A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes::]I have just recently realized that I am pansexual (gender doesn't matter) and I don't know how to come out to my boyfriend and best friend. My boyfriend is a devout Christian and doesn't tolerate homosexuality what so ever and my best friend is really pure (giggles when people talk about sex (we're both 18), get's uncomfortable when we are with our lesbian friends). This realisation is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and I know that if I came out to him, he would leave me. I have no idea what my best friend would do and I don't want to lose her or my boyfriend. Is it best just to come out and cut my losses? Thanks y'all, Inge
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Pansexuality in theory means that sexuality transcends gender. That sex is purely instinctual. As opposed to bisexuality, an attraction to both male and female. Pansexuals are gender "blind."
Well the only issue I see is that with your boyfriend. You are in a relationship with him and relationships carry the expectation that you are both solely into each other. Bringing up that you have a sexual point of view different from his might make him question your devotion to him. Why bring it up if not because you want to explore that other side of you? Because you want to explore the desires and options that your sexuality permits you to? I mean are you bringing it up so that he knows why you are attracted to him? Or are you bringing it up so that you can explore other levels of your sexuality?
If my boyfriend came to me to tell me he was bi, I would think he is telling me because he has a side of his sexuality that isn't fulfilled solely with me alone. So if that is the reason you are bringing this up to him, then maybe you both are better off going your seperate ways. If however, you are completely satisfied and devoted to him then I see no point bringing this up.
As for telling your friend, if she is a close friend that you trust, I really don't see why not.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2011):
 What's the difference between bisexual and pansexual? I need this info for the DC Manual.
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A
female
reader, :)31215  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Maybe you lose him, maybe you don't. If you keep this inside though, you're just going to begin to resent him because you can't feel you can tell him everything. He may even pick up that you're hiding something from him.
And as for your best friend... why would she not accept you still. You havent changed as a person, you've just changed who you find attractive. If she freaks out about tht then maybe you should find a better BEST friend, and/or boyfriend.
Besides, BEST friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what happens.. which is why they're your best.
goodluck :)
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Hmm. I don't know how to deal with your friend, but I can give you my amateur religious take on the whole homosexuality thing, which you can present to him if he has a hard time with it.
The proscriptions against homosexuality in the Bible are all in the Old Testament. With the coming of Christ, the old rules change. There's a long, long explanation for exactly what changes and why... the very short version is that, now it's a matter of accepting Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior, not of following every rule in the old code.
That's why it's legit that we don't have to wear head coverings, grow beards, stone adulterers, or collect the foreskins of our fallen enemies. Again, this is the very simplified version; talk to a priest (or your boyfriend, maybe) to get the whole story.
The second point is that the proscription is against homosexual acts, not desires. We're all sinners in our hearts. The idea is to own up to your sins and ask for Christ's forgiveness for them. The urge to sin is the natural state of man since the fall. It's choosing to act in a Godly manner that matters most (of course, this is still simplified, but hey, best I can do for you). The desire for premarital sex and the desire for lesbian sex are basically the same as long as you don't act on them - just sinful urges.
So as long as you're not out cheating on him with women (or men, for that matter), you're fine.
On a related note, if he's having sex with you prior to marriage (you didn't say), he's got less of a leg to stand on.
I'd say come out, carefully, to both. Maybe you'll lose them, maybe not, but it's the sort of thing that can cause problems being hidden away. At least now you'll be a bit prepared. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Why do you feel the need to tell everyone about this? There is no reason for you to have to tell them this, but if you wantto tell them and you are sure then that is up to you and i think the best thing to do is just sit them down and explain how you feel and that it doesnt change the person that you are and the relationships that you have with them, and if you do loose them or one of them then that is there loss as they should accept you for the person your are. Sexuality is just one part of the person, it does not make a person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Well I think if you want to be with you boyfriend then you shouldnt tell him unless you dont want ever presue any lesbian "stuff". I am also Christian and it would be a big problem for me to date a girl who is pansexual. Why do you have the need to tell them ? Do you want sexualy active with same gender?
How did u find out that you are pansexual ? Did you ever have sex with man or woman? I assume that if your boyfriend is strong Christian he wants to have sex after marriage.
I think you best friend would be more ok with it but it could make her very unconfortable being around you when she might think that you are also interested in her. Or find it weird or disgusting.
Why do you have the need to come with this?
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A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Regarding your friend, I really don't know - maybe it is best to come out.
Regarding your boyfriend, the question is whether you want to be with a man who would not accept your sexuality, which is a significant part of what makes you, you.
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