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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone,i have used this site before and had some really good, helpful advice - wondered if anyone has any tips for this problem??Basically, my problem is that although I have been with my boyfriend for two years, i cant stop obsessing over his exes. One in particular, as I know she was the most serious. I ask him about her as much as I think I can get away with, and always spend hours after going over and over in my head what he said about her. I then get upset - for example, the other night I asked him about her and was spiteful about her, saying that one of his friends had said she wasnt a very good looking girl. My boyfriend then said "Well actually,thats not true... she was very good looking." I cant stop worrying about this now. I also - and I know Im beginning to sound like a psycho here - found his box full of stuff from his past - old letters, pictures etc from friends, family AND girlfriends - and read all the letters from her. I cannot stop going over and over all that I read in these -all " i love you so much" "Dont be upset baby we will see each other soon," etc etc. I even took a few of them home with me to read them properly. Yes, I know I sound crazy. I found photos of her too. ( Im not bothered that he has kept them as this box has photos and letters from everyone in his past, not just this girl).I keep looking at the photos and trying to compare her to me. I am desperate to meet/ see her to complete the picture, but doubt that will ever happen. What makes this all the more irrational is that their relationship was almost ten years ago. They did end up in bed a few times since then when they bumped into each other by chance - Im terrified of this happening again.I would really appreciate some advice on dealing with this obsession. I recognise that it isnt healthy but I just cant stop. Does anyone else feel like me?Thank you xxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2006): I just want you to know you are not alone. It is really easy to obsess over things like this, especially when you are in love and are trying to hold on to something desperately...
My only advice is treat it like you would a diet, or something.. the next time you are tempted to look through things, ask about her, think about their relationship, anything like that at all, just STOP. Think about the last time and how it made you feel. I know I've always felt incredibly guilty about going through someone's things- it's worth it to really try and stop the habit. Also, it's making you feel worthless... remind yourself (as best as you can) how much your relationship means to your boyfriend, all the great times YOU GUYS have shared (not them) because, point blank, their relationship is OVER. Yours, however, is still happening. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to be happy- Good luck!!
(And if you do have to entertain thoughts about it, might as well make yourself feel better and focus on the BAD facts, i.e: his friend said she wasn't good-looking, anything bad he's said about their relationship, and the fact that they are not together! for a reason... I mean, it's mean, but sometimes it's just hard to stop your mind..)
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