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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi , I need some advice about my relationship, I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years (from we were about 20~), I love her and I think she loves me (at least that's what she claim), we can have fun together and we seem like a cute couple, many are asking us when are we going to get merried or something, in some ways we are pretty good for each other and getting along but in other ways we its the opposite (about 50/50), she's not such an easy person, she has all kinds of social anxiety that makes us fight sometimes, and other problems (she doesn't have much patience, she's not decisive etc'), she also has low self esteem (tho she's good looking for my taste, she also have guys hitting on her in the street\train\pubs when she goes out).The problem is that although we look like we have a good chance for a future together, and she seems to think about it - she just asked me about marriage and stuff, so wants something that is serious and she was sure that we are going to get merried someday (in the near future), the problem is that I'm not so sure that she's the one for me or if it is the right thing to do, I do love her and she is very important to me, but I feel afraid of all this, I'm afraid that we will keep fighting over stupid stuff (maybe even more when we'll live together or have a baby), that we won't get along, I fear that we will regret it but I still don't want to lose her, I don't really know what to do, and now she's mad because she thinks I don't love her enough and that we don't have a future together so she wants to break up..how can I know if I should really take it to the next level? she's also afraid of commitment but I guess she's still thinking about the future and wants to be with someone that's serious. I can be that guy but as I said I don't have that feeling that it's 100% right, how can she want to get merried if each vacation we took abroad (all but the first one when we just started dating) - we did enjoy some of it but there was always something that made us fight and ruined half of the trip, something that made her get mad at me or something like that (and I rellay don't think it's all my fault), all those things give me much less confidence in our relationship, I know I can tell everything about us here but if anyone can give me any advice at what I should try, is there any chance for us? maybe it is done.. it will be really hard to break up and I don't want to lose her in my life (she said before that if we were to break up theres a good chance we won't be friend anymore)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): Can you imagine the rest of your life without her?
Before you think about marriage, you two need to learn how to communicate better with one another so that you argue less.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Yes, you've got quite a dilemma on your hands.
Because there's being in love and then there's being compatible and fit to share a future, and not necessarily the two things will coincide.
In your case, they don't. Frankly, the girl sounds like quite a handful ( maybe it's not her fault- but neither is yours ) , and I think what has kept you going 5 years is "butterflies in the stomach " kind of things, and physical attraction. So far this has been enough to let you overlook problems and difficulties, and it has not been that hard because you don't live together and have no children. But later... I think your hunch is right. Who wants a LIFETIME of drama ?
When you have doubts about making it permanent, the answer is always no. Even with no doubts, even with a big, convinced " she's the one ", you know, life throws curveballs at you, unexpected challenges , and even " good " ( on paper ) marriages can go belly up. Imagine if they don't even look good on paper !
It's difficult to live together and making it a success, you have not only to want it, not only to work at it , but also having to be able, to have the right personality, teh right mind set to make it work.
Which seems not be your case.
Of course, that would be the voice of reason, and it's easy for me to say " ditch her ", I am not in love with this girl, you are.
But... you say you do not want to lose her. So, I guess your only other option is to cultivate fron now an endless patience, a Zen-like composure ib front of all the ups and downs you are going to have, and accept that you'll end up with having to play for her the role not only of husband but basically that of Dad ( that is what usual happens with a partner with her kind of issues ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): If you're even considering breaking up with this girl now (and it sounds as though you are) then she's probably not the right girl for you to marry. Making something you already don't feel certain about much MORE permanent is a really bad idea.Your early twenties are, in my opinion, your formative years in the transition from high school kid with high school priorities, to adulthood and "real-world" life. Defining aspects of who you are as a person can change a lot in this time frame. You and your girlfriend may have started out perfectly compatible, but as time passed it seems you have grown apart and may now value different characteristics in a romantic and life partner. This is NOT wrong, but it does mean you should really think hard about whether you are going to be right for each other in five, ten, or 50 years from now.Best wishes
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