A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles I need some advice. I am 20 years old and just found out I'm pregnant and would really appreciate advice hopefully from people who have had or know of similiar experinces. I have a job that pays very well I make over $1100 a month and my partner works as well. But my problem is I have only been ther 3 weeks and me and my partner have only been together 7 months. My problem is I don't know whether I should keep my baby or not. My partner would love it if I did but I am not too sure. If I ever did have an abortion I don't want to regret it for the rest of my life. I have borderline personality disorder but I am high functioning and am receiving excellent help and feel great. I've read about other peoples experiences who have never gotten over it and it has affected their whole life. A little babies life depends on my decision and I am so confused :(Thank you for anyone who can help me I appreciate any advice that is unbiased. I don't feel ready for a child but don't want this decision to ruin my already fragile state of mind. Thanks again xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): You know you said, you weren't ready for a child. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself. You did what you thought was best. People with BPD can think very black and white sometimes, my mom has BPD. Abortion is a grey area. Also be careful about trying to fill a 'hole.' That is not a good reason to have a child. Go to speak to an abortion counsellor and be open with your partner about your feelings and your need for support. A lot of relationships breakdown after a termination so it is important you guys communicate with each other. Good luck to you.Also please don't encourage natasia with her advice. Some of us who have been through abortions don't want to hear that we have essentially chosen to 'kill my baby' it's really f-ed up and insensitive and guilting. Especially calling me brainwashed simply because I have a different opinion than her. Very mature. People who are good counsellors don't have strong opinions, they listen and let their patients talk and let their patient work through the decision.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Hey there
I can't tell you what a mix of emotions I feel now - so incredibly sorry that you didn't read my post before, but also so glad that although it is too late for what was your situation now, that what I said made sense and you heard it, albeit too late.
Nobody who has not been through an abortion can know what it is like.
If I tried to tell you what it was like to go through a car crash, but I had never been in one, and then someone else told you, and they had been in one, who would you listen to?
I'm afraid that the poster who said my post was too intense, is actually being brainwashed into thinking abortion is an ok option ... it just isn't. There isn't such a choice. The choice is only:
Let my baby live.
Kill my baby.
That is the choice. The point that shouldn't be missed is that pregnancy, creating new life, possibly killing that life - it is ALL fxxxxxg intense - it is pretty much the biggest thing that will ever happen to you - alongside the death of a close relative. And having an abortion results in most normal, thinking, feeling women going through a period of intense grief. But how this happens is, that during the so-called 'consultation' session before abortion, everything is made to sound kind of gentle and sensible - regrettable, but ultimately the BEST choice for the normal, mature, responsible woman. That is what is wrong. And then after the operation, they don't give a toss - you are left to cope with the tsunami of emotions. They are long gone, and 'counselling' the next person.
I am so sorry, love, because all that emotion is what you are feeling now. No, you're right. You won't even begin to feel better until you are pregnant again. Having another child is honestly the only thing in the world that will lessen the pain - and even then, I'm afraid it won't take it totally away, because every moment of joy you have watching your child, will be tinged with the awful, inconsolable regret of not having given the same to your other child.
I thought about my lost child only this morning, and I had that operation in 1990. I thought about how she (for some reason I feel the baby was a girl - I have been right about the others, so probably right on this) - she would have been 20 in January. I would have a grown-up daughter. And sometimes I wonder how it could have happened, that I lost her. And I think of the abortion clinic - of a place where a very 'nice' young woman asked me a few questions, where a male doctor requested I remove all my clothes and gave me a fairly rough examination, and later of the hospital, a big old mansion where they just did abortions from 8am to 8pm every day of the week, and each one cost the equivalent of about £500 nowadays ... and how they wouldn't listen to my last-minute crying and worrying and questioning, and how they just went ahead ... and how I woke up a different person, forever. I woke up screaming for my own mother, horrified at what it was possible to be done to a child.
I sat and waited there all afternoon, with similarly sobbing and shell-shocked women and girls, and looked at the hospital chimney billowing smoke, and wondered whether that was my child.
Later, and even worse, I discovered that the BPAS (British 'Pregancy' Advisory Service - what a joke of a name) actually sent a lot of the babies they aborted for research - sold the babies. Can you believe and imagine that? Charged the mothers, then SOLD the babies' bodies for research? This was about 7 years after I had the termination. I emailed and asked them about my records, and as soon as I started asking about what had happened to the baby and whether it had gone for research, they gave me some legal blurb about how they kept no records and had no responsibility to do so or to tell me anything ... who knows ... maybe I signed that right away in the counselling session as well ...
I am sorry if some people find this hard reading, and sorry if the poster who is going to have a termination doesn't want to hear it, but it is just the sad, honest truth of my experience.
