A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What should I do about this guy? I'm so upset:(So my older friend says I'm a good decent girl and very pretty so she gave my number to her husbands nephew and he's been calling me since.We've talked and I found out that he's a 31 year old virgin and he says he's waiting till he gets married. (I'm not a virgin)I'm not attracted to him and I don't want to get to know him cause I feel he's too old for me (I'm 24) and it won't be dating I'd be courting and I don't think he's the one I want. He's really sweet and polite but I'm not into it.So what do I do? He says he wants to see me in person and tell me how he feels.I know I sound shallow but he's not my type. I don't find him good looking.Omg I feel so upset and such a bad person for saying all of this:( I don't want to hurt him:(What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I agree that all you have to do is say "this is not going to work for me it's better if we stop all contact." If you want to you can add "you seem like a nice guy but we are just not a good fit and I don't want to lead you on"
then you can totally feel free to ignore his further attempts to contact you.
I agree if your number was given out without your consent that you need to say something to the giver... no matter how well intentioned their action was it's created a problem for you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I would text/call him and tell him you think it's better to not talk/text anymore, you just don't see the two of you would work. That you appreciated his interest, but that you DO NOT want to waste any more of his time. Or you can tell him, you rather date someone a little closer to your own age. BOTH are the truth. Now he might NOT take it gracefully and my suggestion is, to IGNORE calls/texts from him after you "inform" him. If you can, BLOCK him.
And then TELL the friend who gave your number out, TO not do that again (unless you WANT her to do that again) And let her know that the dude was nice, but not someone you can see yourself with.
The SOONER you get that over and done with the better. Don't drag it out because he will take that as you either playing hard to get or playing games.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe texted me this morning & I want all his calls & texts to stop.
What should I say in a text to him? Please help?
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 If you're so worried about hurting him, think of it this way: It's better to tell him NOW you're not interested than to meet up with him, give him the chance to develop feelings for you, and THEN tell him. Also, don't feel obligated to be attracted to someone just because they are to you. Attraction is NOT mutual more often than it is. Yes, life (at least in the dating area) would be a lot simpler if we could choose who we were/weren't attracted to, but it doesn't work that way. So don't think of yourself as a bad person over this. Personally, I think it was wrong of your friend to give out your phone number without asking your permission.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 May 2014):
 You are not what he is looking for no matter what he thinks. Be nice to him and don't waste his time tell him right away.
In his status, 31 and single with no prospects, every one is trying to set him up whether he wants it or not.
FA
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Hi
Why on earth are you beating yourself up over this? You are under no obligation whatsoever to have a relationship with anyone, regardless of how much they think they like you! In no way does it make you a bad person or shallow not to want a relationship with this man!!
Relationships are based on physical attraction as well as personality. If you don't like his looks then that's absolutely fine. This guy is clearly not your type, too old for you, doesn't physically attract you and is a virgin looking to wait until marriage where as you are not. You have decided he is not for you. No problem. So why feel your a bad person?
All you need to do is be honest and say to him "sorry Jim but I would prefer not to continue with this". Or words to that effect.
You sound a nice person OP and its nice that you are kind hearted BUT you really need to toughen up a bit else you will end up in situations you don't want to be in. I've seen too many nice, kind people get used, have their kindness and inability to say no taken advantage of, or end up taking on responsibilities or relationships they didn't want for fear it makes them a bad person to decline.
Im not saying this particular man is doing that, but I mean generally.
You gave it a go, got to know him and decided he isn't right for you. So tell him he is not the one for you and leave it at that. Simple.
If he reacts badly then he is being unreasonable. If he wants to find a partner he needs to learn to approach women by himself instead of expecting his relations to find him one. Most of us are attracted at various points to people who are not interested in us. Its par of life and we have to take rejection.
Mark
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (21 May 2014):
The person who gave your number should get you out of this. How dare they! Telephone numbers are private. Or, say you have a boyfriend. This is way too heavy for you. Or, leave your phone off for a week. Get rid and don't feel bad.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (21 May 2014):
It is too much. It sounds heavy already. Scary to hear his views on sex when you haven't even met. Be kind but say you are not into making any kind of relationship yet. You are too young!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 May 2014):
You just have to tell him nicely! Don't drag it out, besides what he said would creep me out a little. "I'm sorry, I'd rather not meet in person will suffice. You owe him nothing more than that, and the meeting would surely be uncomfortable.
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