A
female
age
41-50,
*ELLYZ76
writes:Me an my boyfriend have been tighter 16mnts an our sex life was normal nothing freaky or spontaneous but here in da last4 months or so our sex has come to a complete hbought.He can't maintain an erection or when he does it will go limp inside of me.Is this my fault ?Or is he cheating on me ?Its breaking my heart please help
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male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (23 May 2014):
Hi, Firstly, no I do not think cheating is the issue. I am in my 40's, met a lovely divorced mum of 3 children and after about 10 months into our relationship, I experienced similar problems.I was still in love with her, still mad about her but for some reason, my 'thing' just seemed to go soft after about 5 seconds of sex. To sum up, I was tired at night, had been a heavy smoker, had tended to masturbate a lot before I met her, and my insecurity kept telling me a mature 'mum' of 3 teenagers would need at least a 60 minute man! (my insecurity.) We spoke about this together and a visit to the doctor where she spoke about a better lifestyle and diet with exercise. So, I totally stopped the cigarettes, walked more and ate more healthy. Also, I was recommended a 'pill' by my doctor, (all in the presence of my girlfriend) and we worked at this new lifestyle. The diet and exercise is good and the pill definitely helped. I dont use it now. My now wife had always stated she only wanted to support me and our life together. So, perhaps I had been hard on myself psychologically as well as not having an active lifestyle. But, I'm pleased to say that i am still with my mum of 3 and find that our honesty and sharing really helps. I hope things go well for you!
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (22 May 2014):
 If he cannot perform then its not you. Neither is it a sign that he is cheating, it doesn't mean he no longer loves you or that finds you less attractive.
Does he drink or smoke? Take drugs, including prescription medication? All of those can have the effect of making a man struggle to achieve, or maintain, an erection. As can stress, worry, tiredness.
If you are using condoms that can sometimes make a man loose an erection. Sometimes men will be unable to perform if they are subconsciously worried about getting their partner pregnant, perhaps because of using unreliable forms of birth control such as the withdrawal method.
He does need to tackle this however. Talk to him, be gentle and ensure he speaks to his doctor. Its a very common issue and one his doctor will see many, many times.
Mark
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 May 2014):
 It's not your fault
and it does not mean he's cheating.
It could me a medical issue and in middle age more than likely that's what's going on.
you need to talk to him about it and make sure he gets a medical work up to determine what's going on.
If he drinks or smokes or takes certain medications (have his meds changed in the last 6 months or so?) it can negatively affect his blood flow and that will affect his erections.
IGNORING the elephant in the room will not fix it or make it go away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2014):
 There can be many reasons.
One, he is TOO USED to his own hand (it's a LOT tighter on the grip then a woman's vagina)
Two, he's stressed or not really wanting sex.
I'd talk to him and not pretend it isn't happening. Maybe he needs to see his doc ( if it's low T that is causing the decrease in sexual desire). Maybe you two need to hold off on the sex a while.
It's not PROOF of cheating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): Talk to him, it could be medical it could be stress from work or money worries.
It has gone on long enough. Be gentle and understanding because he will feel bad anyway.
Do not assume he is cheating unless you have other strong evidence, find the truth and then solve the problem
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