A
female
age
30-35,
*ecretkeeper
writes:I'm married but its falling apart he cheated on me lied constantly, hurt me, ignored me. I started an affair with a friend, I know its wrong. We've been on and off for about 9 months now. When it started I didn't mean for it all but i fell for my friend and I told him in the beginning it wasn't just about the sex for me, he agreed that it wasn't for him either. He was sweet and we used to hang out more the sex was great. Hes very secretive with everything though and always has been. I know its stupid and my fault for wanting more then I should but I fell for him and he knows hes always said that he cared for me and I was important and special to him (I was also his first). But then recently I asked if he really cared for me romantically or if it was just fwb for him and he said I was just his fwb and I cried he looked very sad and said he was sorry. He then got a gf but then cheated on her with me. There broken up now. He always said he cared but wanted something normal that he wanted me to get divorced but he thinks I still care for my husband. Hes also asking if I have other bfs and he doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth that i don't, but he jokes about having other gfs and he only really sees me when we sleep together. I don't understand him its like some days he cares and wants me and others he couldn't care less. its breaking my heart. what do you all think?
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affair, cheated on me, divorce Reply to this Question
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female
reader, secretkeeper +, writes (31 July 2011):
secretkeeper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow do i fix this with him? i want our friendship back, i want to repair everything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): OP,predictably i am against being unfaithfull but I WILL NEVER CONDEMN YOU FOR CHEATING A CHEATING LIAR WHO DESERVES HIS OWN MEDICINE. Specially after only 2 yeras together!I met a dimwit who said people are unfaithfull becuase they can tlibve a life with just only 1 partner... Please! You are a proof that most excuses for cheating faithful partners are just it. Excuses. (i am attcking you husband, not you)Leave your husband who is just a mouth to be fed without being useful to human race.Your only morally wrong deed was cheating that girl with your "fwb". But it was your "fwb" who lied to her and made you think the wrong idea. And their werent in a serious comitment (I bet). So she could leave easily.Cant you leave him and husband? And start new life?My country`s saying: "it is better to be alone than having a bad relationship".Besides , beeing "alone" means you can find a new man without any secrecy nor fears to be "found out".Carry on living without wasting it with morons.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (30 June 2011):
I think you need to get a plan into place so you can leave your husband. Your marriage sounds very toxic, no wonder you don't love your husband anymore. I would not try to "work it out" with him, as people like him usually are not to be trusted to work on the relationship with you. I think you already have all the evidence you need as far as the quality and future of your marriage. Don't stay trapped with someone who treats you like dirt. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, what is your plan - to continue as-is forever? clearly that is a dead end. So make a new plan that involves getting out of your marriage and becoming independent. However scary it is to be on your own, not being around someone you hate on a daily basis, will by itself improve your mental health.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 June 2011):
 So, if you feel the situation was really bad, and you say you wish you could take it back and do things the right way, why don't you?
Stop thinking about how much you love your lover, and concentrate on getting to a point where you will be able to earn enough and be mature enough to leave your husband and stand on your own two feet - UNLESS you choose to try to make a go of it with the man you married, that is.
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A
female
reader, secretkeeper +, writes (29 June 2011):
secretkeeper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone. i hate the things iv done most the time i realy do. my heart hurts and i feel like a bad person. the whole thing was so bad if i could take it back i would and id do things the right way. i realy do love my lover.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I agree, no one deserves to be cheated on. I would think that someone who understands the pain and anger of that would be mature enough NOT to do it to another person.
It seems that you justify your wants in a childish manner.
Staying with your husband because you can not stand on your own? Having an affair to get what you want from someone else?
EARN your way for a happy life the RIGHT way. Stop holding your hand out to life and saying "YOU OWE ME".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 June 2011):
 You know, you didn't deserve your husband cheating on you and mistreating you. However, the path you took in order to "be bad" is a self-destructive one that will only hurt you more.
You want to know if this guy has real feelings for you? The symptoms are there. He does not. At this point, his words are worthless without the actions to back them, just as you are in no position to make promises to any other guy either.
This is the time to concentrate on you, not some other guy, and not even your husband. You say that you have no kids and are still married because you can't yet stand on your own? This is the time to devote 100% to getting to the place where you can. Pining for a FWB is counterproductive to this crucial goal. Also, the longer you stay with your husband, the higher the possibility that you could become accidentally pregnant. Trust me on this.
Cut your FWB loose. I know you feel alone without him, but devote everything to being self-sufficient and independent. Then you will be able to dream again for the first time in years. You can then be choosy about your guy and never ever allow yourself to be in a FWB situation, which is a raw deal for you.
Remember, in a Friends with Benefits situation, there is no, and will never be, a "where you stand". You don't stand anywhere except as a receptacle for his sexual fluids, to be perfectly honest. You fill in for his hand, and it's a nice illusion of being with someone. The problem is is that for you, it's a mirage. You are lonelier than ever, and now you're addicted to and pining for a guy who only sees you as a recepticle and breathing sex toy. Get him a Fleshlight and get out of there.
