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anonymous
writes: Ok originally I was trying to reply to the message:"I am unsure of my feelings for my fiance, if I leave will I reget it". Because this problmem was much like my own titled: "What do I do? The ex looks good after all these years, but we're both with other people". I ended up writing a coninuation to my own problem.My boyfriend is not only in debt, has lack of willpower with life, lives in a pig stye of mess (whwn I am the opposite) and there is big evidence he will be very lazy if I lived with him because he doesnt do anything for himself or others now!I have myself at times found it harder now to care what I look like, to dress as nice as I used to (which always used to be important to me) and to have the strength & will power to get up to do nice things because of the way my boyfriend is and I don't want to be that way.Really I am not lazy that way and I never was I was quie active but fighting to get my boyfriend to do anything is hard work and sometimes I just feel like giving up too and I'm not even living with him yet!I also feel that leaving my boyfriend would kill him but at the same time I feel like I'm partly biting off my nose to spite my face (if that is the correct saying) if I stay with him.However sometimes I really want to stay with him beacuse; he really does deserve someone to take care of him and love him the way he cares back - which is amazingly so and this part of him no other man could ever beat. At the same time I feel like I am the olny one who can make the difference in my life and I wonder if it's right to commit my life to someone who might drag me down to a point where I have no self pride or passion for life either. I don't know whether I am in love or whether I am with my boyfriend because he is very supportive over everything I do and I know he would never cheat on me or leave me, so I wonder whether I just see the security!At the same time how can anyone help but care about someone who loves and supports you so much in you life? It makes me think - how could I ever contemplate leaving him? How selfish Am I?So sometimes I really feel deep down inside with all my heart that I should just stay with my boyfriend to help him in life and make him happy, but then sometimes I think I also only have one chance in life to get the best aswell. Am I just hoping for too much? No relationship is perfect but how much do you tolerate, how imperfect should a partner be before you are being a mug to yourself? and before it's time to say goodbye? Is that an individual choice that no-one else can answer?Is it your fault if someone else has got problems in thheir life and is it up to me to sort it out or at least help afterall life means nothing without making a difference in someone elses life?Can staying with someone because you care and you want to make their life better, emotionally damage both partners lutst for life insetad of fixing the one partners life you originally set out to help?I belive also that my boyfriends bad luck comes from childhood, does anyone out there understand how hard it is to have come from a family where you had far more than your boyfriend growing up?My boyfriend never asks for anything in life because he has never been able to expect anything? and he maybe depressed because of that, does anyone else know what's it's like to feel the guilt as a girlfriend that you have had 10 times the amount of things in life than he has ever had chance to have?Can the guilt and wanting to make soemeone els'e life better be a factor to stay with someone? I know off the top of your head you'd think no, tha's not a good reason, but what else is there to life anyway at least when you die you know you made a difference to someone else!I feel my boyfriends famiy has also put on him for support with money because they are in large debt also and always have been. I have told him he has got to stop helping them out and look out for himself becsuase he needs to make his own life now but obviously it is not that easy for him and I have no idea how much he helps them, but does this help you understand my situation more? I wonder what life I have ahead of me with him, will it always be this difficult?Up until now I had forgotten my own needs but now I need to work this out! How will we get anywhere at this rate?I am also worried that I'll start missing my boyfriend if I end it and also hate myself for what I've done as well.I have tried to encourage, be positive and support my boyfriend over years of being together in sorting out his money, tidying his room, taking pride in himself and even though I am not even living with my boyfriend, so we don't own a house together I suggested with both work more hours, so that he did'nt feel he was the only one missing out on life in the meanwhile but he does'nt want to work extra hours because in the past he has worked many.Also we never have sexual activity and we never did apart from trying it a couple of times, I have even tried talking about this and suggested going to an advisor but we can't afford private councelling and although we have talked and tried to turn each other on I think we have both given up because it does'nt work! So sexual activity is not something that I feel I can't get back in our relationship because we never had it in the first place!I hope someone can help advise me because now this probably gives you a better idea along with the other part of my problem as to the detail of my situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): Okay, I've had the same problem with a past boyfriend and the its usually best to break it off for a while, and see how you both feel afterwards. Staying in this realtionship does not sound healthy for either of you, you can not change him and he cannot keep up with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2005): I think you have talked yourself out of this relationship.No, it is no one else's responsibility. We are responsible for ourselves and no one else.You sound far too young to be feeling this way.Don't you reckon that you and he deserve better?Be cruel to be kind - have a break for a while, see how things are in a year or so. IF you are still crazy for each other, then perhaps a little break would have done him some good? You both need to me a bit more mature over this. I am sorry if I sound awful. Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good look at him. Where do you want to be in 5yrs time? Like this? Feeling this way?Take control, take responsibility for yourself... no one else. This is not your fault.Best of luck... sending {{{{{HUGS}}}}
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