A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i started dating my current (and first) boyfriend 7 months ago and everything's great - we love each other a lot, rarely fight, etc.issues started coming up however when i found out that he lied about several random and unimportant things concerning his ex who he started dating 10+ years ago and stayed with her for 7 years (5 years long distance). he told me about her and how long they were together from the beginning of our relationship and she never posed a problem for us since it is so long ago and she is on the opposite side of the world. first lie: 4 months ago, I found out that he lied to me about where she went to college... i was under the impression for 3 whole months that they went to college in the same city... and once when we were talking about his college days, i just asked for no particular reason what college she went to. and he didn't want to tell me. a few minutes later, he changed his mind and told me the name of this college near his. a couple of days later, i asked about restaurants in his college city... and he suddenly decided to come clean that she had gone to a college in a city on the other side of the country... i didn't get mad... i just boiled it down to him mispeaking and that he didn't feel the need to explain himself...second lie: 2 months ago, I found out that he had kept in contact with his ex after they broke up and even met up with her a couple of times. I had blatantly asked him multiple times beforehand whether they kept in contact. he insisted that he has never spoken to her after their breakup... and i even said that i thought that was weird... and that i didn't understand why he didn't keep in contact... i made it clear that my principle on exes is that unless it was a bad breakup, it is natural to keep in contact. and yet he felt the need to lie to me until I found screencaps of their post-breakup video chats on his computer desktop (I needed to use his computer for something and her pictures were just visible on the desktop). third lie: last month, I found out that our boss (we work together), when he went to visit my bf's family (our boss had a business meeting in the area), his ex was present and was even introduced as his current girlfriend... i found this out because our boss gave my bf a commemorative book and her pictures were captioned as my bf's boyfriend... but my bf felt the need to conceal the book under a pile of clothes and never told me that she was there when our boss met his family or that his family even kept in contact with her. and this happened after we were together... so apparently, it didn't matter to him that our boss was probably under the false (or not false...) impression that my boyfriend was still in a long distance relationship with his ex.there are even smaller lies that i just think are retarded and haven't bothered to type up. all this has just made me obsessed with her. with each lie, i begin to ask more and more about her... it's not that i'm jealous. i'm just confused... why did he feel the need to lie about her if she really does not hold a place in his heart?
View related questions:
broke up, his ex, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 It is odd that he would lie and hide this from you if none of it was his fault. Because by doing that he is making it his fault by action. So it is ondeed odd why someone with no fault at all would lie and hide things away... Maybe your boyfriend isnt as innocent as you think.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso my boyfriend definitely does not refer to his ex as his current girlfriend, and neither do his parents or any of his friends here (fyi, he's from china, his ex is in china and we're in the us now). i don't expect him to correct our boss' impression as it will be awkward for him to bring up personal matters with our boss.
what i would have appreciated was letting me know that my boss had that impression, in case the topic ever came up between the boss, me and my co-workers. how awkward would it be if our boss mentioned to another co-worker that my boyfriend had a girlfriend abroad when most people in the office know that i'm his girlfriend...
and i also don't understand how my boss even had that impression to begin with. i trust my boyfriend when he says that his parents would never introduce his ex as his current girlfriend. my boyfriend claims that it's the language barrier as his ex doesn't speak very good english and probably tried to introduce herself as an ex-girlfriend but just accidentally said girlfriend. i don't know... all i know is that he tried to conceal all this from me even though none of it was his fault... and such lying has happened more than once
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 November 2011):
The sad part is that you're not really obsessed about his ex. You don't care about her. You do however care about how your boyfriend treats you in comparison to her. He treats her as his girlfriend, or at least doesn't feel the need to correct anyone who assumes she is? That's very, very odd. And unfortunately it speaks volumes of him as a person, if they broke up years ago and he STILL is letting on that she is his girlfriend. And not at least, hasn't bothered to inform his family that he's dating someone new now? Or bothered to correct his boss? Doesn't matter who this girl is, she could be a complete stranger, but you simply do not let something like that happen. You simply don't let another girl impersonate as your girlfriend when she's not, no matter who she is, long term ex or random girl off the streets.
The lying can come down to him just being ashamed of himself or the relationship. Probably he's been picked at for having a long term gf who lived far far away and he maybe met her online or something, and it carried some stigma. He shouldn't lie, but it could be an explanation. Letting her impersonate you as his girlfriend however, and not acknowledging YOUR relationship to friends and family, or the boss in this case, makes it sound like he's not that interested in being with you. A boyfriend who is proud of you, excited to be with you, will be eager to show you off, make sure everyone knows you're his girl, and make sure you feel just as special as you are to him.
Have a deep and solid talk about this recent episode where your boss thought the ex was his girlfriend, and why his family apparently aren't aware of your existence or the fact that he and the ex broke up years ago. Could be he is a secretive or paranoid person who likes to keep his personal life private, which isn't healthy and won't make you happy, because these things will happen again if that is the case.
Re-consider if this man can give you what you want, how old is he? If he's younger than 25 he might just still need to learn how to treat a girlfriend, after all a long distance thing don't teach you how to carry on a physical relationship. But if he's over 25 and still doesn't know... well, then the ship might have sailed and he thinks this is totally acceptable and won't be interested in doing a thing to correct it.
...............................
A
female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (29 November 2011):
Honestly it sounds like they still have something going on, or he himself isnt over her. Why in the world would he call her his gf if they were not still involved in some way? Or maybe he wishes they were and feels guilty about it and is making up lies to you. My suggestion would be to talk to the alleged ex yourself and see what she has to say. Dont be a bitch about it just tell her who you are and that your concerned about whats going on and you want to clear things up and make sure there isnt anything going on between them anymore.
...............................
|
