A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got out of on again, off again 1.5 year relationship about 5 months ago. I recently started to date someone and while I feel its going well and there is defiantly potential, I know I am not at the same pace as him. I want to go much slower, and be more casual, and I can tell he wants to be in a relationship. Its really starting to stress me out. He is a really wonderful man. Basically treats me how every woman would want and hope for. I like seeing him once a week or so and keeping in touch through texting and some phone calls, he calls every night, and he likes to be together and hang ALL weekend, and even during the week wants to see me.It is just too much. By nature, i am more of a loner anyways, and someone who needs and enjoys having alone time. I have mentioned this before, but not sure he *gets* it. I don't want him to take it personally and I really don't want to mess this up or hurt him. I haven't slept with him, just good night kiss and held hands. Which I think is fine but I am sure in the back of his mind he is wondering. The thought of having sex with a new partner since my ex makes me nervous and feel anxious. He is very handsome and attractive, I guess to me sex should be taken seriously and committed...I'm not a one night stand kind of gal. I feel like I am putting this pressure on myself. Like a timeline or benchmark, and I hate how its making me feel.Dating is suppose to be fun?!! I want to make the new guy happy but I also have to honor my feelings.We have been dating for about 2 months. I am just not sure what to tell him or how to go about this. I would be sad if we stopped dating but I am not ready to see someone all the time. I hope someone can understand and give some advice??!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 You are not ready for a relationship which is fine, but have you told him that? You need to make that clear to him, so that he knows where he stands. It is great he is treating you well, but don't lead him on. Just be honest with him, tell him you like him but you don't want to rush things.
I understand what you mean that you are a loner, because I love spending time alone as well. I find it relaxing and like my own space. It sounds like he is opposite and likes to have company all the time, the same as my fiance, he hates being on his own while I am the opposite. Just remind him that you like to have your own space as well. Sometimes men need reminded all the time off these things.
It is good you haven't slept with him, and I understand why you feel anxious. No need to rush, just wait until you feel ready. Put your own feelings first not his, just be open and honest with him and hopefully he will wait until you are ready to give more.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 Now, don't confuse clingy with "want a serious relationship". This man is just clingy, that's all. I've met plenty of men who wanted a serious relationship, yet did not call everyday, and who would dread spending an entire weekend together. There are different needs for different people here. Some want to be together 24/7, others don't. Some prefer quality over quantity... And you and him just prefer different things.
I would actually say that this is a red flag, it's a huge difference between you two which can not be easily bridged. He will feel rejected a lot, and you will feel suffocated, no matter what your relationship status is or how serious it is.
I advise you to give it to him straight and when he asks to meet up, tell him you are busy. You have other plans. And tell him that you like spending time with him, but that you also have a need to do your own things without him. He should be able to respect that, if you say it clearly enough. Also, when he asks to meet up, don't just agree to everything! Tell him "Sorry, I can't spend all day with you, I have other errands to run/working out/meeting other friends/need my alone-time".
It's hard to tell someone you like "no", but you have to do it. Otherwise he will smother you and you will feel suffocated and then you will end up just breaking it off without a warning. Trust me, I know from experience of having been in your shoes. If you don't speak up and lay down some boundaries, you will just end up feeling over-run and that he's cramping your space, and then you will blow-up on him and he will be left a huge question mark.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): You're right not to want to go too fast as so many women make the mistake of rushing into what they think is a relationship only to find it all suddenly disappears. If he's serious he should respect your wishes and allow you space. You've only been seeing him 2 months which is nothing so you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't understand then he isn't the guy for you.
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