A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hiya aunts and uncles, my fiancé of 4 months and dating for 3 years has been talking in his sleep and has expressed the same concerns in his waking hours. He is 26 and im 23 on valentines day.well, its like this: he doesn't feel like we are intimate enough and hes worried that i was just after the ring. He says we used to be like rabbits and now its like we've been married several years with the amount of sex we have been having recently (3 times a month) he says yes worried that i don't find him attractive.i find him attractive and i love him to bits, i just don't feel in the mood for sex much anymore. He gets upset at the fact that i belive that its a mans job to come and get it, he says it frustrates him, he wants me to do something for him or to come on to him for a change. I don't really feel comfortable with that and i stick by my beliefs.i don't know why im not interested in sex anymore, im tired from working with kids all day and after dinner i just go straight to bed, Fridays are the same, he wants to go to the cinema or go to a resteraunt, but in too tired. I don't feel like doing anything after work, Saturday morning is usually the time we do anything, if we aren't rushing to do anything, i don't like the soggy feeling between my legs when we are out though.in his sleep, he talks alot if its deep sleep. He expressed the same feelings as above, but as though he was talking to someone else (elsie or another girl or something) he said that i was starving him of sex and that i would leave him if i caught him watching porn (which is true but he hasnt expressed this to me, he gave up watching porn for me) then he started getting a bit frisky. I worry that his desires will drive him to cheat.i don'tt think he wants to cheat, but he is being driven to do so and i feel bad cause i need sleep straight After work. I trust him with everything, is the dream just that? A dream?should i try another job that doesn't make me so tired? What are your thoughts on this
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I am worried about your fatigue. Why you have no energy. You are very young for that. I would seriously talk to a doctor. You might have anemia. I am twice your age, and like to have sex every other day. We all have different sex drives, but in this case I think you kind of cooled of toward your fiancée. And the act that you don't let him watch porn? Why is that? I don't think sex is as important in a relationship as other people say. At least frequency of it. I think what is most important is sexual compatability. If you both wanted sex 3 times a months then that would be fine, but your boyfriend obviously wants more.
A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (31 January 2014):
 Greetings,
I am not sorry to say this but from what I've read this sounds extremely selfish.
Just because YOU feel that he has to chase, YOU don't feel up to sex, YOU ban him from porn, YOU reject him.
Have you spotted the thread in all this? When have we heard what you've given him apart from celibacy? If you honestly feel tired (not the fake kind to just avoid sex, yes we know it happens) then speak to a GP and get yourself checked out but if you are honestly faking it then just admit it and let the poor guy have some space.
A man needs a sexual outlet and if he can't get it from you or privately with porn BECAUSE OF YOU then you will lose him and since you said that you have kids I don't think it is fair on them to lose their father over intimacy
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I accept the Devil's advocate role, as everybody here seem to think SEX is (almost) everything. I nevertheless thought the Beatles sang "All you need is Love" while Ronnie James Dio sang his "Love Is All"...
Let tell it straight: SEX is NOTHING BUT a spice. When you're cooking, you use salt, pepper, chilly, curry and so on to give your meal a better taste BUT it's just a way to underline it's value.
I personally believe in the real LOVE which could ideally exist without sex (platonic love: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love) as it should be the day one has sustained a severe accident and becomes unable to have sex, or when we all become old and basically sexless. How can one hope to get real love at that point of his/her life if love has been all his/her life long a collection of pleasures, above all sexual satisfactions.
If sex was the paramount of love, there would not be so much cheating and so many divorces between people who "had an outstanding sex life".
YET, your boyfriend's point of view may be far from sharing the idea of a low-frequency sex activity and you may have to "pacify the guy" by giving him some of his "sweetest candies". BUT you are not compelled to give up everything you fell or believe in, and can reach a middle term that may look like courtly love (cf: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amour_courtois ) which is more enriching than the pitiful "sex for love" (if not "love is sex").
Do we understand each other ?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I think you need to go and see your GP and discuss your extreme fatigue and loss of libido.
