A
male
age
41-50,
*ohope
writes:I am 33 years old and have never had a girlfriend before, never had a meaningful conversation with a girl, never flirted before, havent really 'liked' anyone for 11 years, and I don't have ANY friends. It's not like I am deformed or ugly, I just have no experience, and now I'm afraid I'm loosing my libido because I don't seem to care much anymore. I ignore all good looking girls because it doesn't do me any good to look at them anymore, it only hurts. I go places, always by myself, and feel so out of place where it seems like everybody is with somebody else. I don't drink alcohol or coffee, so bars/clubs and coffee joints are a big turn off to me. That's probably why I have no friends.I can't stand talking to drunk people, and I hate the whole guy 'Macho' thing. I don't have much of a personality or charm. I pretty much stay to myself and don't care what others think or do. I guess this is not really a question, more of a rant because I have nobody to talk to and I have never told this to anyone. Maybe I just want some perspective. Go ahead and call me looser, it's not like I haven't heard it before...
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drunk, flirt, libido, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BOOM  +, writes (17 September 2009):
Dude you gotta get over yourself. Your sitting here saying you don't like people who are drunk, you won't go out for coffee, you won't go to bars and clubs. What your doing right now seems to suck socially so change it up do stuff just to hang with people. Go to a bar, or club meet some people. Also never go out looking to get a girl you will fail 99% of the time. Go out meet people, not just girls. I am not trying to be mean, but when I was younger I used to have issues socially, and the truth is you gotta change. Sure you need to be yourself, but be willing to give a bit. If your friends chill at the bar go to the bar and order a soda, just to hang with them. Invite people over to see the game. Get outta that shell and be yourself, but remember friendship is about giving.One thing that helped me was I started to wear less main stream clothing (not full out crazy, but a cooler more out there look then normal). Some people think I look like an idiot, but every now and then I get someone walking by who stops and says something like cool shirt. People think I am cool because I'm not something I'm not. Here is something to try (if you really want to meet people), find a club or bar playing some music you dig. Go there feel the vibe, then sit down at the bar order a drink (non alcoholic if you want) and say something to who ever is next to you. It could just be something like man this band rocks, or this wait really sucks. Most people will reply, even if they don't all you need to do is meet one or two people and talk to them. Then you can branch out from there, that's how I did it and now it seems like I can always find something to do.Look man I saw your post and am just trying to help. The key is to drop the I am better then you attitude and be chill. Most people will walk past bums on the street even if the bum is just saying hi, I used to to, but now I stop say hi and ask him what's up. You get friends, you will get girls. I look ok, have a good amount of cash, a nice college education, and I am chill. A lot of people think I can get girls with just those things, but without any friends I couldn't get any girls.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 I understand how you feel. The fact is, the worse you feel about yourself, the harder it is. And the harder it is, the worse you feel. I've been in that kind of vicious circle myself.
Lots of people have made a very valid point. People generally like to be around people who give out positive vibes. That's the way it is. You don't have to be the life of the party, but you do need to come across as a person who has an interest in people and loves life. That will attract people to you, whether men or women.
When relating with people, don't think too soon about how to get into a relationship with them. Having strong expectations could give rise to negative thoughts (judging from your track record) and could scare people off. Take it slowly and first just look to people as friends.
As for meeting people, that can also be a challenge. I've run into the same problem plenty of times. Do you have any interests? Could you join clubs or circles sharing a common interest? Cooking classes? Arts and crafts? Theatre? Games? Sport? What are the things that pique your interest? Joining a group activity would allow you to expand your horizons and combine your personal interests with an opportunity to meet like-minded people. And you wouldn't have to go out and do mind-numbing things like drink alcohol on your own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): What can I say. Life is like that sometimes. Girls like to have fun. Not too much at first but that's basically it. If you can be enjoyable on some level to be around (interesting, amusing) you can have most anyone's company. You need to say to yourself, 'Ok. My life has totally sucked up to this point. Let me try to enjoy the rest.' Every guy is nervous around women he doesn't know so you're not special. The only difference is that they enjoy the tension. You don't. So start. Make an ass of yourself. It'll only help in the long run. Trust me. I know.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
 You ever try spotting a girl and then try to work up a conversation??? Go to coffee shops and hang out for a while and take note of who comes in and out. do this regular enough and you'll realize who is single and who isn't. THen try to start a conversation...like,
"Hi, how are you today?" sounds silly, but it works..okay?
