A
male
age
36-40,
*mweaver
writes:I recently started seeing a guy that i have known for quite a while (we attended the same school and live in the same town). He started chatting to me on Facebook after we had run into each other one night. He was always asking how i am, how work is going, what my plans were on the weekends etc and we would occasionally see each other out and have a chat. This went on for a few months, after that He then went travelling for a period of 6 months and during this time still kept in regular contact with me.A few days after he arrived home, he asked when he could see me. However while he was away, i had moved away from our town to be closer to work (aprox 1.5 hours away). This didn't seem to bother him and that same weekend he came to visit. It was great fun, we went out for a casual dinner and drinks and got along really well with lots to talk about. We talked about our school days and how it was very hard to find like minded people to talk to in our home town and we seemed to really be on the same page in terms of values and goals. He seemed really genuine. Anyway, as i felt guilty letting him drive all the way home i let him stay the night, i didn't think this would be a problem since we weren't exactly strangers to each other. After that, he came back to visit a couple of times, (aprox once a week for 5 weeks) but in between these visits, i didn't hear from him as much as i used to, I thought this was strange. It seemed he was only really making contact when he wanted to hang out. There was an occasion where i was at our home town visiting some friends, and i messaged him to let him know and he suggested coffee the next day, however when the next day came around i messaged him to ask if we were still on and he said no he had too much work to do (he runs his own business). The next weekend, i was there again (i usually go back on weekends to see friends) and once again i told him this, however this time he didn't seem to be interested at all and acted like he was too busy to even talk to me. After that, i sent him a message saying that i thought it was strange that he showed no interest in seeing me when i'm actually in his town, considering he usually drives 1.5 hours to see me. He replied back and said that he was happy to make time for me but that he just needed more notice..So later that week, i texted him and gave plenty of notice saying i was going to be in town to see a band play and that i could stick around for a bit if he had time to catch up. His excuse this time was basically "i'm too tired, i'll be sleeping all weekend". He suggested we do something on Sunday, and i said that i was going to back at my place and that i was going to a food and win festival. He suggested that he should come with me but then once i said yes that's fine, he couldn't seem to give me a straight answer, it was just "we'll see". At this point i was pretty frustrated and said that it was beginning to seem like it was too much effort for him to which he never responded. That Saturday night, he called me in the middle of the night asking if he could come over, we had both been drinking so i had said yes, not really thinking clearly. So he came over, slept with me, left straight away in the morning and then didn't contact me at all that week. I felt really used and upset by this, i know it was my own fault but i couldn't help the way i felt. I made contact with him and told him i wasn't OK with him coming over in the middle of the night and then not speaking to me afterwards, i also said that a booty call type situation was not going to work for me. He responded a day later saying something like this "i suck, it's no excuse, i'm having trouble getting back to reality" .... huh?I gave up on trying to make plans with him and the next weekend, a similar thing happened. Came over in the middle of the night, this time he did stay for breakfast, but then he left and i still haven't heard from him. Two days ago i completely lost my cool. I sent him an angry message saying how much of a jerk I thought he was, how disappointed I am etc and to not try to come over again. He has seen the message but has not responded. I'm feeling really embarrassed about this now..I'm worried that I may have over reacted here? But at the same time I do not understand why he can't have the decency to respond to me and give me an explanation, If it's only sex that he wants, then why can't he just say so?!And if that is the case, why would a guy travel all that way each time? Why wouldn't he just find someone closer to him..? I'm really disappointed that someone who I thought was my friend could treat me this way. He doesn't seem to care at all.What should i do? is it best to just forget about him and ignore him next time he contacts me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2016): Dear *mweaverI'm sorry to say but that guy is not interested in you -- or at least in pursuing you as a romantic option.You feeling bad about the way you reacted should really not be taking place.If anything, you should be madder and give that guy a piece of your mind and tell him never to contact you again in no uncertain terms.He pretty much used you and led you on -- knowing you're falling for him, whilst he just took a back seat and enjoyed the ride.Ditch him and cut all contact as soon as possible for the sake of your sanity. Take your time, rebound and move on.Learn your lesson and don't repeat the same mistake in future.Next time, ensure that whoever you decide to give your time, mind and body to with the aim of creating a reliable, adult and balanced relationship is not a projection of your imagination but rather a real person -- with faults and qualities.See this guy for who he really is, not who you'd like him to be.Good luck!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 I can understand why you'd be a bit concerned about the seemingly sudden change in communication and a bit annoyed by his surprise late night visits.
In my opinion, though, you did over react a bit and perhaps sent out some mixed signals of your own. If inviting himself over in the middle of the night annoyed you, then why did you allow it a second time?
Maybe you should turn your phone off at a certain point in the evening, or consider not answering it unless it's family who only calls at that hour for a real emergency.
Personally, I don't see the point in cornering someone to explain their intentions or how they feel about you. I measure those by their actions. They need space because they're either genuinely busy or exhausted or just not that interested. Whatever the reason, I give it without question or hard feelings. If they were just busy, they'll come back before long. If not, I have my answer (which I wasn't waiting around for anyway).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 I think he saw you as a FWB, not a budding relationship and when you seemed OK with him staying over and having sex with him - he presumed you were OK with it too.
Here is the difference with some men and some women. MEN will sleep with a women if she makes herself available and he is attracted, a woman... will sleep with a man in hopes that it leads to a relationship.
I don't see anything in your post that you two talked relationship or dating. Which is why I am making the presumption that he was looking for a FWB and nothing more.
Driving 1 1/2 hour for company and maybe some sex is not a big deal for him obviously. He already knew you and didn't have to put much work into bedding you. And who knows... maybe he already is "cultivating" another girl closer by and THAT is why he was so busy all week-end when you went home.
He put in the effort in the beginning, enough to get you interested and once you started to take over he pulled back and seemed disinterested.
I'm not really sure why you are so mad that he did a booty-call on you. You allowed it. Only YOU regretted it in the morning, he didn't.
How about you either DROP him 100% or you learn to set some boundaries? The guy isn't a mind reader here.
And you call him a friend... People don't really sleep with their friends...
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