As for your husband, get on your own two feet and cut him loose from your life. This way you can then make and receive promises from another guy who won't use and mistreat you. The feelings will be real.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (29 June 2011):
I think where you stand with your FWB is that he doesn't want to get close to you anymore, he wants to keep you at arms length to protect his heart. He wanted more than just sex, and you claimed you did too. Yet your actions haven't reflected your words because you remained married to your husband. If you truly wanted to be with him, you would be leaving your husband already. Otherwise it shows that you don't really want to be with him in the real sense of the word. So of course he's going to cut back on his emotional investment in you and start seeing other girls. he knows he wants a real relationship , he wants something "normal" as you said, and that it's not going to happen with you because you're married and you're refusing to get divorced. You can't expect him to put his life on hold for you and sacrifice his needs for you while you're not doing the same for him, that's being unfair. He's just going by the information you've been giving him and making decisions for his own life based on the options that are available to him and eliminating those that are not.
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A
female
reader, secretkeeper +, writes (29 June 2011):
secretkeeper is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont have feelings for my husband anymore and we dont have children. im still here because i dont have a way to be on my own right now. the guy im fwb with was never a fwb untill now, we had feelings for eachother and we wanted to be together but now hes distant and only realy talks to me when he wants sex. that is NOT how it was. we were going to wait for eachother. he used to call me his gf and he was so sweet. i understand my selfishness i do i just want to know if he has real feelings for me like i have for him. im sure i wont get that awnsered here but i just needed to vent i think. i know the whole thing is bad and i wish we never did it sometimes. there is no reason for my husband to do what he did he just did he did these things early in the marriage ( weve been together about 2 years, married one ) im very sweet and was very good to him, i admit now im being very bad but iv had to go through alot with him, more then you know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): Your friend wanted to be with you in a real relationship but it hurt him that you didn't leave your husband to be available for a real relationship. you were using him as a crutch to fill the voids in your life/marriage. it doesn't feel good to be used.So what is he to do? he had to detach himself emotionally from you (hence his secrecy - that's a sign of emotional detachment) since you made no moves to leave your husband.That's why when you asked him how he felt, he said it was just FWB. what's he supposed to say? that he has real feelings for you, even though you're not respecting them?? I mean honestly what did you expect? You expected your friend to be emotionally invested in you, when you're MARRIED and not taking steps to make yourself available to return his investment? you want your cake and to eat it too.From your lover's perspective you really hurt him. He had feelings for you, he says he wanted a real relationship but you were still married and not taking steps to leave your marriage. You were the one using him. So of course even though he's still attracted to you he's going to cut off his emotions as best he can and move on and try to find a replacement that's not going to use him and will treat him better.You need to decide if you're going to stay married or not. if you're going to be married then getting involved in anyone else is a bad idea. If you want to be free to be involved with other people then you need to end your marriage. First.If you're going to decide to continue in this situation then you have to take responsibility for your own feelings and deal with your hurt and pain on your own, as you really don't have a right to expect him to care about your feelings. it's your problem, not his.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 June 2011):
So your marriage isn't working ("he cheated, lied constantly, hurt and ignored me"). Do you have any idea as to why your husband started behaving this way? How long were you married when all this started? Do you even know what his dissatisfactions were with you?
I don't know if the two of you tried to work things out, but even so, just because your husband cheated was no reason for you to do the same - if you were so unhappy in your marriage, you could have moved out to while you both tried to determine what your future (if any) was to be.
You asked your lover how he felt about you, and he told you. Had you hoped for something more than a purely sexual connection? ("Friends" with benefits - not much friendship and all the benefits of no-strings-sex for him).
In any case, even had there been a (remote) possiblity for a deeper relationship, how do you think that would have been possible while you are still married??
I'm sorry, but you need to give up your lover and take time to search your mind and heart to see if there can be any reconciliation with the man you married - and that won't be easy - or whether you think things are hopeless and you prefer to proceed with separation and eventual divorce.
What RedAthena and YouWish have said is very sensible. You can profit from their advice.....
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 June 2011):
You know it's wrong, you still care for your husband...
Stop looking outside your marriage to fix what is wrong IN it.
Your lover told you it was ONLY FWB's. You were hoping for more and he dissapointed you.
The choices you are making are only going to cause more hurt, more anger, and more complications. Why do you think that is?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2011):
I think you're too young to be in such a messy situation. Addressing your post is going to feel like detangling a ball of string, so let's do it one step at a time, shall we?
1. You're married. You say he's cheated and lied. Why haven't you left him? Is there a kid involved in this relationship? Trust me, you going out for something on the side doesn't do you any good.
2. You are being used by this other guy. You're attractive to him BECAUSE you're married, which means he gets the sex without having to worry about the relationship.
3. This is a big one. FWB is sex without strings. There is no logical "next step" into a relationship. This is the false promise, the mirage of someone who gets into it hoping that feelings will develop. They don't. The moment you demand too much is the moment this other guy will cut you loose and move on.
4. You are terrified to stand on your own two feet. Why do you need to stay married to a cheater, have something on the side? Why not earn enough for you to be self-sufficient? What is stopping you? Your kid (if you have one)? You must stand on your own two feet. Getting distracted by guys out for sex is only hurting you.
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