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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help. Im sorry if this question drags on a little but I really need help.I had a long distance relationship for two and a half years. My boyfriend and I had initially an amazing, intense relationship, then became quite unhealthy as I became almost obssessive, insecure, etc. He finished with me at the end of last year. I was devastated. For a couple of months I constantly hoped and prayed that we would get back together, but then heard that he was seeing someone else over there. It is now six months since we broke up, and although in some ways I feel like I have moved on, it is still the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the thing that fills my thoughts for most of the day. I can rationalise and see that it wasnt a great relationship and that Im better off out of it, but it is almost an obssession. And I still have to hear about him as his best friend over here is married to my best friend.To make things worse, his new girlfriend is on Bebo, and try as I might I cant stop myself from 'stalking' her page. I know exactly what she looks like ( stunning) who she is friends with, where she goes, etc. I try so hard not to look as I know it isnt healthy but I cant help it.He has just emailed me to tell me that he has passed all his exams and is now a lawyer, and I have been in floods of tears ever since. This was the future we had planned together. I know it sounds like I am crazy but Im not. I have a good job, lots of friends, am attractive and have been out wiht a few different men over the past few months, but nobody compares. Please help me. It sounds like an obssession and I think I need help in some way, but dont know how to go about getting it. What can I do to help myself? Does anyone have any tips for me? I just want to get on with my life and stop caring about him or what he is doing.
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female
reader, roxy09  +, writes (14 April 2009):
I do experience the same thing.I never did believe in love online,and a year a go i found this interesting,charming,lovely guy and little by little we started chatting,talking on the phone day and night and i was drawn to him as a magnet,i loved him before i met him.We had an adventurous relationship,passionate,tears and joy.However the guy was having financial troubles,living at home,30 years old and i was helping him financially.I thought he was the love of my life.i was scared of that feeling when i started dating him.he was like a drug for me,but in the same time i thought he was my best frend.I could have died to be with him.he lived on the island ,so we seen each other three times.I could not imagine life without him,i made him my whole world...for the past moth and a half he was distant and told me we grew apart,and i cried because i showed him lots of love and attention,gave him money,sgifts so we can keep this relationship going...ke kept on being more distant ,calling me rfrom every night ,once a week,after i had to beep him to call me,so everything went to dust when i called him from the airport wanting to surprise visit him because he said he missed me too,and he gave me a cold answer ,saying he is really mad because i came,that is over ,and not to call him or email him,and he deleted me from his msn and web...its harsh,i cried and called him those 2 days and left him messages,and he told me to go home,and text message me is over with big letters really harsh...My heart goes to you,i cried out,i screamed,i bleed inside because i lost him,because he said ,i lost him for this,because my dreams for the future with this man are gone...because i feel so weired,when i thought i will be with him forever,and did not want to loose him...but i did and it has been only 10 days...i try to smile,and go places,but is like i want to dissapear,everything makes no sense,but i hope God will make a way for the best...i wish you can stay strong...
