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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am currently separated from my husband as he is staying with his family abroad due to family matters. My husband can have an extremely bad temper and I have always been scared of him and nervous around him and not the happy person I used to be before I met him.If he doesn't get his own way he can become verbally and sometimes physically abusive to pressure you into what he wants.It's like he has no self control.A couple of months ago he was very violent towards his father, now his father had abused him when he was younger but this time my husband did it to him as he wanted his own way about something.Since the day he was violent towards his dad quite badly, my husband has quit drinking (a few months now).Whilst I have been away from my husband I have actually felt abit better not as nervous etc.. like my old self is returning a little.In fact I've been standing up to him when speaking over the phone which I would never have done before, but still I know if I was in front of him maybe I wouldn't do that as he I would be scared of him I think!And now my husband is asking me to return to his country and stay there with him but he treats me very differently in his country and I don't think it's what I want to go through again, it is a Muslim country and he can do what he wants with me there.Do you think he is a changed man if he assaulted his father and now has stopped the drinking alcohol.But I know he can be violent without having any drink.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2017):
 I DO try my best when I answer DC questions to put myself in the OP's shoes, to see where they are coming from.. but some times it's next to impossible :
OP ! You've gotta be kidding. I think that this would be a simple, linear decision to make ? I am not saying an easy one, if you love or loved the guy, but an authomatic one.
No, you don't follow this dangerous maniac in his country and no, you don't take him back if he relocates to your country again. You make it OVER, for good.
He was abusive, including PHISICALLY abusive,- he used violence to make you do what he wanted. That's it. Game over. The end. That' s the ultimate , final deal breaker for any person who's got a smidgeon of common sense and self respect.
I don't care if it looks like he won't do it anymore ( of which you can have no security ) - the point is, he did it already, various times , and in doing that, not only he turned you into a nervous, fearful, unhappy woman- but he simply destroyed your marriage and the very essence of what marriage is about. My point is : so frigging what , even if he he would not hit you anymore ( ..which is doubtful, anyway ) ? He DID it already. More than once. Dealbreaker.
Now, if he still was living with you and you were hesitant to leave him, because you had nowhere else to go or were afraid of a violent revenge etc.- I could understand. But you , voluntarily travelling to reach your abusive husband in a country where you'd be basically at his mercy, and you'd have no protection, no choice and no freedom other than what he would allow you, .. well, it beggars belief.
What do you think you have done to deserve that and to be punished this way ?!
The fact that he quit drinking is irrelevant - you say yourself that he can be violent even without any drink ! Btw, he does not get many brownie points for not drinking- in a Muslim country. Alcohol is not only forbidden , but also black market and expensive like f..k in most Muslim countries. And in many places you get jail sentences , in some even lashings, if you are a local and get caught drinking !
He did not stop drinking because he repented; he stopped because it became difficult / risky to get booze. Let him , say, make friends with a tourist who has a bottle of something in his hotel room,- and he'll go berserk again.
Plus, ... he thrashed his own father ?? I mean , come on, who does that ?! I don't care if the father was a bad guy himself- anyway, without mentioning any other ethical concern, this father must be a guy in his 50s and your partner will be in his 20s or 30s... Beating up a man 20 plus years your senior ?- what an exquisite gentleman you got yourself .
Let him go and let him be. Take this lucky chance that you got separated by his family matters, and make this separation final and permanent. Possibly legally also , with the due divorce proceedings. But anyway - make it permanent. If you won't... well, unluckily you will only have yourself to blame for the consequences , because it's not as if the writing was not on the wall in clear sight and cubital letters.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017): I would get away from your husband. He's not worth it if all he does is abuse you and his own father. Husbands should be kind and loving toward their wives, not mean and abusive. I would stay where you feel safe and where no one is going to hurt you. Even if that means leaving the person you always knew.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017): I would get away from your husband. He's not worth it if all he does is abuse you and his own father. Husbands should be kind and loving toward their wives, not mean and abusive. I would stay where you feel safe and where no one is going to hurt you. Even if that means leaving the person you always knew.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017): You shouldn't go back to him, or to his country. Nor any place near him! He's so violent, he attached you and his own father!
In Muslim countries; traditionally, husbands are the patriarch of the family. The unchallenged head of the household. What he says, goes! Culture, tradition, and religious doctrine upholds his position in his Islamic household.
If you're not Muslim, or not from his country; you would be completely at his mercy. Far from your own family and safety when he relapses, or returns to his old-ways. You'll tip around on eggshells.
If you're intimidated; I guess you must feel compelled to get back with him out of fear of what he'd do if you don't.
Abusive-husbands and boyfriends (regardless of religion, race, or creed) do everything they can to isolate you from help. They'll put on a very convincing act that they love you and have changed. DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! Especially if they try to pull you away from your own family and support-systems; that is proof they want complete control.
If everyone suggests that you don't return to him. Will you heed our advice?
If you're in a safe place. STAY THERE!!!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (15 June 2017):
Why in the name of heaven would you even consider going back to this man. You got out with your life you will not be so lucky next time.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 DO NOT get back with this man.
You know his tendencies and they will not change or get better.
As you said, if you go to his home country he can do whatever he likes. You will literally be trapped. You would be VERY, VERY silly to take him back.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 don't do it , don't even dream of doing it , I have someone that did that and she had a hard job to get back from there , and has to live the rest of her life ahide
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