A
female
age
36-40,
*attieC
writes:i have recently had my 21st birthday. before i go on i want to say that i am not a spoilt child, i have worked since i was 16 now work in the city for a large commerical firm after completing my degree. i have always struggled at home, i fought for independance from a younger age and still am treated like a child in my own home, i have been with my boyfriend for over a year, he was a family friend previously and he is a decent hard working kind guy and my dad is happy for me. however my mother i dont think likes the fact that i stay at his place most weekends (i must note here that if there are any kind of family plans or anything i always attend).since being at uni i have found it hard at home, me and mum have always had a volatile relationship, we can be getting on one minute then she will start arguements and say things such as " i dont know why you bother coming home" i often get upset by her comments, i have been told by friends i should argue back more and stand my gound, if i do i feel incredably guilty. my grandma is ill at the moment and its causing even more stress on the family so another reason i feel i cant. i have never felt good enough in the family, straight away my boyfriend said it is obvious my older brother is the favourite in the family, even though i have acheieved better educationally, i am more independant and sociable. so, she can be quite nasty when she wants to be and she knows i wont answer her back because i feel bad if i do. for my 21st birthday i got the usual clothes, perfume, jewellery. however from my parents i got a suitcase and a painted cliche birthdat wine glass. i hid my disappointment on the day but i am really upset by these presents. as i am in graduate training my wages are low meaning a holiday will not be possible for a number of years. basically, i dont want a suitcase, i think they thought it would be something nice for me to keep as they got my brother one for his 21st but he was going travelling in the next few days after his, they also gave him a large sum of money to pay for his travels. i know i sound ungratful but out of all the things they could have got me (i even had a list) not once even verbally did i mention a suitcase. i dont know how to tell my parents that i dont want this, in fact, i dont mind if i didnt get anything material from them, i'd rather they just started treating me as a 21 year old. im being asked what i got and feel embarassed to say a suitcase as i feel unwelcome enough at home without them buying me that for my 21st. how can i tell them i have no need and rather they just took them back, same with the glass. we arent too bad money wise as a family but feel the presents they got me are just a waste of it and this makes me feel bad accepting them when i have no use for them.same goes for my present from my brother, a slightly above average percolator for coffee. i like coffee but i rarely if ever drink it at home and have never expressed an interest to own one. again, the waste of money issue applies. i try and put a lot of thought into their presents and am not ungratful, i just feel even more like they have no idea about me.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 January 2012):
 I still think you need to get yourself your OWN home. There is a time when you need to leave the nest Honey, and this is it.
A
female
reader, HattieC +, writes (5 January 2012):
HattieC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate here. we had a chat last night and they admitted some mistakes and didnt realise i would see a suitcase as a boot out the door. but they didnt see what they were doing to make me feel unwelcome.I got really upset when i told them i felt i couldn't talk to them about things and asked if i could be left alone for a bit. i went to my room to try and calm down and mum kept trying talk to me but kept saying that she didnt know what to do and my dad just kept saying lets just draw a line under the incident but thats just sweeping it under the carpet again.Then my brother made his usual sarcastic hurtful comments and that i was it i packed a couple of bits and headed over to my boyfriends house and collasped in tears. i stayed there last night and planning on staying tonight to. i feel terrible,part of me regrets telling them how i was feeling, how much they make me feel unwelcome and how my presents made me feel. but i think it was going to come out sooner or later, it was that elephant in the room. I havent contacted my parents and they havent either. i dont know if they think i am coming back home after work tonight. i am still very upset, should i give it a few days so we can all calm down a little. i dont want to go home and them creep around me and pretend it never happened like it does with other minor arguements, i just want them to treat me like its my home too. what should i do?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 January 2012):
She may have a field day about you moving out but you won't be there to hear it if you do just that, move out. It's time to distance yourself, you are a big girl now.
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A
female
reader, HattieC +, writes (4 January 2012):
HattieC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell we ended up having a screaming match this morning and it came out that i felt like the suitcase was a shove out the door. i tried to tell them how upset the way they treat me makes me. she said she didnt know how unhappy i was, but she did, regular minor arguments would occur and it would always relate to me living at home, i cry often after these arguments. i said that i wished they had thought more what a suitcase indicates and how hurt i was to receieve it for my birthday but all she said was she bought it before xmas and that she didnt look at it from my point of view,. note the fact although its both parents, dad just does whatever mum wants and rarely speaks up. im dreadfully upset by this whole situation. i knew i couldnt accept the present. it was a waste of money as i will never use it given how upset it has made me.
i dont care that this makes me immature. i think it is more mature of me to say how it made me feel so there is no illusion that i am ok with them treating me like they do and so that they dont waste their money on a pretence so i feel what i did was the right thing as i couldnt handle the guilt of knowing that it was an expensive product that will never be used. but she always does this, whenever we have arguments, usually which she starts she manages to make herself the victim and i always end up feeling awful like i do now.
i know the clock cant be turned back, i am still going to be treated unequally to be my brother, i cant change what they got me for my 21st and have ruined it for my parents telling them how i feel. i cant turn back the clock so they can get me something that would make me feel happy. or turn back the clock and they treat me better. i am just such a mess at the moment.
moving out has been mentioned. as i say, my mum has a way of making me feel guilty about everything. she would have a field day if i said i was moving out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Pack your presents away and keep them for a time when you will use them. To give them back is incredibly rude and would only add to the issues at home. Have you thought they may have got the suitcase because you say you spend a lot of your weekends at your boyfriend's place. It may seem silly to you, but they might have been thinking of that and thought a suitcase would help, who knows. In regards to the wine glass they may have just wanted to give you something as a keepsake to commemorate your important birthday, and that is a nice gesture. I understand how your feeling, I have been there and am still treated that way by my family, I do stand up for myself, but nothing changes, though it is my brothers who treat me that way, my parents I eventually got to understand how I was feeling but it took a long while, and didn't happen simply because I reached a certain age. When you can afford to move out and do so, your relationship with your family will improve, but do not return the gifts as this will only offend them and enforce their view that you are not a mature adult. I know it's hard to be in this situation, things will get better. good luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2012):
Pack the presents away, you'll use them sooner or later. As soon as you can afford it, get your own place. This is when you should be leaving the nest. You will be surprised how your moving out will improve your relationship with your family.
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