A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused by the actions of a guy I'm trying to hook up with. He is a friend of mine and we have already slept together once, about a year ago. Things didn't work out between us at the time because I was looking for a serious relationship and he wasn't (and clearly still isn't). Since then I met someone, had a rollercoaster of a relationship, got engaged, then we broke up about 3 weeks ago. Now that I'm completely jaded by the idea of love and marriage, I'm looking for something simple and fun, be it casual dating or even friends with benefits. I'm hoping that this guy from my past will be my "rebound guy". We have been corresponding through, email, texts (he began texting me first), and IM. Earlier this week we made plans for him to come to my place. He played this silly game (just like he did before) where he teases me and hits me with pillows to initiate physical contact before putting his arm around me. We ended up making out (pretty hot and heavy), but then he started to seem distracted and said he was going home cause he was tired.I can't stop thinking about having sex with him again. The one time we were together wasn't that great (for me), but I am soooo attracted to him.. I've tried every innuendo I can think of short of saying it flat out. I know he's a commitment-phobe, so I'm trying to be as cool and casual about everything as I can so he'll know I'm not trying to "pin him down". Yesterday I invited him to come over today and he said "maybe", then today he tells me he has plans. Is he "just not that into me"? If so, why did he come to my place and make out with me and tease the hell out of me? Is he just selfish and figures I'll be available whenever he doesn't have something better to do? Is this guy just dense and doesn't realize I'm trying to have sex with him? Should I spell it out in plain english: sex with no strings. What single guy would turn that down? By the way, I've been told I'm a pretty attractive woman. Is he hung up on someone else? Is it even possible that he likes me more than I think and he doesn't want to have sex for that reason? Now that sounds really dumb...help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): Wow. I'm the person who asked this question, and I'm really surprised by this answer. I'm even surprised by the title that was chosen. I do not agree with many of the things AuntyEm said.
First off, I realize it sounds like I'm analyzing this situation to death. I'm the child of a psychologist, that's what I do. If I want it to be so casual, why am I bothered that he won't come over, you ask? Because I'm horny, he turns me on, and I want to have sex with him!
I'm sick of hearing that men don't like women who act like men. You cannot evaluate every situation with a blanket sexist statement like that. Why can't a woman pursue a man? I'm sick of trying to play by these rules.
I won't deny that I care about this man as a person, which is a big part of why I'm so attracted to him. He's not classically handsome, but something about him just does it for me. Due to past experience with him, I KNOW that we cannot have a serious relationship. He's too immature, and he doesn't want kids, which is a deal breaker for me. At best, we could have a fun, sexy fling. What's so wrong with that?
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 July 2009):
 From reading your post, and from an objective view, it seems that you are afraid to admit that you are head over heels for this man. You act like your not bothered, but have tried every trick in the book to get him back into your life. You are using sex like 'bait' to draw him in. Using statements like:
'I'm trying to be as cool and casual about everything as I can so he'll know I'm not trying to "pin him down".
when you are trying so damn hard to start something with him, doesn't make sense. YOU ARE TRYING TO PIN HIM DOWN!!!
Your getting annoyed when he doesn't respond to your advances and calling him selfish. You are second guessing if he has another girlfriend?...why would this bother you, if you just wanted to be casual.
Maybe he is just totally put off by the idea of you throwing yourself at him. Men do have standards you know and they don't like women to act like men!!!
It doesn't matter how attractive you are, acting in this way will definitely turn a man off. You say 'sex with no strings', but it's really obvious that you DO want strings as your getting so upset that HE DOESN'T WANT YOU!!!
If it were true sex with no strings...you wouldn't care if he shows up, or whether he has a girlfriend or what he thinks.
Your trying to fool yourself. You said you were looking for a serious relationship at the start. That is what most women want and need. You have obviously gotten hurt before and now think the way foward is to just be casual. I think your pretending (I could be wrong and it's not intended to be nasty to you)because really you want something more.
Don't do this to yourself, men see through it because it's their game!!! Stay true to yourself and treat yourself with respect. If someone isn't interested in you, then find someone who is...Im sure your worth it!!
Sorry for the tough talk, but I think this stuff is sad and I feel for you.
Aunty Em xxx
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