Secondly, it is not the responsibility of the man to instigate intimacy each and every time. That is an extremely outdated notion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): I think u are being very selfish and unfair and I would leave u if I were him
Sorry
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): The situation is unfair for him and he'd be crazy to marry when things are not going well.Unless your sex drive has always been like this, I would go to the doctor.And then, I would rethink the whole idea that he should do all the work.He wants to know that you find him sexy, just like you do. He wants to feel the thrill of being chased, just like you do.As for the porn, you're allowed to find it unacceptable. It's his choice not to watch it to make you happy. If he chooses not to, you can find someone else who sees things the same way you do.But a combination of not initiating, rejecting him when he initiates and banning porn. In his shoes, I'd have left.Go to the doctor or at least find out why this is happening and take steps to meet him half way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): You are heading for disaster. Sex is vital to a relationship. My father is 70 and has sex more than 3 times a month. Are you on the pill? That can also have an effect. Have you ever experienced an earth shattering orgasm? That can be a life changing experience. Do not give up but please quit being so stubborn and fight to find out what is wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): My boyfriend watches porn because he believes that thinking of other women while he masturbates is like cheating! So I say: enjoy your porn! There's no way I'd prefer him to be thinking of other women that he and I both know! And you can't ban him from thinking...
It's not fair to ban porn and not have sex. Sometimes I'm not in the mood but il have sex and vice versa. It's give and take not take and take! I do think it will lead to him having an affair if he can't feel close to you through physical sex
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (30 January 2014):
 Regular sex has so many health benefits for you and for him. If your libido has taken a nose dive, and you feel tired all the time, then you should get yourself checked out by a doctor. Do bloodwork to make sure that everything is OK. Also give the guy a break regarding porn. He must have some kind of sexual outlet. I think you need to loosen up about how you think about sex.
I remember when I was a teenager and I read this article in a Cosmopolitan magazine about how to masturbate. Wow! It opened up a whole new world of sensuality and pleasure. It's more about finding your inner goddess and reveling in your inner passion. Maybe you used to be this way before and got distracted by life and kids and work, etc. But your boyfriend is pleading with you to find that inner sensual goddess again. There is also so much pleasure to be found in seducing your man. Knowing what he likes, doing what he likes, wearing what he likes, seeing how much he desires you...A seductress holds a lot of power.
You've lost a vital piece of yourself over the years...the sensual, sexual part of you. Your boyfriend wants her back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): PS. If you're fiance is a good guy, he won't cheat. But he may leave you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): This is one of the reasons I broke up with my last bf, although the roles were reversed. If it was up to me, I would have sex everyday, maybe even twice. I've come to realize that I have a pretty high sex drive for a woman. My ex, on the other hand, was okay with once a month. He didn't seem that interested, he said he loved me etc, etc, but I got tired of being turned down every time I tried to initiate.If you always turn him down and never initiate (like my ex), then obviously he'll be frustrated!!! I really believe that some compromise is necessary. If I wanted sex every day and my partner wanted it once a week, we could compromise and have it every other day. If neither party is willing to negotiate…I think it's time to recognize sexual incompatibility, and move on.If you are willing to negotiate, then try scheduling sex (and then you NEED to follow through). Try new times--before dinner, before work, etc if you are always too tired at night. Maybe you could see a couples therapist together. And be sure to talk to him about this; good communication is essential.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (30 January 2014):
 To answer this question honestly I will have to ask you 2 questions:
1. If the roles which you just described were reversed, what would you honestly do?
2. As above, what would you want him to do?
Think about it and you will have your answer.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (30 January 2014):
My opinion is that if you forbid him to watch porn and are not sexually satisfying him that at some point he'll either leave you or cheat on you.
I am not a habitual cheater but I've been in a similar situation and the frustration was unbearable and I began to want other women but broke up before anything happened.
So if you're reasonably sure your job is the culprit than hell yes, get a new one. What's the point of having a job that makes the rest of your life worse?
