A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in my 40s and have been dating a woman for the last 1.5 years. Let's call her T. She is close to my age. Neither of us have been married before. We have been speaking about marriage for a long time now and every day I consider proposing. (I might have done this months ago, but I have had some difficulties in the last 5 months, i.e., my mother underwent an operation and I have been involved in her care, and I lost my job in April and have not yet secured full-time employment again.)Anyway, here is the issue: Before I met T, I was involved in a non-romantic relationship with a woman 12 years younger than me. Let's call her S. She was new to the USA and I helped her out with some things as she had no family here. I was attracted to S, but she was in love with someone else, so I did not do anything. She got married to this other man, and we lost regular contact. This was back in 2013. We exchanged some emails over the years since. S separated from this man in 2016, and he moved to England and then Ireland in pursuit of a career in the theater. She went back and forth to the UK since 2016 in an effort to salvage the relationship. But it did not work and she returned to my city, and is preparing for divorce.We reconnected in April, coincidentally about the time I lost my job. S called me out of the blue. We had not spoken in years. We talked a lot that night, and we have been in regular communication since. As she is in my city, we even met about 4 or 5 times. She is in limbo: her husband is busy with his work in the UK, and is dragging his feet about the divorce. She wants to move on, but feels weighed down by his slow movement. I care for her very much. I want to be friends with her. And she needs a friend now, as she feels alone and abandoned by him and his family (and she has no family here). Yet, I feel very torn about it because I do have feelings for her that go beyond friendship. I feel guilty in talking to her and seeing her because of what it means for my relationship with T.And no: T does not know how much contact I am in with S. T knows I have been speaking to her, but she does not know how often (every other day) or that I have seen her in person. On the other hand, S is very aware that I am seeing T and am close to marriage, and she is encouraging about it, telling me to propose to T soon as I should not keep T waiting -- even though I do not have a job.My questions are:1. Does the fact that I am still attracted to S have bad implications for my relationship with T? If I were fully in love with T, wouldn't I not have feelings for S?2. Should I break things off with S? I would feel horrible about that, since she needs a friend now, and I don't like to discard people. Yet, I find myself distracted by S, thinking about her a lot -- sometimes more than T. 3. Finally: T shares my values but is in her mid-40s and not as young and vibrant or - dare I say it - as beautiful as S. S is an unusual person who has overcome much hardship, yet is much more liberal than I am and has different values. I know intellectually a marriage with S could never work out. Yet, I still fantacize about it Am I a cad? Am I so superficial that I am letting a younger woman's beauty and charm override the abiding care and love of T???I am sorry this is so long. I appreciate your (honest) answers.Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2019): *OP here*
I appreciate the answers. But I do have to say that the harshness of some was unwarranted.
I asked for advice. Were I a complete cad, I would not have done so.
Also, though it is true I am seeing S too much, some write as if I actually cheated with words or actions. There still is a difference between what I did and what someone who cheats physically or verbally.
Thank you
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 October 2019):
 I have often heard others ask about men over the age of 40 who are not, or have never been, married.
Your story is a prime example …
man meets woman who is in same age range, she ticks all the boxes until a pretty young thing with perky boobs and baby smooth skin comes along and batts her eyelashes with a promise of the hidden delights of youth.
Do you really believe your sweet young thang is going to hang around once her husband comes home. She's bored, she is pretending to be encouraging of your relationship with words but not her actions …. you are already cheating on T through your keeping secrets from her.
You are a foolish middle aged man who is thinking with his old fella rather than his brain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2019): Simply put, let both T and S go. You aren't worthy of T's love nor are you worthy of S's friendship. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but you are both superficial and selfish. Let T find someone who really loves and appreciates her and let S find a real friend who doesn't have ulterior motives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): "1. Does the fact that I am still attracted to S have bad implications for my relationship with T? If I were fully in love with T, wouldn't I not have feelings for S?"
If somebody you had feelings for shows-up. Suddenly you transfer your feelings from the one you're with, to someone you've never had a romantic-relationship with. Yes, the implications are bad. It means you don't really love T, and she was just substituting for S. S is still technically married, and you're cheating on T. Terrible implications! If T knew, I hardly think she'd want to be your second-choice; or the one you settled for!!!
"2. Should I break things off with S? I would feel horrible about that, since she needs a friend now, and I don't like to discard people. Yet, I find myself distracted by S, thinking about her a lot -- sometimes more than T."
You're preying on the vulnerabilities of Mrs. S; and it's not about friendship. You're lusting after her, because she young and pretty. So typical of men in mid-life crisis!
By the way... what are you breaking-off? S is still married! Her husband is still clinging to her, and she is essentially unavailable. If you kept out of the way, they may mend their marriage. He's caught between chasing his dreams, and being a young husband. Young marriages are often shaky and filled with challenges! They need time to learn and work through their issues. You're just another complication, weaseling your way in.
Men in our 40's and older! Chasing their fleeting youth, and pursuing younger-people! Forgetting all about their age-appropriate wives, or current girlfriends; to follow their lusts and wild-impulses.
To make matters even worse, trying to pretend their lust is as innocent as unrequited-love or a boyish-crush. It's all below the belt! Leching after youth, and firmer perkier breasts!
Don't propose to T, you're cheating on her! You don't have to lay a finger on S to be cheating. Lusting for her is enough, and the pretense of the caring father-figure is manipulative. It's not wholly intentional to be a cad; but sometimes the subconscious-mind is crafty in getting what it wants; while your better-conscience is asleep!!!
"3. Finally: T shares my values but is in her mid-40s and not as young and vibrant or - dare I say it - as beautiful as S. S is an unusual person who has overcome much hardship, yet is much more liberal than I am and has different values. I know intellectually a marriage with S could never work out. Yet, I still fantacize about it Am I a cad? Am I so superficial that I am letting a younger woman's beauty and charm override the abiding care and love of T???"
Temptation has come your way. The true challenge is to overcome your impulses and use some self-control. Stop thinking with your penis; and let your heart and mind overrule what your lustful-thoughts seek to ensnare!
What does trust, loyalty, strong-character, and true-love mean to you? How much do you value the gift of trust given to you by another person who does really love you? Someone invested and committed, and willing to give. How much does all this mean to you?
If your love is so easily disturbed and distracted by beauty and youth; I don't believe you love T enough to marry her. It is by divine intervention that your proposal was delayed; and the devil sent temptation your way. Better it occured now, than after you were married.
If you truly loved T, you never would have contacted S behind her back. You wouldn't need to write DC; because your heart and conscience would have told you what to do.
Men have to learn how to tame and control our beastly lusts; and be true to those who give us their love and trust. Yes, temptation will come and go. That's how real-love is tested.
You didn't pass the test of faithfulness. You dismissed all you had for the lust of the flesh. Doesn't T deserve better?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): My friend, this is my honest answer! At this point S just might actually love T, more than you do! S was and is a non sexual friend. You are being tempted with her youth and her beauty. S is advising you to propose to T, trying to be a good supportive friend! Let me interject, that a stiff peter has no conscience! Your penis could not care less, if Mr Hard On ruins the lives of 3 people! S is not trying to hook up with you, and you are having too much contact with her, for an honorable man! You are keeping T in the dark about your in person meetings with S, and the amount of phone contact! T deserves the whole unvarnished truth, about every bit of your contact with S! You need to search your mind and heart, to decide if your mind or your penis head, is going to be the ruler of your body! Once T knows the ENTIRE story, then it is her choice to keep you or to drop you like a hot potato! Those fantasies of S, are just the devils clever temptations! He knows our weaknesses and so that is where the devil attacks.
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