You gotta start somewhere.........
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A
male
reader, Nohope +, writes (28 March 2008):
Nohope is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responces. Yes, I have becaome a very jaded in my years of solitude and I guess that reflects in my attitude towards life in general. I try to be positive, but negativity always seems to win out. My only real hobby is music. I go to concerts at least 3 times a month since I've been 17 years old, always by myself. One would think that I would meet somebody in 16 years going out, but no. I look around the place, and 99% of the time I am the ONLY solo person there. Not single, but solo. Everybody is with a group of friends, and that makes me feel like a outcast. I own my own business, only have 2 employees (both married and over 60) so I have no social scene at work. YES, I do need a attitude re-adjustment... but how?
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
Okay, the eight year old boys penis thing really makes sense now.......but, does everything have to evolve around sex? NO!
find a website that involved men with small ones and do a social site visit and discuss it. You feel lost and down becuase of your penis and nothing more. No wonder you've lost contact with the real world......
I once knew a guy who has a small one the size of a baby boy...and he's got 3 kids and a wonderful wife!! YEP, no lie. God has a reason for all things. You are the one who has to make and take things by the 'balls' and make the moves. Get with the program and LIVE LIFE! She's out there, find her! and be gentle and patient!!!!!
Gena
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
Boy, your self esteem SUCKS--not to mention your ATTITUDE about life in general.
Were you home schooled or what? Jeesh. Why'd you bother writing us if you have such a bad attitude about yourself/life?
Unless you find someone who is like YOU?...poor them. I don't see you getting better unless you WANT TO CHANGE. Then, I could help you. Let me know, okay????
Gena
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): LazyGuy Im not sure what you think you know but you tell this poster not to take the advice of how to attract a women from a women well sorry to give you a news flash but WE know what WE like and what WE dont like!!!!!!! if girls want to attract a guy we dont ask another girl we ask the guy what he would look for in a women not the other way around
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): you sound very sad why would we call you a loser this is the place you can come to for help, you are putting yourself down to much. you dont have to drink to have friends, have you thought about joining a club or something like that there are lots of places you can go where there are people just like you who have trouble finding friends. do you work? is there someone there that you can befriend?
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.
In other words, a true prophetic statement — a prophecy declared as truth when it is not — may sufficiently influence people, either through fear or logical confusion, so that their reactions ultimately fulfill the false prophecy.
I. Do not drink. i do not smoke. and i don't take drugs.
I am a coffee drinker but am not big on the whole starbucks thing either. I haven't had a "Relationship" in over 5 years. and never had a proper relationhsip as such.
I do however have only a few friends. mostly women.
am i deformed? ugly? no. in fact i'm stunning. i'm amazing.
In fact i am So out of most womens leagues that i am on another plane of excistance. is this an Egotistical view? Not at all. its merely a projection of my greater self image. I believe i'm this amazing person. and low and behold. I am. people don't want to be my freind because.. they're mere mortals, and as a higher being i don't associate myself with the mere mortals.
Women don't reject me, they're just letting me know that they're probably a walking specimen jar or a bitch. or both!
Personally i like me. i like people like me and i enjoy time with me. i'm not a social person. but i am a people person.
and all of this from someone with no confidence and low/no self esteam.
Whats wrong with you? poor self image. you think therefor you are. you think you're a loser and thus you have sadly, become one. If you believe something enough you will make it happen.
To you i recommend a book. nothing more. no quick fix. just simply a book. Whever you take it up and read it through?
Well. are you happy with your life? do you wish you had the power to chance your life?
You might laugh at the book i am sending you to. but you mustdecide if you are willing to put the time and effort into changing your life and your destiny.
http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Life-Seven-Days/dp/059305055X?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206221458&sr=1-2
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Well the girls so far are all very nice and gentle, and also NOT dating you. It is a woman thing, say a guy is fine/great/nice and then not date him. Never take advice on how to attract women from a woman.
So I am not going to go soft on you.
Your attitude sucks, ever heard of the term "self-fulfilling prophecy"?
Even your post radiates negativity, well here is a shocker, women don't like this. Would you want to be around yourselve?
The alcohol thing I can somewhat understand but what the hell is your problem with coffee, does seeing someone else drink a cup make you sick? Would I be wrong in presuming that you can easily hold a 5 minute lecture on why coffee is wrong for you and would be perfectly willing to hold this lecture at a moments notice, even if no-one asks?