I am also of the opinion that both men and women need to be willing to have sex even when they don't feel like it. I used to work a tough job and my wife was always wanting to have sex and truthfully it was the last thing that I wanted to do, but I could see how frustrated she was so I did it. In the end, after you have an orgasm it's worth it.
If you're not having orgasms, that's probably one of the problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): I think you're too controlling sexually.
He most likely won't cheat but he most likely won't marry you either.
You don't allow him to have sex and you don't allow him to use porn to relieve himself either. You also don't want to do anything to show him you desire him at all because of a belief? Well that belief is pushing him away.
OP sex is an important part of romantic relationships and he has needs which you are not fulfilling, what's even worse is that even the rare time you do fulfil them he has to do all the work and you never show any desire for him at all. Words are not enough.
I wouldn't be surprised if he walks away if this continues.
OP it's not unusual for the libido to go for various reasons, you're not a bad person either for having no sex drive. Where I truly think you're going wrong is not easing the effect it is having on him. You never initiate and you refuse most times he tries? You could at least "go and get" him sometimes so he doesn't feel you're no longer interested. Sure you say you are, but how you act says the opposite. You're going to lose him because you have some strange belief the woman should never have to initiate?
OP he won't cheat, it's sex with you he desires, it's being wanted by you he really wants. You have to step up and show him that is the case and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then so what? You're asking him to make a hell of a lot of sacrifices here, this is surely one minor sacrifice you can make just so he can feel you really do want him.
Because the truth of the matter is, in his mind if it's this bad now then it'll probably be a million times worse when you're married.
The fact you're even considering changing jobs to fix this shows me you're not as cold as he probably feels you have become. Go see doctor about your chronic fatigue, it's not normal. I teach teenagers, I know how taxing it is to work all day with kids, but I don't suffer fatigue and I love going on dates with my wife and heading off to do fun stuff.
One tip though is more exercise. if you don't already then you should start working out. That's great for libido and while you may not think so it really does improve energy levels.
OP you're at crossroads here, you have a major in your relationship that may actually lead to it ending. Time to be a little less strict on your rule about not initiating. Even if you only did it once a week it would be greatly appreciated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): "I worry that his desires will drive him to cheat."
Agree with sage, you shouldn't be worried that he will be driven to cheat; you SHOULD be worried that he will be driven to dump you so he can find someone more sexually compatible.
If you are as rigid and non-compromising outside the bedroom, then it's very unlikely he's going to stick around if he isn't getting any from you. His concerns are legitimate, and from a guy's perspective they would be much easier resolved by pursuing a new relationship rather than cheating.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2014):
 Sex 3 times per month, but you make him stop watching porn, and you think it's a man's job to "come and get sex"? If you hold onto these notions, you *will* lose him.
First of all, young people in their 20's reduced to sex 3 times per month is kinda sad, which makes me wonder if you need to see a doctor to assess your overall physical health.
Also, if you think that it's a "man's job" to initiate all the time, you're sorely mistaken, and I question whether or not you have ever had an orgasm in your life. It's one of life's supreme pleasures to seduce a guy and have your way with him. Sticking to your beliefs in this area is extremely selfish of you and very lazy sexually. I'm sorry, but sex is between two people, not one person and a slug. If you really felt that way, you'd have sex with him every time he came on to you as well, and would never reject his advances. But you do, don't you? A lot.
You're going to lose him. You either need to see a doctor to address your libido, or let him go, because he'll either keep watching porn, or cheat, or he'll not marry you. Sex is very important.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 January 2014):
 You write: "... i just don't feel in the mood for sex much anymore." AND, "I don't really feel comfortable with that and i stick by my beliefs."
THAT is the prescription for the demise of a "relationship." So... the choice is YOUR's. I predict that he will get tired of begging you for sex pretty soon... AND will be "out the door" where he expects to find a woman whose sexual desires/preferences and expections are more in-line with his.... P.S. He WILL find her and "live happily, ever after..."
Sorry.
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