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male
reader, moody  +, writes (7 January 2009):
i've been feeling the same way about my ex girlfriend. we were dating for 3 years and she moved away to university and i stayed home working. after three months she called and told me it was over :( i know.. i've been struggling for a couple months with it as of now. so today i went to see a couseler and she told me to look up "codependentcy. I've read up on this and found myself looking straight into my situation. i had the same problems as you, talking to her online and hating myself for it afterwards. wanting to know what shes up to and stuff. After reading about codependentcy i'm starting to realalize it can be ok to not want to have approval by a partner or anyone else for that matter. you have to live your own life and feel happy by yourself. then people will respect you and you will be apprecated for who you really are, and you well have plenty of people who truely care about you because your YOU. I hope this helps you i little bit because i know how hard it is to have to let go. If your not seeing a couseller I think it will help you and I think you should ask if they will tell you about their experiences first. these people have 20 and 30 years experience with these exact situations. i hope you decide to go for it .. it's worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Your experience is oh so familiar, it seems as if I... am the one writing this story.You yourself began telling your story by saying that you were insecure with the distant relationship.Your first question to yourself should have been why?When two individuals truly commit to one another, even distance cannot stand between them.For me, I was not obsessive and insecure. I was on the other hand, very supportive, attentive and consistent with expressing my feelings. For about 11 months, he also was he same way. In my case my ex traveled 3 weeks out of a month, and I never knew who he really mingled with.Question? Why were you insecure is the question. Did you sense that he was being unfaithful? If your answer was no,and you were the one to change, then your ex could only then come to his own conclusions.It's hard enough to keep a relationship healthy when both persons see each other on a regular basis. But when two people are apart, and one of those persons complains all the time, or makes accusations, then there is no "making up" period or even the opportunity for him to look into your eyes, hold you, and make you feel secure.These often are things that help a person who is insecure, feel better.What you two had 2 and 3 years ago is over now.He obviously felt as if he couldn't make you feel secure, so why would he want to stay. better yet, why would you want to stay in the relationship feeling this way?Sometimes we believe that love is, what you actually described in your second sentence.Remember, you choose to love a person, and test of true love is patience, long suffering, trust and the ability to let a person be their own person.We woman often make the mistake of building our everyday world around the man we "love", and often pay less attention to the other parts of our lives that need our love and attention.Keeping in touch, whether it be a call, a text, an email and a visit has to be enough, if the relationship is long distance.Sometimes we think that we can handle a distant relationship, but it looks like you couldn't!That's ok too. We are all made differently, and love and need differently.You man gave up on you, because you gave up on you.He actually did you a favor. You were suffering!If by chance you do believe in The Almighty God Jehovah, pray ecery day and night for deliverance!I do know what you are feeling, I went through a similiar situation. When you stated that "He finished with you last year" I feel the same way, and it still hurts.However, it WILL heal in time!If he was unfaithful, or deceptive, then ask God t crea a new spirit in you, and forgive him.It wasn't meant to be, for a reason.Believe me, here is someone out there for you Never allow yourself to be insecure by a man's actions or lack of action!Take action on your own and RELEASE... negative and self harming feelings, any doubts that plague you, or any thoughts or persons who steal your joy!Be Blessed In the Lord Always!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I have a simliar dilemma, but my relationship was over 13 years ago. I left her, and I was young and foolish and rough about it. I feel like she still hates me sometimes... I haven't spoken to her but through a brief email exchange five years ago. All this time later, and I've truly moved on and wouldn't move to where she lives and start a new life with her, but if there was a way... my stomach still does flips whenever I think of her.
What I can tell you is that no matter what the past or future holds, you can only love what you have now, where you are, in your current life. Anything else is a waste of what is right in front of you. If it is right, he will come back to you. If it's not, well, if you're paying attention to the gifts that are right in front of you, you might find one that outshines him. ;
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Okay, it's very simple. You have to deconstruct your memories given what you know now. This goes for all of you who've posted here about not being able to get over exes. Every day you try to live your life and move on and forget, only problem is, these fond memories you have of your ex are burned into your mind. Usually they're of nice things like them smiling at you, or making love, looking in your eyes or embracing and feeling truly loved by them.
You sit around and wonder how on earth you went from that to this. It's not complicated, you guys obviously grew apart. This may have been your fault, i.e. needy, obsessive, and just being annoying in general by getting too engrossed in your emotions, or it could have nothing to do with you: you're a great, desirable person to be around, and your ex is, in fact, a huge steaming piece of shit.
So what to do? Where to go? The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter at all whether the breakup was your fault or your exes. The fact of the matter is, it's done, they're screwing other people (and believe me, enjoying it thoroughly) and you're crying and self-pitying on the couch like all of a sudden somebody who cares will magically appear and make it all better. What you need to do is come to reality, and recreate your memories.
