good.
You don't seem to know what you want exactly.
Friends with benefits become uneven or one-sided; because one person catches real-feelings. The other was only in it for the fun. Infatuation complicates things. Make sure you tell him that you're not interested in a FWB arrangement; but you're willing to explore the possibilities. Bail-out the minute you see things taking a wrong-turn.
You jumped into this feet-first right after a breakup. You tried to make a seamless exit; so you wouldn't have to deal with loneliness and post-breakup emotions. Sex happened almost immediately. Unexpectedly your past-relationship is going to come bubbling-up to the surface. You haven't really dealt with that.
If you're not both on the same-page and emotionally-invested; you'll be back here writing a post to DC in a couple of months.
Dialing it back to friends-only after you've introduced sex into it is like jumping off a cliff; then deciding you want to stop falling two minutes after you jumped. There's no turning back. You can't stop in mid-air like a cartoon!
Sex will keep creeping back into the middle of things every-time you're tipsy, upset, feeling lonely, or in vulnerable/sentimental moments. Things get really confused; because feelings change after "friendship-sex." Lines get blurred.
Proceed with caution. It's okay as long as both adults know what they're expecting out of it. Be consistent about it.
Don't bait him in, and suddenly switch; when the L-word comes out of nowhere!
You can't play back and forth between friends and lovers; it will get really messy when somebody decides they want to see other people.
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