A
male
age
36-40,
*urd0rau
writes:Hey everyone, I will keep this short and sweet (I am looking for a volume of answers to gauge what is deemed as acceptable by all)About six weeks ago I started chatting to a girl on Tinder, lovely bloody thing she is... We live 350kms apart, she's at the north of the island and I'm at the south. [she was down seeing family] After roughly 4 weeks of chatting, it was said that she would come down for our birthday's (17 of june for her and 19th of june for me) - we met up on the 18th, I gave her some presents, we went and had lunch, then came back to my place, we kissed and went and cuddled on my bed (no hanky spanky)...We have then decided to give things a go, and start a relationship - understanding the issue of distance. I was going to arrange a way to go up and see her in the next couple of weeks (as I was only able to spend 5-6 hours with her in total - and I miss her)..However she told me that she is going away.... with another man? Now the thing is, we live in Tasmania, Australia (tasmania is a small island at the bottom of aus) and this fella lives in Melbourne, which is 400+kms away and can only come via boat / plane - as there is a massive patch of water.Now, the issue that I'm having is as follows -She has never met this man, but has already committed to spending the night with him in a hotel? And has even suggested that they would share the same bed?She has told me time and time again, that I have nothing to worry about, she has been speaking to him longer than I, and she feels as if they are really good friends.I've told her, that people don't go to these extremes to make a friendship.I don't agree that she has willingly said yes to going 200 kilometers away with him to a place she is unfamiliar with and would be sharing the bed with him.. she keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, and is failing to see the fact that i have an issue with it?I don't mind that they meet and spend some time together (it even feels a bit weird saying that, but none the less)... but I do have the issue that she's committed to staying with him... and doesn't even know him. [ the way I see it she wouldn't be wanting to go and stay anywhere with any other man than me]I've said to her, why cant you meet for a coffee, judge him and then decide on lunch and what to do for the day? - Have him stay in a local hotel and then meet up again the next day?She said they could do that, but they were staying where they were for convenience of the area they were in.. I don't care for convenience and I think that if they didn't stay together it would not ruin anything, especially when he is coming all that way?To me sharing a bed should be with me and only me strictly, as that would be a privilege of being in a relationship with this person.I've tried explaining things like the rules of men and women being friends, generally the women think they can be friends, but from what I know, have read and understood generally the men have more feelings, other than just friendship ones and would jump at the opportunity to take it further.Generally there is attraction one way or another, between members of opposite sex who are friends... Ive said things like, I feel as if my feelings aren't being respected... it's frustrating me, and she is totally adamant that she is going to go and stay with him.She has confirmed that she has not told him about me? - which is another worrying sign, I mean if they are great friends and she has started a relationship with someone, to me that is pretty crucial and important information.I've also said to her, that if he was a man of integrity and knew that you have recently committed to someone, that he would take a step back and probably not come at all, out of respect to you and the new relationship you have formed.And he would definitely not be ok with sharing a bed with you? It is doing my head in, I really do like this girl and I have genuine feelings for her and I do believe we could have a good future together.Obviously I am seriously having second thoughts, as I have repeated myself for the past 24 hours, have expressed my issues with it, explained specific scenarios, and regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, I would give the same advice to not meet and and go and stay with someone you don't know.She doesn't have to share a bed with him, but it sounds like she wants to.I look at it like this also -Yeah i'll commit to you, but Im just going to go and lay in a bed with barry for a bit.I feel as if this is bullshit,And she's keeping herself open to see what he puts on the table? Even though committed to me?Am I correct to not be happy about them meeting? Am I correct to not be happy about them sharing a bed? Am I correct to think things guys intentions would not be for a friendship, due to the extremes he is going to?She says she doesn't like how its effecting me, and I have told her she has the opportunity to keep all parties happy and have everyone get what they want... for them to meet (as thats the main thing) and to offer me a sense of security.I don't think she is willing to compromise, or is legitimately considering my position in her life and my feelings for her.Seems manipulative and almost like emotional cheating?I do strangely believe her intentions? Just not his.I'm not crazy am I? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 June 2016):
 Not so "short and sweet" ;)
OP, I will support LDRs when they make sense because I'm in one.... You've met her once and there's been no official show of exclusivity. She's playing on that, but you want something more than she does.
I'd give this one a miss or tell her what you want from a relationship, but I think you're mismatched.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (27 June 2016):
If you invest another minute of your time into this woman you are a fool.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 June 2016):
Yes you are crazy...Her actions are self explanatory. She is a woman playing the field to see who is better than who.
