A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was at university, I was a little wild. I had quite a few one night stands and had a fling with another girl. I even had a few threesomes, and swapped my boyfriend with a another girl ,who knew what I was like and was open sexual too, for a night with another man, her boyfriend. I calmed down in my final year and really tried to stop my behaviour from getting even more out of control. I finally got my degree and found a job not too far away from where I studied. I met my boyfriend 4 months ago and we are really connecting. It sounds silly but I feel like for the first time since college, a guy wants my brain not my body. My problem is that he is really honest about his past. He was in and out of care because of his parents who treated him badly and he says he feels like I'm the first person to treat him like a human being ever. So, I just worry that if I'm honest if he will see it as my past or as the person I am. I know I'm a slut, and what I did was stupid, reckless, and dangerous, but at the time I was just having fun, I didn't think about it at the time. I don't want to lose him, but either way I surely will. He will find out one day after all. What is the best thing to do? :(
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 June 2013):
 Unfortunately if he really loves you he's more likely to have a negative reaction. It would be because he loves you that he might find it hard to deal with. If he doesn't love you he won't care.
But he does deserve to know, at least 'in general'. I agree with Chigirl: spare him the details. If you give him a general sense of what you have been up to previously, so there would be no nasty surprises if for example he hung out with some of university friends and they told stories, then it's fine. Definitely don't go into detail about specifics, even (and especially) if he asks.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 June 2013):
 I think you should be honest about your sexuality, because you're either compatible or you're not. He should have the choice, and yes, he may decide that he would prefer a woman who reserved sex for committed monogamous relationships.
But you should always be honest, because not saying anything and waiting for him to "find out" is dishonest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): I don't agree that "if he really loves you then he will accept you" because sexual morals and habits are much more like a compatibility issue than a moral one. The fact that many guys would find your past a deal-breaker does not mean this guy will. People are unique. Some guys even find it a turn-on. Tell him the truth, don't give him specific details, and don't assume you know how he will react before you tell him. Try to understand that he can still think you are a great person, care a lot about you, and spend the rest of his life wishing he could have stayed with you. Even if he has to break up with you over it now. This is about compatibility, not about your worth as a person.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Tell him now. As long as you're not cheating on him, or doing anything now, it shouldn't be of real concern. It'll show him your willingness to change. If you really want to change and put your past behind you, concentrate on being a better person for yourself, and for him. If he's sticking by you, stick by him, and don't mess with his heart.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Just for information, I've been on the other side of the fence when a former boyfriend started spilling the beans. I was perfectly content knowing his "number" (even though I think he lied and added 5+ more people..). But then the started telling me DETAILS, without me ever asking. Details such as what position he used to do with his ex. Or how she liked it in the ass... Yuck! I don't need, or want, to know such things. It's really tacky to start saying things like that too. I mean, what will he tell his next girlfriend about me?? So no, keep the details to yourself. Just like you wouldn't tell your boyfriend what your poop looks like, you don't need to tell him too much info about other things either. Unless he asks, he doesn't want to know!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 June 2013):
I don't know why you think you will lose him, or why you think he will "find out" either. You're not carrying a deep, dark secret. You had sex before, he knows you're not a virgin, right? And as long as you don't go telling lies it's all good. Unless he has told you he doesn't want to be with a girl who has had more than this or that many sex-partners. In which case, I think it would be fair to end things anyway.
But aside from that.. why do you worry so much?? I think you worry because YOU yourself dislike your past, and judge yourself for it. I don't think your boyfriend will care, to be honest. I've fooled around enough times to have lost count. Threesomes too, mostly one night stands, I don't know how many guys I've given a blowjob too, never mind how many guys I've kissed. I started counting how many in one day, rather than how many in total. The only record my friend has over me is having sex with two different guys on the same day. We have dares like this, who can do this or that. All for fun.
So yeah, I'm not the girlfriend for a prudish or uptight guy, and apparently neither are you. But I've never been judged for it in my life. My boyfriends all knew I wasn't a virgin, they know what I'm into sexually, and they know the bits about my past that they cared to ask about. Other than that they don't ask, I don't tell, and as long as everyones honest when it comes down to it it's all good. But do NOT kiss and tell. Your boyfriend, and any future boyfriend, has no business knowing the details of what you did with whom. That's private. If he wants to know he can ask if you've ever had a one night stand, and you can say yes, but absolutely do not hand out information unless asked. And do NOT fill in any details. People honestly do not want to know.
Your boyfriend wont care, I'm quite sure, unless you start spilling out intimate details that he never wanted to know.
There's a difference between being honest and being blunt/saying too much. My rule is, unless you're asked, don't say a word.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): If you're going to be honest with him, do it now. Yes, he may choose to walk away... but your past is part of who you are. It's part of what made you the girl he likes and it's part of what makes you so appreciative of him. I don't think you want to be with someone who can't love you for who you are, and I think men who are willing to sleep with a woman before marrying her but expect to be the only man she's been with, or one of some magic "low" number, speak volumes about their own character by doing so.Whatever you do, please don't get into a long-term relationship with this guy and keep that information to yourself for years, only to blindside him with it somewhere down the road. Search this site for posts on "retroactive jealousy" and you'll see exactly what I mean. Either you tell him everything now, get it off your chest, and let him decide if it's knowledge he can live with, or (assuming you've already tested clean for STDs and your past is not a risk to his health) you keep it to yourself. Forever.If you do decide to be honest with him, please note that he doesn't need the details--how big your partners were, what positions you liked, and so on--even if he asks for them. Giving him information like this is only going to haunt him later should he decide to stay with you.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (22 June 2013):
 "what is the best thing to do ? " the best thing to do is be honest with him not cover it up. like you say he can find out now, or somewhere down the road. you don't have to go into detail, and don't need to go into detail. that would more than likely give him thoughts, visions, or torments.
a relationship is built on trust, and honesty . covering up or lying will only create problems, and mistrust. if you want a relationship built with a good foundation be honest tell him from your heart. tell you made mistakes, have regrets. tell him you don't want to loose him.
i hope this helps. but covering up, or hiding the past may come back to haunt, or be uncovered some day. plus you will have a clear conscience, and feel free with him.
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A
female
reader, Laurie! +, writes (22 June 2013):
 I think it is not okay to wait until he "finds out" by himself. My advice to you is to just tell him. And by "just" tell him, I mean: take a moment to talk to him about it. Tell him about your concerns and worries of losing him. You now know that what you did back in those days was not okay, and you know you have changed. It is for you to show him you really changed and that he is the only one for you.
Just be honest with him, If he really loves you he will forgive you for your past. Tell him how much you appreactiate his honesty and that you wish to always be honest with him as well.
I wish you all the best of luck. Judging by how you describe your boyfriend, I think he is a faithful and loving person.
Good luck!
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