A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure how to tell my girlfriend I'd like to have time to spend with my friends.We have opposite schedules at the moment for the most part, so she thinks I have all this free time when she isn't around when I really don't. In fact it makes me even more lonely because I spend most of my time by myself.I would like to spend time with my friends, but when they are available coincides with when she is available. I've brought this up before and she gets really sad because we have limited time and if we aren't spending it together it doesn't make sense to her.I get to spend time with buddies pretty much for a month out of the year...when her work schedule changes.We've fought about this before...and she makes me feel horrible for even suggesting not spending our limited time together. I'm so freaking lonely for interaction with other people though and she makes me feel so bad for it. I just want some time with my friends how do I get this across to her?When I've brought this up in the past she Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2013):
 You need to talk to her about this. In a real conversation, and not just on the phone when you try to tell her you want to hang out with friends. You need to talk to her prior to any plans you make with friends. She clearly doesn't have that many friends of her own who she sees any more often than you see your friend. Thus she can't relate.
Tell her how you feel, that you need a life of your own outside of the relationship, and you need friends in your life too, not just a girlfriend. Then talk to her about schedules and make a PLAN.
Me and my boyfriend had to make a plan, because I don't see him that often at all times, and whenever I get to see him can be very randomly and it's impossible to make plans because of his career. Besides he's horrible at planning. So we needed something solid that was easy to remember, and we made Thursdays our date-night. So that each week, at least we have that one afternoon/evening together, no matter what, and if Thursdays don't work we move it to another day MID-WEEK. Because weekends are often impossible, or weekends are the time for friends because that's when friends are available.
Try it. It has worked wonders for my relationship. If your girlfriend gets one day where she knows she will get to see you, she will be less anxious about how much time you spend together. She will feel more secure.
Another thing me and my boyfriend worked on that does wonders for me (because I'm like your girlfriend in this case) is that if a plan has to be canceled, or we can't meet up, to agree on another day to meet right then and there. Example, if you call her to say you can't meet her on Saturday after all, or if she calls to ask if you can meet her on Saturday and you are busy. Then you should tell her this "I can't see you on Saturday, I'm sorry. But how about we meet on Sunday?" Or any other day. Give her something else, so that she gets an alternative, so she will not be as disappointed. I think you will find that this will put her to ease.
It's all about communication and finding the right tools that work for you, so that you can both get what you want. It doesn't have to be one or the other, more often it is about improving communication and finding systems that work for the two of you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): You have to stop asking and tell her. Start by asking "Do we have any plans next Friday". If you do not have plans, say "I am going to hang out with 'so and so' for a couple of hours to catch up, then I'll be home. Alternatively, go out WITH your gf and your mates, or invite them over.It is VERY important you keep your friendships, and you give time to your mates. You must not let them fade away. Let your gf know that it is really important to you, to keep your friendships. If she loves YOU, and not loves what you can give to her, she will support you in what you want and need. That is what TRUE love is about. If she only wants from you what feels good to her, and is not caring about how it is making you feel, then she is not truely loving you. Be STRONG and loving in ensuring you put time and effort into your male friendships. You don't ALWAYS have to exclude your gf though, so consider how she can be involved too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): Wow me and my boyfriend are pretty much exactly in the same situation as you and your girlfriend are, except my boyfriend does spend a large chunk of his free time with his friends.Our working schedules are opposite too (I work 9am-6pm Monday to Friday; he works 4pm-10pm Monday to Friday and every Saturday. He usually plays at an open mic night on a Saturday night and he often goes to meet his friends at the pub on a Sunday. So that leaves me with 10pm-12pm weekdays or a Sunday night when he is a bit tipsy. I totally understand that he needs time with his friends, as do I, but from my point of view there is no point in being in a relationship if you see each other for 4/5 hours per week. I really need quality time in a relationship and it sounds like your girlfriend is the same. Scraps of time here or there are not enough for me.How often do you and your girlfriend spend together? Is there no way one of you can change your working hours to allow for more time together? If you say you are lonely during the day, it sounds like you are the one working the unsociable hours, is that right? If so this will likely be an issue in any relationship you have. How much does your work mean to you? It is just a job or is it your dream career?I am willing to spend less time with my friends because he is my priority and it will never work if we don't see each other, but sadly he doesn't seem to agree and it breaks my heart. I have now been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I love him to bits, but I feel our relationship has never grown because of the limited time we have together and the worst part? He seems fine with that. Time with me is put on the back burner in favour of his buddies and it makes me feel neglected and unloved.I guess it depends how much you want it to work. You have every right to see your friends as often as you'd like, just as your girlfriend has the right not to accept that she is not a top priority to you. It sounds like she is already telling you that she is unhappy with the time you have together, so it's likely that reducing that time even more will seriously damage your relationship.I am currently preparing to end things with my boyfriend as I cannot imagine spending the next 60 years of my life seeing my partner for an hour before bed. My parents had an LDR for 2 years before they got married, and they both sacrificed lots to visit each other every weekend and talk on the phone daily. If you want to, it can be done, but without sacrifice on both sides it will never work because at the moment none of you are happy.
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