So: you can't do anything now: you have to let your grief come out: but remember that you will have a child or children one day, most likely, and that will help you come to terms with what has happened. I'm sorry I can't offer more, but right now, your hormones are all over the place, and your body is trying to understand what has happened, and right itself. It usually takes a good 6 months or more for your body to get straight, and often longer, if you are emotionally affected.
And who the hell wouldn't be? My God.
Keep strong and think about the future only.
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female
reader, MamaBear  +, writes (2 May 2011):
My sister got pregnant at a young and unmarried age. She chose to have the baby and give him up for adoption. That would be a better choice than abortion, if you are having doubts. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there just a little update on what happened. I wish so badly I checked here sooner as I already went through with the abortion. It was traumatising mentally and physically agonizing. I regretted it instantly and will never forgive myself. Natasia I think your advice is amazing and you should definetly be on abortion sites advising people like me as it is really helpful. I voted you five stars Also the most recent anon poster I also gave your advice 5 stars and thank you so much for tryin to help. Abortion may be the best thing for some people but it definetly wasn't for me and you are right all I want now is to have a baby of my own now to fill the hole that I feel nothing else will fill. Thanks to all of you! And if you have any more advice I would be extremely grateful xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Hi hun, I understand your dilemma. I am also a 20 year old female, and I am now twenty two weeks pregnant. I just turned twenty this past March, and so far this pregnancy has been an emotional rollercoaster for me as I struggle with depression. I have had similar thoughts as you are having now. But, I realized (and I'm glad I did) that there is no way I could live with myself knowing that I killed my own child. At my first ultrasound my baby was only about eight weeks and he was already kicking and moving all over! They are humans, and they DO feel everything. What helped me to open my eyes is when I looked up how actually abortions are done, and it is very disturbing. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, so it's been a little longer, and we have a place. Our problem is not only our age, but we scrape by right now as it is financially. I just feel you should really think about the emotional burdens, and look up what an abortion is. I don't think it's the right choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/safersex/unplannedpregnancy/shouldihaveababy
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/safersex/unplannedpregnancy/shouldihaveababy
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): That last post was quite an intense one.I can relate to what you're feeling because I'm in the same situation. It is a really tough decision.I've decided against having a baby because I know I'm not ready to be a parent yet, and I'm 4 years older than you. A lot of women do regret having an abortion but some women don't, like my stepmom, they just don't seem to write in.These are some things I've thought about which have helped me make my decision:My freedommy careerthe stability of my relationshipmy financesmy support groupmy body.Write a list of pros and cons.Don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision either way but do think about yourself first. Abortion agencies aren't evil. They give people a choice and that's a good thing. Good luck, and remember that whatever your decision is, there is no right or wrong, it's just two life paths.
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reader, natasia +, writes (13 April 2011):
OMG - I can't believe that someone actually directed you towards Marie Stopes - which is just a money-making abortion racket!!!!!!!!!
Listen: there is enough doubt in what you say, and more than enough hopefulness in your situation, that I think you absolutely should have the baby, and absolutely should not have an abortion.
My reasoning (and I was forced into an abortion when 21, and I am also pretty sensitive/high IQ - only sharing that because it does have an effect on how someone copes - usually pretty badly if you are a bright, sensitive person with a tendency to any kind of emotional imbalance - and also I have 2 children and I know what it is to have a child, which you don't yet):
1. You aren't alone. You aren't incredibly young. You have the support of your boyfriend. You would easily make a go of it. Money will not be a problem - it honestly never is with babies. You will manage, and will be (both of you) just so happy about the pregnancy and baby that all will be OK.
2. Serious point: yes, you are right: having an abortion is a terrible thing, and many many women never recover emotionally. I am one of them. I am better than I was about it, but I still feel like I have three children, but I lost one of them. It is a most dreadful grief in the first few years, and stays with you forever. It will govern your actions. You will probably only want to get pregnant again, and you may reject your partner, and then fall into a wrong relationship. All sorts of bad things follow on as a result, let alone the sheer emotional agony of regret and grief. It is a truly awful thing. Let's not be coy, here: abortion is killing the life that is in you. No two ways about it. And boy, does it go against every instinct in your body at the moment - really, seriously, do it at your peril. I can't put this strongly enough. I should know. I went through it.
3. Your emotional stability: I, for example, was bright, etc, but fine - but after the termination, I immediately started suffering terrible panic attacks, and did for 15 years. At some periods, the panic attacks were crippling, and impaired my ability to function properly, work properly, etc. They were also just awful to endure - it was very frightening, and very upsetting.
If you know you have a personality disorder to start with, you really do risk pushing yourself into a totally different state by having an abortion. Your hormones will go crazy, you will be full of grief and regret, and there will be absolutely no going back. My god, I really really wouldn't risk it.
So, that might all sound a bit strong, but those are the facts as I know them.
