A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help, FAST! My boyfriend found 3 messages i'd sent a guy i slept with before.(TOTALLY INNOCENT) He was a colleage, and i HAD to text him regarding work, even though i know i was totally in the wrong for doing it behind my boyfriend's back.I have NEVER EVER cheated on my boyfriend of two years, and wouldn't so much as consider it. He doesn't believe me, and trust issues have often held us back. (on both sides)After these messages, obviously he has lost all trust. So he told me we were over. Last night i persuaded him to go out with me for a friends birthday party. He wouldn't let me touch him all night. But i understood, and after apologising and explaining perfusley, i hoped that he would forgive me, and he would stop being pissed.But i was wrong, things escalated towards the end of the night, and we got into a big argument out side the club. I don't know what the hell came over me, but i slapped him. And slapped him again, and pushed him, and scratched him, and beat his chest. All my fury came out at him not trusting me. I would never hurt him, and it was like i was trying to beat the trust into him.He kept shoving me away, but with alcohal fuelling emotions, i just kept coming back and grabbing him and hurting him. I have not once done this before to anyone, and as soon as i seen the mark i left on his neck, i felt physically sick. Stepped away and cried. I can't believe i hurt the person i love.If he were to hit me, i would never consider speaking to him again. So why should i expect him to take me back?I'm sick with worry, he won't answer his phone to me. Are we definately over? Did i just throw away my whole relationship? :-(Help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your answers. Things have been pretty hard so far. Susan Strict is spot on, in saying that he isn't bothered at all about the violence...it is the trust issue.
After giving him some time, i got in contact, and we met for lunch. I have been breaking my back to make it up to him. I know it's a big deal, and i know i hurt him, but we had so many plans together, that i don't think we could break up. I couldn't bear it. And i don't think it's what he wants.
He decided to give me another chance, and for one or two hours of the day, it's back to how it was.....and then all of a sudden, he flips again, and goes into a depressive state.....and won't touch me or look at me.
I know i'm in the wrong for texting this man i don't have remote feelings for, but this is starting to take it's toal. How can i be constantly blamed and criticised for something i would never even dream of doing.
I know a relationship needs trust...so how do i work on winning his back, before the whole thing falls apart. This is so difficult. It's very very hard being blamed in the wrong.
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (4 May 2008):
 All you can do is to apologise and do your best to explain everything.
My guess is that the trust issue will be far more of a concern to him than the drunken violence. It may be a little odd, and my advice to any girl whose boyfriend had been violent would be to leave him immediately, but men don't always see an episode of that sort from a girl in quite the same way as long as it really is a one-off.
If he won't answer the phone then write a letter. Take your time over it and make sure you include everything. Letters are far less likely to be thrown away without being read than an e-mail or a text or even a message on an answerphone. Then leave it a day or two and try phoning him again.
There is rarely any excuse for violence whoever it's from, and you know you were in the wrong - but even so there is still a chance. You're right: you can't expect him to take you back. He might. He just might. And if you feel that much for him, it just has to be worth trying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): I think you are both hurting in different ways - but you need to give this guy some thinking time and yourself by the way. It is very easy to undermine a relationship texting people with whom you have 'history'. I am not judging you but see it from his perspective too. After a couple of days could you perhaps write him a letter? I know it sounds old fashioned but it would show you have taken time to reflect on your actions and put something more considered to him. It is also a far cry from texts, emails etc. He needs time to cool off. It must have taken a lot for him to be your punch bag and I know how you are feeling as I have lashed out too before and it is humiliating. I had hormones to blame not alcohol - but lets face it neither are really a good enough reason. Perhaps you could meet somewhere neutral and relaxing - an open space / park etc and talk things through. If you both think it is worth it you will work things out.
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A
female
reader, Misti Hdz  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 You may have lost him. I know that you were realy mad and a person can only do so much. But getting physical about it changes alot of things. He may never forgive you for it you best bet is to stop calling him, it will be hard I know it will and you will probably lose sleep over the whole issue, but call him once leave him a message explaining everything, explain that it was about work if he read it than you don't have to prove anything which makes that part easy, and then just tell him that you wanted his trust so bad and felt that you lost it (his trust) for no reason. Tell him you are sorry and that you wasn't being yourelf due to alcohol. Tell him everything as best as you can without being demanding, and angry. and wait for him to call you back. He may not call you right back and it may take a few days or maybe longer but men are human and they have emotions just as us women do, give him time to sort through these emotions and he will make a decision and he will call you back. I hope everything works out. Good luck. Maybe you shouldn't drink for a while.
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