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female
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anonymous
writes: I need some advice on relationships as I am not very good at them, even though I am 30 years young. My boyfriend is 22. My longest relationship has only been for a year, whereas he came out of a 4 1/2 yr relationship early this year. I always seem to bolt at the first sign of difficulty (not quite sure why) but I want to be in this relationship for the long haul. I am keen to get married and have kids at some point in my future. My boyfriend said about 6 months ago (before we started going out together) that he would like to get married and have kids some day. (He already has baby names that he likes!)Early this 4 1/2 yr relationship broke down. He said many things while we were friends that had me thinking that maybe I shouldn’t get involved; how his next girlfriend would have to realise that he would be thinking of his ex all the time and he would never commit to another girl (they were engaged). I imagine that this was heat of the moment stuff as he was hurting really bad. Anyway, we are now gf/bf and have agreed to go with the flow and take things really slow. He said that he is not going to plan his future anymore as it never turns out as you think, which is fair enough, but he then said to me ‘don’t worry I’m not going to ask you to marry me in 3 years time (the time period he asked his ex in) - and then said I may ask you in a month’. (We tease each other alot so I think the last bit was a joke) Although he speaks of me in a long term way which is encouraging, his comment concerns me because I want marriage - it is important to me. I felt my heart sink a little when he said it. I guess I don’t want to sink everything into a relationship if we don’t agree on the marriage issue.We talked about his ex and he said to me ‘i’m with someone alot more fun now’. He also sent me a message saying he enjoyed single life but he prefers being with someone and he thinks we would make a good couple. In another he said he thinks he’s falling for me.He said he will be faithful to me and that I have nothing to worry about on that score and I said that I am the same because fidelity is extremely important to me. He told me that all his previous girlfriends had treated him badly (cheating, lieing, etc) and that he is not used to be treated well so he said to bear with him if he ‘freaks out’. He said all he has ever known is being treated badly. I am not sure what he means by ‘freaks out’? Any ideas?With regards to sex; he sends me suggestive messages which makes me think he is only after one thing, but he has never pressured me and he always stops things before we go too far so it would suggest that maybe he isn’t. I find this quite confusing. I want us to be in love and sure of our feelings for each other before we progress things further. His speech would suggest he is only after one thing, but his actions suggest otherwise. I would rather he sent me more romantic messages.One other thing is that I sometimes misunderstand his messages. He will send me a message asking me for example what I am up to tonight and I assume he is asking me because he wants me to go out somewhere with him. If I am free that evening, I tell him so and then I don’t hear from him. This has happened a few times including last night when he said ‘Are you in if i come around’. I said ‘yes’ and 2 hours later he still hadn’t turned up so I texted him saying I was going to bed. I guess the emphasis was on the ‘if’ in his message but I didn’t read it like that initially. I asked him about it this evening and he said that he was with his friend and they lost track of time. I guess I want him to let me know if he can’t make it so I don’t end up waiting half the night for him or imagining he’s lying in a ditch somewhere but I don’t want to get too heavy on him. What is the best way of asking him to let me know whether he’s coming over or not? It has crossed my mind that because of the way he has been treated in the past, he is checking up on me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Okay, you bolt at the first sign of trouble, and he freaks out when people treat him too well. You should keep these two things in mind when dealing with your relationship because knowing this will be very helpful.
As for what he meant when he said he "freaks out", I would assume that he becomes scared when women treat him well, and he doesn't know how to deal with that type of situation. People who consistently have the same negative experiences usually learn defensive mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. When someone treats them the opposite way, it's difficult, because they know that they don't have a defense mechanism for that situation, and that makes them vulnerable to being hurt. I'm sure that is what your boyfriend meant.
Regarding the text messages, he's 22. Time doesn't mean anything to many 22 year-old men. He's young, he hangs out with friends, he goofs around. It's a part of being young. You should be honest with him and tell him that you would prefer that he is clear about his intentions when texts you because you don't want to worry about him or stay up waiting for someone who isn't coming over.
I don't think the suggestive texts are an indication that he is using you for sex. I think it's his way of reassuring you that he finds you attractive. Women express love emotionally. Guys express itphysically.
A
female
reader, sugapuff  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 hey hun.
this might not be what you wanna hear the only person who can answer these questions is your boyfriend!
you need to tell him how you feel and find out how he feels.
it may seem scary but if you cant have an open honest talk with him it cant be much of a relationship!
and from what youve said you guys were friends first!
so you should be able 2 talk!
id only be guessing and giving you alot of ifs and maybes!
the best thing to do is ask him directly!
you dont have to be full on asking about marriage or anything!
but if hes only 22 coming out of a 4 and a half year relationship god hes hardly experienced single life at all!
dont get me wrong my boyfriends older than me but ive lived alot so i dont feel im missing out on anything being in a relationship!
but i think you shud prepare yourself for the fact you guys cud be looking 4 very different things!
but the only person who can tell you wat he wants is him!
as 4 the texts tell him if hes coming over to let you know 4 sure and if hes not its no problem but you dont wanna stay in 4 no reason when you could be out having fun with your friends!
i dunno if some 1 asks me what am i up 2 i just take it as conversation and tell them wat im doing wat ever it is i dont assume they wanna do anything wit me unless they ask me to!
and look i know your ready to stop running away from relationships if theres trouble but this might not be the right guy to stick it out 4 if there are core issues like you wanna get married he doesnt all the sticking it out in the world aint gonna change a thing!
talk to him find out what he wants tell him ur worrys!
i hope this helps!
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