Don't listen to any rubbish about 'how will you cope with a baby?' - it is pure nonsense. You will be fine. You will have hope and joy in your life, and you will adore your child. Hey, he or she is already there! The little darling made the leap into life. It's done already. The least you can do is welcome him or her with open arms, love them, and protect them. Don't listen to this cr@p about abortions. Because it really is rubbish. Marie Stopes and all those other so called 'help' organisations are just raking in the cash. Don't do it.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 April 2011):
 All I can tell you is that it is a personal choice, and only you can decide how you feel about it. Now you talk about earning money in dollars but your account says you are from the UK, so here is a link to a UK based organisation that may help you http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/Womens_services/Abortion.aspx
If you are from the US but your info on your account is wrong - well maybe try searching google for abortion charities or something similar to the link above, I am sure there is a helpline/website available for you in your area.
20 is very young to have a child, you are only in the very early stages of your relationship and $1100 a month is not a lot of money to raise a child (I know this because I earn over £1200 per month english money and this is not enough for me on my own, never mind with a child!). But then again if your partner wants the baby, and you want the baby - well it would not make much sense to have the abortion.
What is your personal opinion on abortion? Are you religious in any way? What makes you consider abortion (as in why dont you feel it is the right time to have a child)? When do you believe life starts (i.e. in the womb? Or when the child is born?)?
I think all that you have read on women regretting abortions is one sided - think of it this way - the people who are happy with their decision to have an abortion would not be on forums asking for support would they? So on the online forums and websites, chances are you are only going to come across women who regret it, because the ones who are happy with their decision and getting on with their lives and not really talking about the abortion. So dont let these stories scare you off - I am sure for every bad experience there are hundreds of women who are glad they had the abortion and they knew it was the right thing to do. The ones who had the bad experiences need to talk about it because they are upset, so you hear there story far more times than you will hear from the ones who are happy with their decision.
But that is not to say that abortion is right or wrong for you - only you know this deep down. What is your gut instinct? What is your heart telling you to do? Trust your instincts when it comes to decisions like this, I think deep down you know what you want to do but your scared to committ to a decison, and thats perfectly normal so dont worry.
Im my opinion, if I were in your situation - I would have the abortion. I dont believe that the child is alive until it is out of the womb and can breathe on its own - when it is in the womb it only survives because of the mother, it cannot live on its own therefore it is not alive. The definition of being 'born' is to be brought forth - therefore the child is brought forth into this world, it begins its life once it has been 'born'. I am not the sort of person that sees a bundle of cells as a 'baby' - it is literally a bundle of cells that are multiplying. I think I would struggle to have an abortion after maybe 12-16 weeks, as it is really quite developed by then and I would start to think of it as a 'baby'. But earlier than that - I would definitely have the abortion.
If I were aged 20, on a fairly low salary and just starting out in the world of work I would not want to jepoardise my career and my future by having a child so soon into a new job. Nor would I want to put such incredible strain on a new relationship when you have no idea if it is going to last. Not would I want children outside of marriage because I would not feel secure enough that the father would stick around. And aged 20 I would not feel emotionally mature enough to raise a child. I would not have achieved my own dreams so I would always resent the child a little for taking away my youth, as your twenties are a special time that should be fun, not struggling to make ends meet and filled with sleepless nights, sick and dirty nappies. And my main concern would be money - I would not think that my salary alone is enough to raise a child, plus if you are not married you cannot count on the father sticking around so the idea of raising a child on such a small salary alone would be enough for me to know that I could not raise this child properly and give it the life it deserves.
But that is just me - those would be my reasons for abortion but I dont know you, and I dont know your boyfriend - you might be perfectly capable of raising a child right now. I would base my decision on 'can I give the child the best life possible in my current situation?' If the answer is yes - then keep it. If it is no - then abortion or adoption. That is the only fair way to think about it - can you provide for the child, care for it and overall give it the best life? Because that is what each child deserves, the best possible life from parents who are ready to give them that life. And if you are not suitable to be a parent yet then it is no bad thing to have an abortion, if you cant give a child the best life then it is not fair to the child to bring it into this world.
I hope that has given you something to think about and I hope I havent been too one-sided, I am indeed pro-choice and believe women should have abortions if they feel it is right - but I am not trying to say that everyone should be having abortions. I believe in CHOICE - you have both options, carefully consider each one and go with what feels right for you. As long as you are happy with your choice and believe that you have done the right thing, then you cant ever regret it. If you have any doubts about abortion and dont feel comfortable with it - dont do it. But if you feel it is the right thing for you to do and you cant provide for a child right now, then equally be happy with that choice and dont let anyone else worry you with stories or their beliefs.
This is the most personal decision you can ever make, you should not consider anyone else in this apart from yourself and your boyfriend. You are the only 2 people that matter, so if you are both happy with your decision then that is all that matters.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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