| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I am in a relationship with someone for about a year. I realize that i have insecurity and trust issues with him. Although in the past he has not given me any reason to not trust him, I developed a habit of looking through his cell phone to see who he is calling or who is calling him etc. I realize this is not good. I do feel he loves me. My friends keep telling me I am becoming obsessive and constantly looking or searching for things that he is doing wrong and reading into every little thing and seeing it as a negative. BUT---One night we were lying together on the couch and the lower collar of his white t-shirt i see a straight line thats about half an inch. To me, it looked like lipstick that wasn't mine. I use pink lip gloss. I mentioned you have a mark on your shirt and without really looking he said its probably lipstick. And i said well it wasn't from me-mine is pink and he said well it has to be from you and it came out of the laundry today. I do not see him til 7:30 at night because that is when i get out of work. The stain did not look old--like it set in and it appeared a little darker than mine and when i felt it i could kind of smear it then. He then said so then what are you asking me in a calm way. At that point, I dropped it thinking--ok its me again being too much. I second guessed myself because i felt like if it was a lipstick stain from a girl--wouldnt it appear more like her lips rather than a little straight line or more smudgy like a blot. Is this stupid b/c what does it matter if it appeared as a blot--if it didnt really look like any food and if i was able to smear it--isn't it lipstick then? (And I dont want to hear it was from a sister or mother--really doubtful)This happened a long time ago so i can not bring this up now. I am just trying to make sense of things. Please respond Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): Hey. I know what you're going through. I had problems like that, too. The only thing, that you need to ask yourself though, is not whether it was lipstick or not, but whether you are pushing him into someone else's arms by being so insecure-even if he is not seeing someone else at the moment. And even if he is-he is not gonna tell you with you constantly accusing him and pushing him into a corner.As a matter of fact he is going out with you-and I am very sure that there is a reason for that!When guys have an affair or had a one-night stand the reason for them not telling their girlfriends is fear to loose her...now ask yourself the question-if he has really cheated on you and he told you-are you gonna give him a chance?To be honest with you-in this day and age it is so damn easy to cheat and happens so quickly...However-he is still with you.And no matter whether he did or did not cheat on you he wants to be with you.Don't you want to create an atmosphere, where he can open up to you and tell you what he has got on his mind?Guys are guys-and funny enough there is always temptation around. What they need more than a shag though is someone being there for them. If you can give him that you don't need to worry. Whether he has cheated on you or not is out of your control-whether he is gonna carry on or not however is in your control. You can either push him away buy making clear to him that you don't trust him anyway and by not giving him a chance to talk, because you lay your thoughts on his tongue straight away...or you can give him space and let him come to you in his own time. First of all you have to know, whether you could forgive him, if something had happened.You've had a year together. And I'm sure for you to be with someone for that amount of time there is a good reason for that. So stop a second and think about what you are aiming to do-and then think about how you can achieve that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): I say if you think he is cheating and you haven't been insecure with other men in the past then he probably is. I had a boyfriend of 2 years and did the same thing...checked his phone ect, and felt a little crazy especially since I knew he loved me. I had never been like that with past boyfriends. I ended up finding out he cheated on me 6 times (that I know of for sure). Maybe I am a pessimist, but a lot of men cheat and if you have a feeling that he is...he probably is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (24 November 2006):
 I don't know if it helps but in spain ladies and ladies and men kiss both sides of the faces on the cheek, normally air around when we meet for the 1st time or after a long time and this has no sexual connotation at all, maybe it was just the case I have kissed at least 500 people on my grandparent's funeral, weddings, etc maybe some of my lisptick did go that way into sb's collar do not worry but keep eyes open
love
...............................
A
female
reader, pica +, writes (24 November 2006):
No-one here can tell you that a stain you saw some time ago on your boyfriend's collar was or wasn't another woman's lipstick. What everyone picked up on and responded to is that these fears are making you unhappy. Please address that. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): How come noone has any comments on what i saw though?
...............................
A
male
reader, Prada +, writes (24 November 2006):
Okay first i would like to say that i understand where ypu are coming from but one thing i learned is you are more likley to make them want to cheat if you always read into everything they say.So that they can give you a reason to read into everything.the thing is you just have to trust that he really loves you and cares about your feelings.But there is nothing wrong with keeping your partner a little off balance,but not to much cuz you dont want to drive them away.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 November 2006):
 Your friends are probably right when they say you are obsessing about this. It certainly seems that way from your question. You are over-analysing the details again and again in your head, adding meanings that aren' really there. You said it well... 'I second guessed myself'. You brain is running off on a chase after nothing.
You probably know when you do this. One minute life is proceeding normally, and the next you are entirely preoccupied with some detail of something your boyfriend did. Thinking about it over and over, trying to imagine scenarios where it could mean he was unfaithful to you. The same thoughts over and over, leading nowhere. Each time at the end of your frantic thinking you are no further along the road to a solution, and have learned nothing new. So much mental energy yet no progress.
Coming here shows at least that you recognize this is a problem. The next step is for you to accept that is really your problem, and not his. That this is going on in your mind, not his, and that it is up to you to overcome it.
You will have to learn how to have these thoughts without letting them take you over. They will probably always be there to a degree, that is only human, but where you don't help yourself is by not letting them go. Instead of letting your mind go racing off, just allow yourself to feel the emotions (jealousy mainly probably) when they happen, but don't try to judge or analyse them. Just accept their existence and how you feel at that moment, but don't 'think' about it. You will find that the feelings usually pass quickly, and that if you are not analysing / thinking about them then when they fade you will feel fine, instead of still stuck in the cyclical thought pattern.
It is not an easy thing to do by yourself. You should consider going to see a councillor or therapist. They will be able to give you an outside perspective that will help you find what is 'real' and what isn't. They will try to identify your hidden fears that this obsession is feeding on. They will also probably try to find out why this is happening, you perhaps have some events in your past or insecurity that gets triggered and makes this painful for you.
You can also try some kind of mind / body relaxation techniques. These can be very good for helping you learn to quiet your mind. Meditation is good for this, or something like Yoga or Tai-chi. Each of these puts you very much in your body, not in your mind, and trains you to have quiet thoughts even when your emotions are raging.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, pica +, writes (24 November 2006):
You said it yourself, you have trust and insecurity issues. You need to get these addressed. You should not be routinely checking someone else's phone trying to catch him out. Please get counselling.
...............................
|
