A
female
age
41-50,
*lappy
writes:I am 30 years old. My live in boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me, and moved out and into his new girlfriends place in May 2009. A very good male friend of mine, split from his wife, and I let him stay with me until he could get on his feet. He tried several times to reconcile with his wife, but only because they have a 6 year old son together, and that is the reason they got married in the first place. His family and his church convinced him to "do the right thing." And even after he and her split, they continued to tell him to "do the right thing." Which in their eyes is to make it work in your marriage. Well my good friend and I have always had feelings for each other, but didn't know it until he came to stay with me. We both talked about how we should wait til he was divorced before we started a relationship, but we didn't. Now I'm pregnant, and his divorce is final in January 2010. I do care for this man, and would love for our relationship to work out, BUT i'm not going to marry him just because i'm pregnant. And even though i haven't done things the correct way, i'm trying to make the right decisions now. My problem...i still care a great deal for my ex. I have no idea if my ex still has feelings for me or not. Since he is living with his new girlfriend, i'm assuming he does not want to work on our relationship. Obviously the best advice is to leave men alone, and concentrate on myself and my baby....but my emotions are going every which direction. My ex and I have talked a few times, and he has said he still cares for me, we arealso trying to get together for lunch as soon as our schedules allow it...do i tell him my feelings or just try to remain friends with him??? It would make the most sense to work it out with the father of my child, i'm just not sure he is ready to commit to me the way i need him to.
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female
reader, slappy +, writes (2 February 2010):
slappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again! Well I took everyone's advice. I got closure on my ex-boyfriend, and have put my whole heart into working it out with my baby's dad. I thought things were going well, we weren't fighting, we went shopping for baby stuff, and talked about moving in together in June when my lease is up. One day his ex wife sent him a text message about him being a better man....some country music video. That got him down. Even though he didn't want to be married to her anymore, its still tough going through a divorce, especially when there is a child involved. He thought i was being snotty with him, and i wasn't, but we got into a fight anyway. I told him to give me my house key back, and to take all his stuff that was there. After he confessed that he's been sleeping with someone else. We aren't together...but I was under the impression that we were working on our relationship, and just taking it slow since we both have stuff to work on. I asked him not to sleep with anyone else and if he did to tell me about it. He said he wasn't, and when I flat out asked him, he lied. I told him that I didn't care that he slept with someone, b/c technically we weren't together. He doesn't seem to grasp the consequences on the baby if he were to get an STD.
He says he is not happy with the way his life is going, and wants to get couseling. He thinks that he and I would be a great couple and still wants to move in together in June. He says he knows he can be the man I need him to be. But when we fight he calls me names and tells me he isn't happy that I'm pregnant and never will be and that I'm going to be a bad mother. He says he needs to find a good stepmom so the baby has stability in its life. I may not be perfect, but I have NEVER cheated on anyone, or lied to anyone, i have not given him any reason to call me names. He says I'm spoiled, and only care about myself, bc i put my unborn child before his son, who I haven't even gotten to be around yet, b/c he just got divorced and doesn't want to confuse his son. Now since I am avoiding him, and just trying to take care of me and my unborn child, he wants to go t my next doctor's appointment, we will find out the sex. I want him to be there, but I also want him to grow up. I have known him for 8 years, and know that he is a good guy. I know that we have to get along no matter what, and I would still like for us to work out IF he gets the couseling he needs, and I know he is being immature, and needs to grows up. But does he deserve another chance after everything I've put up with from him???
A
female
reader, ovancott11 +, writes (26 December 2009):
oh p.s by the way, it is natural for him to be afraid before making a divorce final, i mean he does have a son with his soon to be ex, but that takes time and waiting patiently, although hard will be good for him and you because then he may feel less pressure from you, thus he can focus on getting the divorce final and once it is final, he can hopefully be with you without feeling like you had pressured anything.