In my books, if the other guy can get her to share is bed with him...he wins. No way I would sharing anything else with such a person.
As a man from Tasmania, what happens if you put two male Tasmanian Devils in the hole? You really want to be in the same "hole" with that other guys?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): It's ridiculous. Give her up now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): You are not crazy. If a girl doesn't want to have sex with a man, especially a stranger, she will never share a bed with him. It's a matter of self respect and safety.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2016):
 Honey, listen to you gut.
It's telling you "I feel as if this is bullshit" (to quote you) because it IS bullshit.
My guess is there is a LOT more to this "friendship" of her with him than meets the eye. And there are as many red flags that I feel you are not on Tasmania but in China....
Meeting someone for the first time and sharing a room? No, no no. Even if it was a female online friend. Just no.
And I was wondering too, did she buy you a present as well? Or was that one-sided as well?
I'd wish her well, block her and move on.
And I don't know how things are in Tasmania with dating apps, but in the US Tindr is a hook-up apps more than dating app. So... maybe consider trying a different method to met girls.
You can do better than this.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (26 June 2016):
 The main issue for me here is that she hasn't met the other man before. If they were long standing friends that met up regularly and they were going to share a TWIN room, I could probably accept it. But to meet someone for the first time and plan to share a bed...
I think she is either really naive or she is playing you. I wouldn't be comfortable with my girlfriend meeting a stranger in a strange town and I know she would definitely be uncomfortable with it too - not thinking about me, thinking about herself and her OWN safety, regardless of how well she knew this person online.
You need to talk to her frankly about this, tell her your concerns and be honest with her that you don't want her to go. If she is serious about you she will take your feelings into account. If she cannot see your point of view... do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that can't empathise with their partner?
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Believe me if she was committed to you and really liked you she wouldn't even think about going meeting another guy. Would you think about going meeting another girl?
And which type of woman goes and meets a guy who they never saw before and stays the night in the same bed in a hotel.
Your not crazy at all , this girl sounds manipulative to me and wants you to accept her ways as normal, which believe me they are not.
If you accept this then she will think that because you like her so much you will accept anything, you need to show this girl different and that you have morals.
You would be best to get out now.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (26 June 2016):
 Not off to a good start in trying to establish what seems like will be an already difficult relationship. IMHO, LDR pose far too many obstacles for most to be able to handle, even more so with the world of Tinder and the likes.350km apart, who knows what internet chit chat relations she intends to keep or start. Sounds to me she would much rather be on Plenty of Fish. If the role were reversed and she was a dude my advice would be the same, close the door on that one and throw away the key, she's a player. Sorry mate
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): She has known this guy before you.So this makes you the interuder here.You want to snatch this chick from her bf.To be honest she doesnt love you and she will never leave her bf for you. Probably she is only using you trying to make him jealous and force him to marry her.Most probably she has been with him many times before and slept with her.As aunty BimBim say she is bad news.you will only get hurt eventually.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 June 2016):
 Walk away from this toxic little scheming miss as quickly as you can.
I understand you are hoping that things are not as they appear and would like to have a good, open and honest relationship with this girl, but it isn't going to happen.
The meeting on 18th was a lovely idea, as was your buying her some birthday presents ..... did she also give YOU some birthday presents? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds to me that you were already more heavily invested in this possible relationship at that stage than she was.
Of course she is going to have sex with the man she is meeting, a girl with scruples would simply not share a room, let alone a bed, with a strange man, whether she had just got into a relationship or not. A man with honourable intentions would not share a bed with a girl he does not intend to have sex with .... I am sure he would be astounded at the suggestion.
This girl is playing you ....
She is lying about meeting this man and she is lying about her intentions toward you, luckily you haven't had time to really fall in love, so my advise is to throw this one back, there are plenty more fish in the sea, in Tasmania and online!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): You're not crazy. She is for thinking this is normal. It's not.
Either she commits to your newly established relationship and its possibilities, or she moves on to her "great friend" who sounds like more if they have to share a bed. No reason for that.
Move on, there's normal fish in the sea that won't leave you questioning your sanity.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (26 June 2016):
My belief is she's keeping her options open. Bottom line is you were chatting for six weeks and have met once.
While you were chatting together, she's been doing the same with this guy- you know that, right? And the agreed meet up - maybe it was arrange before yours, maybe since, who knows, but if you've committed to try something together and she's off to see some guy she's never met- some guy she met whilst looking for a love interest I might add, and plans to share a hotel room? She's naïve at best, and full of it at worst.
One meeting isn't much- his often realistically are you going to see each other? You appear to have very different values. Is this really what you want?
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