A
male
age
30-35,
*uy220
writes:I posted a week ago about how I had been struggling to move on with my life after being betrayed by my friends in the past -- best friend started dating my ex two weeks after the break-up when I was very depressed, then both were malicious to me several times in the following year without me provoking or even contacting them.Anyway, the advice was mostly to move on with my life. So I had a few ideas. I have a friend I know over the Internet, who I know is legit so I was going to visit him in England (I live in Scotland) for a few days, come back, book driving lessons and get a job. The visit was my idea as well. I was also thinking of signing up to hand out leaflets for a local charity I think has a worthy cause that directly benefits me as well -- the local council are trying to close a local park I go to often, and the campaign is to keep it open.Anyway, the problem is now my family more than myself for now. My mother is completely against me going on this break to visit a friend, which I think I need as I've had no interaction with any friends in a year. First she said the train route was far too risky, pick-pockets, missing trains due to the times etc. So i found a better route with 20 minutes between train changes so I have time to find the stations, plus it avoids the city she said I shouldn't go near. It was a good compromise. But she's still adamantly against it. Despite me knowing the guy for five years, having spoken to his friends from real life on the Internet as well, having spoken to him on the phone, having proof he is who he says he is, she's still convinced he's either a rapist or a murderer. It's ridiculous. She's also still convinced the trains are too risky, and that it's all a bad idea. Now, I'm 18, so this shouldn't be an issue. I should just be able to go. But I had left my Debit card to pay for the tickets at the computer when I went out of the room, and it's now gone missing. It's become very obvious she has hidden the card so I can't buy train tickets, and therefore have to stay at home. I'm very angry about this. Not only am I old enough to go on a relatively easy train route to visit a friend, but I blame this sort of thing for half my psychological issues. How can I feel independent enough to do things like getting a job if my mother can step in and prevent me doing anything she dislikes? How can I trust anyone if a friend of five years is still a rapist/killer when you have heaps of evidence to the contrary?She also said I shouldn't do the charity thing as it was petitioning the Government to do something -- apparantly that makes me look like a trouble-maker.To be honest, I'm just sick of my mothers own insecurities dragging me down. Yes, I know, her heart's in the right place etc. etc., but at this stage I'm not really willing to become a hermit because of her own problems.The rest of my family don't seem to care either. They're all acting as if I'm mad for suggesting this, even although my younger brother often sleeps over at friends houses who they've never heard of, in an area where someone got stabbed to death last week. Most of them find the situation of my missing debit card amusing. Only my brother is somewhat sympathetic.So what do I do? I need my card back very soon to make the booking or I can't go. I can't find where it is though, and she won't tell me a thing. My friend himself is going to visit people in another country as he met them online, he's even met people in America who he met online, so I can't see the problem.Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): You know I am not in your life, nor do I know your past family history. But I am going to throw some comments at you..and if I'm not on target, then so be it. Jyst take what you want from all this. Plainly it's tough for your Mom to let go here, isn't it. The tricky part for well-meaning Mom at any stage is to promote a balance between allowing their kid a healthy exploration and a safe environment, without putting up walls and obstacles in the way for you to have an autonomous, self-directed life. Honestly, you sound like a wonderful young man and a good son. I can understand your frustration fully with Mom's behaviors. I am a Mother to three children-2 adults and 1 teenager (16). We know your Mother loves you, we know she has fears for your safety, but, do you think because she'slived through your past depression and seen your pain...maybe she feels you need a safety net. I, myself have 2 sons. One is strong, solid and sensible. He could handle anything life threw at him, at 15, 16, 17 and 18. He left home at 18, and went out and got a good paying job...working 12-14 hour days. His work ethic is exemplary. He was always a goal oriented person, handled his personal problems with common sense and maturity. So when he left..I basically shoved him out the door and wished him the best. I knew he's be okay. However, my younger son at 16, has now left the home to gain independence, so he says.. He never contacts any of us..we don't where he is. He's still very immature yet, still needs guidance, and is a classic follower, has a very caring, gentle, gullible, type of personality and has been taken advantage of, out there. I am heartsick as a Mother. I have found out, he's gotten into dope, drinking and making all-round bad, bad choices with his life path. He's lost and I am worried sick about him. So understand, how a Mother thinks. When she see her kid struggling through social issues/depression problems, she's usually the one there to help and pick up the pieces...right? Most women view protection of their children (no matter the age) as a form of nurturing. A mother's behavior like this, can be misconstrued as very controlling and suffocating. This is what you are seeing but your Mom feels she is simply...protecting and nurturing. Please understand that her anxiety over protecting you from all the bad stuff in the world...is stressful for her...very stressful. She knows she has to let go and allow you to experience life. But she worries about you. So you have to prove this to her. The only way is to reassure her. If you are over your past anxieties and troubles, you have to let her see that. Take a cell phone and call her along the journey... and let her know when you get to the destination. Before you do that, sit with here and let her know everything about this friend. Is it possible to introduce her to this person? She needs to be assured.
However, at 18, I do feel this trip is a good opportunity. I honestly think your Mom needs to talk to other parents and possibly a family counselor. She needs to learn coping skills on how to let go and put trust in you, that you will make good life decisions. I want you to ask her to do this. I want you to ask her to think about her own actions and behaviors here, and help her determine her motivations for 'why' she does this. Maybe you need to hear 'why' she is this way...it could have something to do with your past troubles. This is why you need to ask her, is she doing this because of her own anxieties or is there a real and justified concern for your safety, happiness and well-being. What I am seeing here is a Mom who really fears you will not make good life choices out there, on your own. At least not yet, You and she have to arrive at a healthy balance and compromise.
Firstly, ask her for your debit card back and tell her she is to respect your life and your privacy. She is basically sabotaging and trying to stop you...that's insulting to a young man trying to venture into a life of his own. If there is a Father in the home, you must enlist his help if you can. Father's understand this need a adult child has for growth and independence. Also, at 18, consider making a big move out of the family home if at all feasible, in the near future. This will be hard on Mom, but it is essential and healthy for you to do this. And encourage Mom to get some insights from other parents and perhaps a counselor , and hopefully with time....she'll come to understand and she'll trust that you can truely handle life on your own. I wish you the best, hun and good luck
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Gosh this is very unfair. At 16 I went from Peebles to Edinburgh to London on the train to meet my pen pal and there was no trouble or problems. At 18 you should be able to take a trip. To take your debit card is a very strange and controlling move and I can't see why a mother would be like that. I can only imagine she is lonely and doesn't know how to fill her time when you are not around. I know it is going to be hard for her but she is going to have to get used to this as one day you will leave home so it may be a good idea for her to start to prepare for it now in little gentle moves.
Cancel the card or go to the bank and withdraw some cash and buy the tickets. I can appreciate you want her blessing to go and it spoils it in some way if you feel she isn't happy for you to go but I think you have every right and she must have seen how unhappy you have been over the pat year. Go and have some fun!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Go to the bank and get another card. Your mother has a screw loose. Buy your tickets and take your trip. And follow through with your other ideas as well. Once you get a job, start saving up so you can get your own place. It's your life, time to untie those apron strings.
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