A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, this isn't really a relationship question, but my LDR boyfriend and I are planning to meet pretty soon and recently I've been trying to get everything prepared to go visit him. There are two problems though, I suppose. We're still pretty young and he still lives with his mother. Most hotels in the area require you to be 21 to get a room (even when you book online, they ask for ID when you get there), and because I'm not 21 just yet, that leaves me with nowhere to stay besides his mom's house. The problem with that is that I wouldn't want to impose or bring any discomfort to his mom. He's so excited to get to see me that I don't think he knows all of the worries his mom might have with me staying there. Even if she hasn't expressed any discomfort, I still don't think it's a good position to be in, especially since I know my mom would be uneasy at the thought. On top of that, I'm 19, so staying in another adult woman's house (one that I'm not really related to and have yet to meet) seems like it would call for some added awkwardness. I've mentioned this to him before, about the discomfort, but I think he just can't see it because it's his mom and she does seem pretty cool.I could always get his mother to get the room for me, but even that seems like a bother.The problem really isn't that he lives with his mom (I'd be living with mine if she didn't move me out and pay for me to live in an apartment), so please don't answer with things addressing that, or talking down on my relationship. I just want to know if anyone has any ideas on how I should go about seeing him.
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (19 May 2013):
"anonymous female", please accept my apologies for any embarrassment or discomfort I caused. Your explanation is quite mature and gracious.
(I am actually quite impressed and encouraged by your standards and intentions. They are in line with my own beliefs. My wife and I were both 23 when we experienced the physical and emotional intensity of a double-virgin wedding night, when our lovemaking symbolized and expressed our commitment to being each other's life partner. It's a goal worth working toward.)
Without knowing many details about the circumstances, neighborhoods, etc, I think your idea of having separate rooms at your boyfriend's home is the most reasonable solution. Once again speaking as a parent, I would be concerned for the well being, (if not the actual safety) of an unaccompanied young woman making her way to a hotel. I also recall a few things about being 19, and how this whole experience probably feels like a thrilling adventure to you so simply staying in a hotel makes you feel very "adult".
Recall my experience of staying overnight at my wife's family home just two days after I first saw her. As I previously said, the inconvenience of extending hospitality was minimal - of course, I worked at being a polite and undemanding guest as I'm sure you will, too. I was quite uneasy when I found out that she was relinquishing her own bedroom to me, and sleeping with a sister that night. In my mind it's the gentleman, not the lady, who should be displaced or inconvenienced regardless of who is the "host" or the "guest", so be prepared to have your boyfriend make his bed with a few sofa cushions on the living room floor while you enjoy his bed. If he chooses to exhibit that kind of chivalry, allow him to do so.
(And in the almost 40 years since that visit I have had many occasions to tell people how I "first laid eyes on my wife on a Friday afternoon, and on the following Monday morning I woke up in her bed". Of course it must eventually come out that she was NOT in her bed with me on that Sunday night - that wouldn't happen for another year and twelve days - but people's reactions are often priceless!)
I wish you a very enjoyable and rewarding visit with your boyfriend!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, you read way too much into it. We don't plan to have sex and are waiting for that kind of thing. My reason behind wanting to get a hotel is so she wouldn't have to worry about us being in a situation where that might happen, and was simply for her comfort, just in case. The hotel room I was going to get was for me and only me, so I would have somewhere to sleep rather than sleeping with my boyfriend. I didn't intend to have my boyfriend come there at any point since he and I would just spend the whole day together at his house, or out at other places. Seeing that you read into it that way, I can only imagine how she might feel about it. But even so, I think I might just end up staying with them for my time visiting, and for her comfort, we've decided that we will probably just sleep in different rooms, if there is any discomfort.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 May 2013):
Forgive me if I misunderstand or read too much between the lines, but is the REAL problem the fact that you expect to have sex with your boyfriend, and either his mother doesn't approve of that, or perhaps she accepts or tolerates that behavior but it embarrasses you to do it with her so close at hand? That is a different (but not unreasonable) question from what you actually posted.
I shall answer the question you posted.
As a parent it was never a real problem to host our kids' friends from time to time. Sometimes it was "just a friend", of the same or opposite sex, who was traveling through and needed a place to stay. On other occasions it was a person of romantic interest who stayed for a longer period. Regardless, our kids chose interesting friends and we enjoyed interacting with them.
(You don't fully understand or appreciate this - and that is OK - but most of us parents belong to the same "union" and we have a kind of "brotherhood and solidarity" thing when it comes to each other's kids. Consequently extending hospitality and giving other people's kids a convenient, safe and comfortable place to stay was no more than what we expected them to do for our own kids.)
One more idea to consider. When I was 22 I started dating a certain girl. Due to some pragmatic considerations of time and distance, after our second date (only two days after we first met) I was an overnight guest in her family's house. In fact, most of our dating for the first couple months was done as houseguests of each other's family. In retrospect that contact with our families was a factor in how quickly our relationship matured. We married each other only one year plus two weeks after we first met - and still are, almost 39 years later.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 May 2013):
I think you need to realize that not everyone thinks the same way you do. It's entirely possible his mom doesn't care if you sleep over. When I was that age my parents didn't as long as they liked the girl Ok.
I think asking her to rent a room would be a little awkward since the only thing people do in hotels is have sex. At least in her house she gets to meet you and has some idea of what's going on.
The only other option is to bring a tent and sleeping bag and go camping with him.
...............................
|