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female
reader, ovancott11 +, writes (26 December 2009):
your ex that cheeted on you, shows that he cant not commit and isn't truly in it for you... as hard as that is and for me to say,and also having a child, would you be able to trust that he will be there for you and the child in the future? but if the man who has been staying with you is truly caring and you two really want to be together, and your having his baby, which congratulations by the way, although he has had some issues with his wife and has a son, that doesnt mean that he was a bad husband, sometimes people just clash, and for him it isnt healthy for him to follow what others say or what his church says, he needs to do what makes him happy, and if he wants to be with you and your and his baby, that should be a good choice. he obviously cares for you and just because his marrige didnt work out doesnt mean he is unfaithful, so i say go with that father of your baby. good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): My advice for you is that you do not reconcile your relationship with your ex. I guess you could continue to be friends, if you would like, but I really would'nt even reccomend that. I would just let him go. Its always hard to let a person go when you have history with them, but I believe in your case thats its for the better. As for the father of your child, don't commit to anything right away. He's going through a divorce, and you are going through pregnancy. If you start a relationship at this time, when he may not be ready to commit you could be setting yourself up for failure. My advice is to take it slow. Just be live - in friends and let him be a father to this new baby. He should want to be there for his child and go with you to doctor appts and take care of you while you are going through this. This proccess could bring you closer together. Don't get me wrong there maybe fights, but I would think most would be caused by your hormones. If you both decide that you want it to work after the baby's born, then maybe you could be boyfriend girlfriend and see where it goes from there. Just make sure that you want to make it work for the right reasons, and not only for the child. Make sure you want it to work for both, make sure you love each other and want to do this for yourselves and not just baby. I know what your going through, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend and I rushed into things a bit after both our previous relationships ended. We had been friends for awhile but have only been dating for 9 months. Yes, one month after we had been together we found out I was pregnant. We both agree that if we are to stay together we want it to be for eachother, because we love eachother and not just for the baby, although we love him too. And so far we are more than happy, despite our ridiculous quabbles ( mostly caused by me due to hormones, I'm nesting right now and trust me i get bent out of shape if there are crumbs on the counter, yes THAT ridiculous lol) The baby will bring joy, happiness, and financial, and probably emotional stress too. So just be prepared for it. As long as you can make it through that you will be more than happy. Remember to take it slow and GOOD LUCK!!!!
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A
female
reader, slappy +, writes (26 December 2009):
slappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat was i thinking? You all are right....i don't want to get back with my ex. I do care alot about the baby's father. Right now its just very stressful b/c everything has happened so fast. We are not living together right now. He was dead set on ending his marriage b/c he has been so unhappy for so long, his wife got tired of him going back and forth about wanting to work on their marriage so she filed. That freaked him out, and then all of a sudden he wanted to work on it. 4 days later I found out i am pregnant. Now that it is clear his marriage is over...he doesn't want to rush into anything. I know he will be a good dad, and i know he cares about me. I just think i need to relax and take it slow. Once the divorce is final, things will naturally work out the way they are ment too. I never considered myself the type of person that needs a man in my life....but now that i'm pregnant, i'm so scared to do it alone. I know i can, if i have too, just don't want to.
Thanks everyone for your advice.
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A
female
reader, slappy +, writes (26 December 2009):
slappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExactly what is it you need from this man, the baby's father? You do not want to marry him, he sounds ready to commit to you, well if he likes it or not he has to since you are carrying his unborn child. You don't want a marriage, and you are already living together.
We are not living together anymore. Right before i found out i was pregnant, we had been fighting b/c of his situation....he was dead set on leaving his wife, until she filed for dovorce, and then he freaked out and was dead set on saving his marriage. I told him fine, if that's what he wanted, then i wouldn't stand in the way....4 days later i found out i was pregnant.