Part of being social with people is just to go with the flow and not constantly go "oh I don't want to do this". You don't go to a bar for the alcohol, it is cheaper and better at home. You don't go to a coffee-shop for the coffee. It is better and a shitload cheaper at home. You go there to be with people.
There is plenty of good advice out there, but the simplest you must follow first is to switch your attitude around. This is easier said then done, but nobody can do this for you.
The standard advice of finding a hobby and joining a club still goes. Even if this club has only men it will still allow you to practice your social skills. Keep your mouth SHUT about you aversion to beverages and just join the others. You don't have to the ring-leader, just don't get the ring-leader down. Most people are very open to new-comers, but they have little time to worry about your wounded ego. They ask you out once, maybe twice, but that is it. If you do not accept, then you won't get asked again.
So join in, even if a bar holds no attraction to you, for a pub visit. You don't have to make an excuse for not drinking beer, just say you really like coca-cola instead. It is one thing to be down on alcohol but something completly different to be up on softdrinks. One is negative the other is positive.
Some simple truths. A girl can't say yes until you ask and Miss Right doesn't do house calls.
Get a haircut, spend some time on your appearance (gym) and get a good outfit. If you can, start a new job and don't say no when people invite you to a staff do or afterwork drink.
Maybe do some volunteer work, if nothing else it will help you develop social skills and make you feel good about yourselve.
Just don't sit at home and mope. It is easy, it involves little risk but every year that passes is just going to make it harder to get out.
Only you can turn your life around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Buck up, guy. I can identify with how you feel. I was single until age of 29. And I mean single - no sex, no kissing, nada. I always felt like a freak, not a member of the human race because of what I was 'missing'. I finally got into a relationship and the guy turned out to be a loser who dumped me. Now I have a new boyfriend and he is wonderful. And you know what? One of the things he likes about me is my lack of relationship experience - he says it makes him feel young. And you'll probably make some woman feel the same lovely way.
My best advice to you is to concentrate on self-improvement. What are your hobbies? Could you join groups or take classes relating to them? Could your health use some improving? Maybe you could volunteer for an organization or event - anything from a food bank to an animal shelter to a fringe festival. Pursuing these interests will not only boost your self-confidence (which is the quality women are most attracted to, by the way) and give you some personality, but it's a good way to meet new people - after all, you'll have a common interest and therefore a place to start conversation. And when you get an offer to do something social, be it from a family member or co-worker, just say yes - embrace the opportunity. You're not going to meet people staying at home all the time.
You're a young guy at 33. There's time yet to make some changes and move closer to the kind of life you want. All is not lost - it really isn't.
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (27 March 2008):
 I definitely don't think you're a loser. You're sensitive enough to have thought about this for a great deal of time. Besides, most of the guys I know who rack up the most chick are complete douchebags. THEY'RE losers. Don't group yourself in with them.
However, it seems like over the years you've become pretty bitter, jaded and negative. Girls don't like that. Nobody likes that. I'm not saying you should be fake or anything, just that if your negative energy precedes you before you enter a room, no one wants to be in that room. (okay that sounded lame but you get the picture.) Do yourself a favor: in the next week, attempt to talk to at least five people, male or female. If it doesn't go well, fuck'em! What's the worst that could happen. I think you'll see however, that people are for the most part, flattered to have a brief conversation with a stranger. Once you start feeling more comfortable and less resentful, I'd bet money that you'll discover that "personality and charm" you feel you don't have too much of. Really.
-Jmo
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A
male
reader, Nohope +, writes (27 March 2008):
Nohope is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh ya, I forgot to add one 'small' detail about me, I'm hung like a 8 year old boy.... that REALLY helps my self confidence around girls :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Awh honey, come on, you're not a loser. And whoever has told you that in the past, well, let me just say it takes one to know one.
I guess some people just seem to be more individual and less dependant on others. But from your question, I can tell you're a great guy, but you're hurting it seems.. You're bitter because of this feeling inside, loneliness, wishing you could maybe fit in just a bit better.
There's someone out there in that wide world for everyone. Maybe you just need to 'cast your nets' a bit further. At work, keep happy and smile at a girl you haven't smiled at before. It's probably just a matter of you're giving out the wrong signals - girls probably like you, but never get the feeling you want to be around them! Give them a chance :]
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