A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've met a fantastic woman, she is funny, intelligent, thoughtful, sweet with a heart of gold... doesn't sound like much of a problem does it? The problem lies in attraction, I met her from a dating site, we hit it off immediately as we are both of the same or similar mind so we clicked very quickly. When we met for the first time I wasn't attracted to her but we still got on well on the first date and I had it in my mind it's not all about being drop dead gorgeous. We have been dating for the last few months ever since, we seem to work very well together and our relationship is well balanced, every thing split so we help each other equally etc and I love that. So everything works... all apart from sexually. I struggle to be sexually attracted to her, this causes real problems in the bedroom, when I know she wants to have sex I think to myself oh no, please no lets just cuddle and go to sleep!Before this relationship I felt I was more red blooded than the average man, with my ex I have sex up to 12 times a week.I've been fighting with this for months and I'm not sure what to do, I thought that maybe things will get better given time but they haven't I've even resorted to viagra just so I can please her.any advice would be greatfully appreciated.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 September 2011):
The one thing you can't get elsewhere is sexual attraction and compatibility. You can get everythhing else from friends and other relationships, fun, love, intellectual stimulation, spiritual connection, creative collaboration, activity partner, whatever, but the one thing you can't get fulfilled elsewhere is your sexual aspect. If you don't have that in this relationship, your relationship is always going to suffer.
It is worth mentioning that sexual connection or attraction is not the same as you finding her good looking and her finding you good looking. It isn't a problem for your partner to be not very good looking if you still find them appealing. It is not a question of being shallow, it is a question of what works for you, and she just doesn't do it for you.
It is hard to let go of someone that you like as much as you obviously like her, but if it is going to be a sexual relationship, you have to like her in the right way.
If you have a great connection to her in other ways, it might be worth keeping her as a friend if she is open to having you as a friend, though she might not be able to do that, or she might need some time to make the adjustment. If you are able to talk to her about this, it can be worth doing, but realise it is a difficult subject for people to talk about, especially if they struggle with their self esteem. Be honest, but try to not be unkind too.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (25 September 2011):
 you are right, its not all about being gorgeous and in time everyone's looks fade, but the problem with you and her is that sexual chemistry is lacking (i believe we can have great sexual chemistry even with someone who is not great looking) early on in the relationship is when you should want to be jumping on her ALL THE TIME, you are not and it ain't gonna get any better further on, you will likely fancy her less and less as time goes on. this is such a shame but if you let this relationship carry on it will get to a stage where her touch will make you cringe (if it doesn't already) for both your sakes i think you should break up then you can both meet partners you will be more compatible with. i only hope you can remain friends, but this may not be likely as she may be hurt by your decision to break up.out of interest, you mention your ex. do you still have feelings for her that may be stopping you from being attracted to your current girlfriend?x
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (24 September 2011):
 This is really sad but you have to just be friends. But why oh why did you get involved with her if you didn't fancy her? The no. 1 rule is that you must find the attraction part easy. This is so hard, because she will be really upset, and you can't tell her the real reason why. Not sure what to advise : (
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 IF she doesn't "have it" then tuck in Mr Happy and tell her that you and she are not destined to be "an item".... and that she would be wise to look elsewhere for a guy who would like to do nik-nik with her....
Point out to her that YOUR Mr Happy doesn't stand at attention for her.... so nik-nik is out of the question...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 September 2011):
 A person can be the sweetest, most lovely/attractive person in the world, but the sad fact is that if you aren't attracted to them, you just aren't. Its chemistry, and its either there, or it isn't. It doesn't make you a bad guy, you can't help what you feel or you don't feel. And physical attraction isn't something that you can force. So please....don't continue to keep seeing her. As much as it may hurt you to break up with her, you would be doing far more damage to keep seeing her, knowing that you don't have the right feelings for her. I have been in this ladies place. I had a boyfriend who said I was the nicest woman he had ever met and he would have given ANYTHING to love me, but he said something was just missing. It hurt so much to hear that...but in the end, he did me a favor. I found someone who truly loved everything about me and treats me like a princess. PLEASE do both of you a favor and let go. And please be kind to her. It isn't her fault either, its just something that wasn't meant to be between the two of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): You need to think hard before you do anything, one way or another.
Certain types of beauty fade, don't forget that, mental beauty and that "click" you can get with the right person is much more lasting.
However, your sex drive may have nothing to do with her, it may have everything to do with what happened, or did not happen, in your prior relationship.
If you don't figure this out, don't stay in the relationship, because as one other poster said "not to have a man become aroused" kills her self esteem and will lead to a horrible LTR.
LTR's are about attraction and support on multiple levels. You should feel better about yourself when you are with the other person, and so should they, and the same should occur when you are separated and think about your relationship.
Personally, I was in this situation once, and I made mistake.
I met a woman once, cute, very nice at least as long as I knew her, talking on the phone I wanted her and when I first met her I wanted her (sexually), and the feeling was mutual. However, first date out alone, and as lonely as I was and as horny as I was, I knew this was just never going to go anywhere but hurtsville, because we both wanted a LTR/Marriage/Family, and...other than sex, it just wasn't there for me.
Mentally, we just didn't have it, that "click", but she tried to get me to remain interested.
My biggest regret, I didn't set down with her and talk to her about it, and just ignored her calls. I honestly didn't know what to do (younger then). She probably thought all sorts of negative things about herself, I know that in retrospect, but it was all me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 We can't help who we are attracted too. Sometimes looks as nothing to do with it. I know breaking up with her makes you feel like an asshole at first, but she would be better off. Someone else would find her attractive. Do the honest thing. If all other men are as honest and brave as you, then lots of painful sexless boring marriages would have been prevented.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (24 September 2011):
 I agree with "Anon" even though I haven't been in either of your shoes. If I found out someone I was seeing wasn't attracted to me I would be self conscious around anyone! Sounds like you get on great, maybe you are more suited as friends than partners. Do you really wanna be stuck in an unhappy relationship?
I hope this helps. Good luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2011):
 This one's ironic. Your ex and you had sex like rabbits on meth, yet she's your EX. Now, you have absolute spiritual and emotional perfection in a woman, but zero sexual attraction.
You'd be doing her a favor by breaking up, because I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that a woman as perfect as that is going to be beautiful beyond compare to the right man.
Please, though, be really gentle when you break up with her. It's going to hurt her, but you'll hurt her more if you drag this out and show aversion to physical closeness with her.
Set her free so the next guy can love her body and soul.
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (24 September 2011):
 If you are not attracted to someone than be their friend. You seem to have led her on a bit. You can't help who you are attracted to. I have met many great men but if there is no spark or no attraction then there is no need to waster their time. Poeple don't like to be put in the friend zone but it is much easier to be put in that zone right off the bat then going on with them as though you are attracted to them. Its kinda mean. You need to let this girl go because there is someone that will find her attractive but it just is not you. Good luck and next time don't TRY to force an attraction, it does not work. If you can't even want sex from her, move on. She deserves to be desired by someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): Please, please, please- leave her. I have been in your gf's shoes, and to not have a man become aroused KILLED myself esteem.
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