You all are right...what the hell was i thinking about my ex?? Screw him...he lost a good thing. As far as the baby's daddy goes...he is a good man...and i know he will be a great father. I think i just need to relax, and not worry so much about the future. I think once his divorce is final, and things aren't so stressful we will beable to work things out. He is excited about the baby, but at the same time, i think he is freaked out b/c he is going from one stressful marriage to another stressful relationship. I think we both need time to get over feelings from our exes. Even though i had a moment of missing my ex, and I'm sure my baby's daddy will miss his ex, both of us will be better off without them. Everything happens for a reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Why would you even want to talk to your ex ever again after he cheated on you and abandoned you??!! How could you even think about taking him back or being able to trust him again?!!! If you do that, you're sending him the message that he can walk all over you, no problem. Geez, cut contact with that scumbag and see what can happen with the baby's father. Put your child first and make it your priority to give it a stable home to grow up in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): "BUT i'm not going to marry him just because i'm pregnant"
"It would make the most sense to work it out with the father of my child, i'm just not sure he is ready to commit to me the way i need him to."
Exactly what is it you need from this man, the baby's father? You do not want to marry him, he sounds ready to commit to you, well if he likes it or not he has to since you are carrying his unborn child. You don't want a marriage, and you are already living together. You care for him, he cares for you... exactly where is the problem? Your feelings for your ex? Hun, don't forget: there's a GOOD reason why you left him in the first place, and nu-uh, he's not that into you at all. If he at all cared for you he wouldn't be sleeping with another woman, and getting himself a new girlfriend while still in a relationship with you, moving IN with her shortly after breaking it off with you! Yes, he might care, but thats as far as his commitment to you goes.
The ex is out of the picture. What you should think about is whether or not you want to be with the baby's father. Which it is still a mystery to me why you are even wondering if you want this man or not since clearly you DID want a relationship with him otherwise you'd not sleep with him, right? So what really is the problem here?
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A
male
reader, the vampire lestat +, writes (26 December 2009):
 well what i suggest you do is try to go at it alone why have a man that cheated on you be there he cheated once whats going to stop him from doing it again people never change if they don't want to and he apparently just wants to use you stay clear of him stay clear of your friend just stay as it is with him just friends and try to go at it alone ... good-luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): I think the best thing for you to do right now is to take care of you.
Don't worry about your ex, he has moved on with someone else and those are waters you really don't need to be venturing into - there will only be heartache later when the baby arrives as most men, as much as they have feelings for you, find it hard to be with a women and to raise another mans baby when, if they had stayed with you to begin with, that baby could have been his.
You are, i think, asking for trouble persuing your ex. Let bygones be bygones there and let him try to move on to a place where he may be happy in his life.
As for the father of your baby, it is important to let him be a part of this childs life, but you are absolutely right that you don't have to marry just for the baby.
I was young when I had my son but I still did not marry his father when people suggested that I did. I waited it out to see if we were right together and we werent but we remained friends and communicated for the sake of our child.
If you explain to everyone involved that you need to take some time out for yourself and to get your senses in order and work on building and maintaining friendships, anything more that would come will work itself out.
I wish you lots of luck xxx
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A
female
reader, Sometimes It Just Happens +, writes (26 December 2009):
Just Breath.
Things happen. You need to focus mostly on the child. Second, the father of the baby, needs to know you need him to step up or get out. Finally, go tell your ex how you feel. Explain your situation. Laugh about it.
Just relax for a moment.
You are the mother, act like it.
You have this under control.
That is it.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (26 December 2009):
 This is definitely not a decision to take lightly! I wouldn't put pressure on yourself by feeling you HAVE TO make such a decision right now! Give yourself the time to get used to the idea that you are going to have a child. Put the baby first! See how the father reacts as your pregnancy progresses. Although we lived together, my son's father and I didn't marry till my son was 7 years old. And even that couldn't seal the relationship and offer my son a stable family life! We separated 3 years later. So, my advice is to focus on the baby and your health. Worry about the rest later on!I wish you health and happiness in 2010 and beyond!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): You need to focus on yourself and your child. I would recommend effective birth control until you can figure out how to find decent men who do not act the way you describe. All of the instability, break ups, moving from one relationship to another is NOT a healthy environment for your child to model their relationship skills on. You're going to be teaching your little boy how to enter and jump out of relationships, or your little girl how to be in bad ones...
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