A
female
age
41-50,
*rancine81
writes:i have dated men for years to realize that they aren't right for me. i see their flaws and see past them and i "deal with it"..in hopes that it may be forever. i am a Caucasian Italian female.i'm trying to figure out a pattern but then even when i go for the greatest guy that i think has to be different from the rest cause he's a gentlemen, caring and smart.. that guy happens to be the biggest conniver of them all!that guy i found out the truth about in approximately a month and a half but because of his kind attitude, i thought he was the one guy that would change my luck with men. he was Irish and Mexican (mostly Irish)i fell for him hard just to find out he was married when the entire time he said he was divorced..for 2 weeks after he told me the truth he first said that he felt divorced and unhappy but by the end of the 2 weeks and me being confronted by his wife..he decided to work things out with her.my first 4yr relationship..he was Columbian and Puerto Rican..i grew out of cause i was young but the entire time i would let him take advantage of me because i care. his ex girlfriend would show up at the house and call for up to several months into our relationship..i would work and give him and his old mom money..i would let him take my car as if it was his own and i just fell out of love with him and he didn't want to let go.next was a 2 1/2 year almost immediately after the first. this guy was closer to my age and appeared responsible. he was Cuban, funny, we got along great for a college relationship.(i was in college he wasnt) all this to find out he still had connections with his ex and so did his family but he didn't want to be with her. the truck he drove was in her name and later she wound up taking back from him and we continued to date. i graduated college and he had gotten into drugs. we used to do them together sometimes but, he lost his job and lost any motivation he had. i moved on because i couldn't be with someone who would hold me back. that was the most mature break up i ever had.a year and half of being single and loving it..finding myself and enjoying life..i meet my recent ex. he was a tough guy..dominican and puerto rican..who wanted to control me for the right reasons..i was outta control..partying, etc. i tamed myself a bit to be a good girlfriend but he was the most selfish, cold person to live with. we had a miscarriage at one point and a couple of months later i got pregnant again..only this time, i decided to move out of state with my family to better myself but we were even going to get married! it was like as soon as i got pregnant he became worse. he didnt visit for the holidays, he called me like once a month and he would only 'text' me to communicate..we would fight for hours via text messaging! it was pathetic and getting worse. he took advantage of my entire family. my mom gave him money to start his biz which he failed to do with the money..(he is still working on his career but..) he had my car because i knew he would need it to get around and in hopes...make money for our child..but.he was late every month with the payment and he would lie about everything. i considered it over and slept with the above mentioned..man that i didnt know was married..all of this confusion led me terminate my pregnancy at 20 weeks. This guy too had ex girlfriends trying to contact me and break us up for the majority of beginning.in between, i have met some guys that might have been 'good guys' but what so i know? i know that i blew them off..maybe because i was getting high on the side and they didn't know and i wanted to continue getting high but it made them less tolerable to me.i've been sober now for 5months. i am no longer pregnant as of a week ago but, im still afraid that my choice of men will continue to fail. i do live in a new town now..where its predominately white, small town, it seems laid back and relaxed..maybe this is where ill meet that nice guy? any advice on any patterns you see or maybe on how i should go about seeing if a guy is right for me?i've made some plans to explore the world in a few months and finish my last year of school to become an elementary school teacher..so i may casually date during this time but, im not sure i should get serious..it takes so much out of me..emotionally.
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female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (23 February 2008):
There is a way to break the cycle. First of all you need to work on changing your core values and beliefs. I can see with you giving your all to relationships that you see this as a solution to your partners problems and that if you give your all then they will be better partners. This value may stem from your mother's and your experience with your father. How did your mother behave towards his treatment of her? Was she the pacifier, compromising herself to make the marriage work? This style of coping with the abuse you may have unknowingly learnt to carry with you as a personal trait. The bible has a passage which states do not throw your pearls to swine for them to be trampled underfoot. Basically you are trying to please the unpleasable. This is a no win situation. It is emotionally draining to you and you lose your self. I would say allow yourself time to heal from your past relationships in childhood and in your adulthood and seek some counselling in the core belief and core values. You will break the cycle with time and working on these core values. Then the next male who enters your life put him to the test. Red flag warning signs of an abusive relationship are many. One is CHARM. Unfortunatlely, abusive men use charm to trap you and there are many men who are charming who are NOT ABUSIVE. This red flag is used by not so charming men as they see the genuine guys naturally having this ability. The other important red flag is LYING. If you catch your man out on even the most smallest of white lies see this as another red flag. Another red flag is WANTING TO GET SERIOUS VERY QUICKLY AS IF TO POSSESS YOU. In a healthy stable relationship there is EQUAL POWER and if you find yourself COMPROMISING TO YOUR DETRIMENT then this is a red flag. Checking up on your whereabouts and seeming to be JEALOUS is another red flag warning sign. Not all men are abusers and I really hate putting the male species into categories because each male is different in their own right. It is the PERSONALITY TRAITS OF ABUSERS which can be categorised. To attract a healthy stable relationship find out as much information as you can on unhealthy relationships and the emotionally abusive relationship and take time out for your own personal strength and live by the doctrine that you are a beautiful person worthy of love and respect and you have the right to be happy and you are complete on your own. A relationship should not complete you as you are whole on your own. A relationship should fufill you and enhance your already healthy sense of being. Hope I helped you.
A
female
reader, francine81 +, writes (23 February 2008):
francine81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy father is a tough guy. abusive towards my mom and emotionally abusive towards me. till this day when he tries to be nice it doesnt come out right. he has a strong character..think heavy italian accent from NY..my parents divorced and my last boyfriend may have resembled my dad the most. i understand about how ladies usually choose men like their fathers but how do you break free from this cycle?ironically, the moment my dad met my ex he didnt like him at all! i even didnt speak to my father for 6 months because i stood up for my ex. i dont know why im attracted to this type of guys? im always drawn to them
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A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (23 February 2008):
Ok you give too much of yourself to the wrong type of man. That is why you are emotionally drained. You need to keep something for yourself otherwhise you lose who you are and become totally swept away in a relationship. It seems as though you become totally reliant on your partner to fufill you and rely heavily on them to create your happiness. You seem to say that you pick the wrong men but I think that WRONG MEN PICK YOU. Abusive men have an instinct somewhat predatory that seeks out women that they can manipulate. You need to look at your core beliefs and values. What relationship did you have with your father or other such male role model. You will find if you go right back to your childhood you will see that how you were treated by your first male figure in your life is how you will expect to be treated in adulthood. Also challenge your views on love and what being in love means to you. Somewhere along the way you have learnt a core value that you give your all compromising your own sense of self worth. Do some thinking in this area and you will begin to understand the patterns you have created. Look at your self esteem. I would love to hear from you on your thoughts about this.
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