A
female
age
30-35,
*igi33
writes:Hey everyone!Love this site - I’m wanting a bit of advice regarding a family matter. I’m in a really good place right now. I’ve just moved cities, have a healthy relationship, moved in with some great people. I have a counsellor who I see every month which is so valuable.I’ve had alcoholic parents since I was young (my earliest memories of them have been of them drunk) and they’ve never had help for it. They feed off each other and do not have the motivation to even get any kind of support. I have a brother and sister who I’m very close with and we spent a lot of time at our grandparents growing up. Back home, things would get violent between my parents almost every week, with the police having to interviene many times. It’s took a lot to get to the point where I am, but I have a reasonably ok relationship with them both since I moved out. My counsellor helped me put boundaries in place and I won’t call them past a certain time of the day as I know they start drinking early on. It’s really sad because I love them and usually I can see glimpses of who they really are and I miss who they should’ve been. Their personalities seem warped by alcohol somehow. Anyway, they have recently moved away themselves, really far from any of us. They don’t have any friends and their house is in the middle of nowhere, no neighbours, etc. They keep calling me late on in the evening and I don’t answer, so they call my siblings and they’ve been clearly drunk and saying they don’t feel safe, my dad said he wanted to commit suicide, that he was convinced my mum was trying to kill him, etc..I’m in two minds about how to respond. I want to help and offer support but equally I have been dealing with this my whole life. From too young me and my siblings have been dragged into my parents relationship and alcoholism and I don’t want any part in it. They had the worst fights, police involved, violence and not once have they ever broken up. Luckily, myself, brother and sister are doing really well now, despite everything; good jobs, houses etc. Now I want us all to be happy. I’m scared though that my parents are unsafe being around each other, but deep down I know that they’re just drunk and will forget about it the next morning. I think it’s really selfish that they continue to drag us into it. I’m tempted to text them both and ask not to contact me or my siblings unless it’s for emergencies after a certain time. But then I feel really guilty that they might genuinely need us for support as they have no one else and have driven their friends and family away, What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): Hi.sorry to hear about your parents. I am an only child, I had the same thing with my parents when I was 21...my mother drank, got abusive, cops would be called..I had to move out and save myself. I sadly lost my mother in 2018 to Chronic Alcoholism. tried rehab/detox in which she discharged herself the next day. I was 24/25 at the time. I'm almost 27.No matter how much you want to help, you can't help someone if they do not want the help, or are not willing to seek help themselves. Count yourself lucky that you have siblings and you can help each other through it. I had to distance myself from my mother after she discharged herself to save my own well being.It's a dark, and not very nice place to be in, especially watching the ones who are supposed to love you not want help.During the time when my mother was alive, I seeked help with a councellor. It helped to talk, and they listen, they give you breathing excercises to do. If you want my advice, I would still contact your parents, not every day but just to check in on them. if you don't feel up to it, have someone check on them and tell you. I wish I hadn't distanced myself from my mother because more time spent, is worth more then no time at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): Hi
There is nothing you can do to help them, they can only help themselves, which I'm sure you already know.
Supporting alcoholics who wont get help is nigh on impossible. If I were you I would have set days on which I called them early on, to make sure they're ok and to put your own mind at rest and inform them, that after you hang up, you will be turning your phone off as you have work to do, whatever, and will speak to them again, when you call, on (whichever day you choose). Maybe your siblings could call on the other days.
Then get on with your life. It's sad and must be really difficult for you, but they are doing this to themselves and they have no right to ruin your life along with their own. Of course, there is the possibility that they will harm themselves or each other, but you can't be hovering on the side lines, sick with worry and neglecting your own needs anymore. You cant help them. Make peace with that and whatever might happen to them. Check in on them and then go do your own thing. I'm so sorry that you've had this to deal with your whole life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): I think it all depends on how too much interaction could affect your progress and mental state. Your parents have to be left to their own devices, until they hit rock-bottom. They have to sink so far down that the only way back is up.
They are who they are, and have chosen the lifestyle they want. You can only do random-checks on them to make sure they haven't severely injured each other; but living in a constant state of concern and despair over two full-grown people is totally unnecessary. They've been at this since you were a child, and they're still alive and kicking.
They'll likely end-up in rehab. You can only go so far before you hit a wall, or the floor, when you abuse alcohol and other drugs. They've managed to survive in spite of it; and you're better-off staying out of their business. If they call, answer to confirm there is no emergency; then wish them well, and hang-up. You have to be an adult, and face the reality that worrying over things you cannot change is counterproductive. Dwelling on their alcoholism will reverse all the progress you've made in dealing with your childhood difficulties.
They will not need your support; until they seek rehabilitation. The motivation to do that comes from losing everything they value.
If they value you, they would want you to be happy in knowing they're fine. If alcohol is more important to them; then step-aside, and allow that to be the choice they've made. You can't wish them into changing who they are; nor spend your life miserably in worry. As long as you know they're alive; you will have to settle for that.
Send them flyers and pamphlets from rehabilitation centers in their area. Send them books regarding the destruction of families from alcoholism. They may never read it, but it will plant a seed. I'm sure your counselor can come-up with some very good material.
Encourage your brothers and sisters to do the same. Maybe they'll take a hint. Pray for them, if you have a spiritual-system of faith and worship.
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