You see, every time you think a though, or access a memory, you actually have to re-write it in your brain. Any memory that's retrieved has to be re-encoded, and it's during this encoding that you can, in fact, alter the memory. We do this all the time, whether we know it or not. So what do you have to do, specifically? Every time you think a thought of your ex, put it in the real context of the current situation. They're a scum bag. They dropped you after years of love and sex and intimacy, years of times when they trusted you and would confide in you. If they can do that, they really are scum, period. Men and women alike. Don't buy their bullshit about being friends or missing you always no matter what, they are boinking someone else and LOVING it. Think this when you think of that pretty smile they used to give, and realize that, hey, maybe they weren't all THAT pretty. We idealize our memories when they're all we have left to hold onto, once someone is gone. Don't. See it for what it is. This person hates you know. Do not remember them fondly.
Of course, hating your ex, truly and deeply, every time you remember them, is only for the short term. You have to do this to take away the power those (not so) "beautiful" memories have over your thoughts and emotions. Once this is done, over a course of a few months or so, you can finally just be completely neutral. Just remember them, and say, hey there were good times, there were bad times, it was what it was, i lived, loved, and learned, and now i've moved on. And date people and remember the joy of kissing someone you have attraction for with someone new! Learn from your mistakes at this point, and MOVE ON.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Hey there,I' m facing the same problem here. I have been with her for 7 years. We broke up because she has somebody else. She cheated on me. Initially she still care for me but not anymore. The worst thing is we are still staying together. She is looking for a place to move though. Just imagine seeing her everyday but we don't speak or share stories with each other like we used to be anymore... She doesn't tell me stories of her everyday life anymore. It hurts... There was once she even told me not to contact her, especially when she is with her new partner. I did and it has been for 3 days since then. I still cry every night when she is around but she just doesn't care anymore. I have lost a good friend at the same time. She has promised not to neglect me and I will be her special friend forever no matter what happens, but all these are lies. She broke all her promises. I can't imagine when she really move out. She won't contact me anymore and I have promised not to contact her. I feel so lonely. My friends are supportive and they are always there for me but it is just not the same. I want to be with her. I miss her... I miss having her around and life we used to have. I do not know how to move on. I read a lot of articles teaching people how to survive a break up. I can be rationale at one time and back to my depressed self the next minute. I have mood swing. I really have got no idea how am I going to survive this for long. I really hope I can rid her from my life completely but I just can't. She still mean a lot to me even after what she has done to me and how she treated me like shit. How stupid... I miss her... How could someone changed in such a short period of time and became a complete stranger to you when you are trusting her wholeheartedly? How could she take our break up so lightly? It makes me feel that I'm really worthless, 7 years together is meaningless. How cruel she is to me, just letting me die while she is happily enjoying her new relationship. I have lost faith in love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): hello,
i also have this problem. my ex dumped me too as i was having work problems (ie trying to make a career) with loads of stress and i came to the conclusion that if she wasn't prepared to help us both make a better life for us together then she's obviously best left alone...but i am obsessed. i can't look at photo of her without my heart racing and i have been with others and they're all dull as dishwater..she's newish to the area and with my friends i had before she even moved to bristol-it sucks. i'm really obsessed with this girl, but if it came down to it i think it would fail. the only way it would work for you (and this sounds a little pathetic) is to arrive with someone who you know makes you feel better about yourself and who in this capacity erases the tin pot relationship you had before...(still love her though-she was clever, funny, beautiful in such a tangible way-don't like to se her with others...i thought it would be forever... thats terrible isn't it ??? makes me sound like some sort of psycho......
anyway
bye
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you for answering. But can I ask, how do you cope day to day? I can see the bigger picture most of the time, but its the everyday missing him, remembering all the promises we made about the future, wondering about his new girlfriend that I cant handle.
I guess its worse for you as you were engaged and everything. Im sorry it didnt work out for you. I just thought I d be over the pain by now, and Im really not. What do you tell yourself to get by? How do you deal with it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): Hey you,
I am in pratically the same situation as you. My ex and I broke up at Christmas. Well in fact, he left me. We were engaged to be married and we were together fot 2 and ahalf years.It was a really intense relationship. I trusted him with my heart and soul and he let me down big time. I feel exactly the same as you, but you know what, you have to move on. Ive learnt that everything happens for a reason and may be, it just wasnt meant to be, and if it is, the he will come knocking on your door. please be strong, i know how hard it can be.
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