A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a 5 year relationship with my bf and two kids a 16 month old and a 3 year old, living together in his house. We have been having tough times since we only have one income, he works and i stay at home with the kids. I have been looking for a job from home, online since i have to take care of the babies, I have submitted tons of resume, but so far nothing. I have always worked until i had my children, but now that i want to get back to the work force, i have been out of luck. My BF drinks from the stress from the bills, but when he does he becomes verbally abusive and hates me. He drinks alone most of the time and as long as i don't bother him, we're fine. I can't help but get upset at him when his drunk cause he acts stupid saying silly things to me. I all hit the hay when i don't go along with the drunkenness which is most of the time. Once that happens it's all over, he begins with the name calling and the non stop verbal abuse. I'm so over it, specially when he calls me a leech. He hates his job and hates that i stay home with the kids so he attacks me. I don't feel welcomed in his home anymore but i have my kids and don't have no where to go. He is so full of himself and is always talking about how chic's are always checking him out, to me! He is always talking about how he is ridicules good looking.This attitude plus all the above have me confused. His mom helps us a lot but to his benefit and my family, well my dad is sick and my mother take care of him, so i don't want to worry them with my problems. His attitude plus all the above have me confused. Please help i don't know what to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): You don't even really know who he is.
He's an alcoholic.
"My BF drinks from the stress from the bills, but when he does he becomes verbally abusive and hates me. He drinks alone most of the time and as long as i don't bother him, we're fine. I can't help but get upset at him when his drunk cause he acts stupid saying silly things to me. I all hit the hay when i don't go along with the drunkenness which is most of the time. Once that happens it's all over, he begins with the name calling and the non stop verbal abuse."
This is what he is like on the alcohol, or between the alcohol when it is wearing off, but what is he like without the alcohol completely you don't know.
Tell him, when he is sober, to take a quiz.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
You need to go to Al-Anon.
Being raised in an alcoholic home is terrible for children.
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608
I have a copy of this on my desk, it helps to understand.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 July 2011):
 It definitely sounds like this relationship is not headed in the right direction. Please accept my apologizes.
From your post, it sounds like he may have a drinking problem and that may be the crux of your entire problem. In order to give yourself the tools necessary, I suggest you visit this website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. You may want to attend one of their meetings -- they are free and people there will be able to give you support in dealing with your mate's drinking.
Secondly, if you are stressing about bills, you should take a good look together about what you can BOTH cut from the budget. Perhaps booze, cable, newspapers, extra cell phones, junk food, fast food, internet could be cut to save a few bucks. As you are now beginning to realize, kids are expensive. You may also want to look for part time work that you could do at night or on weekends when your boyfriend isn't working.
Thirdly, you may want to consider looking for counseling. Perhaps your church offers couples counseling (or check with your insurance). It sounds like there are some serious problems going on that need a professional to deal with. In addition, they will be able to give you the tools and direction to help your boyfriend address his drinking problem. I'll be honest, if your boyfriend continues to drink, it will eventually break you guys up or you'll live in misery.
Also, I would suggest you begin to have a back-up plan. Often times alcoholics get progressively worse and they can get violent. It sort of sounds like it is progressing in this direction. Just be sure you have your ducks in order, should it get to this situation where you need to leave for your safety -- as well as your children's safety.
Ultimately, to solve this problem, you will have to work together as a team. Looks for ways to cut the budget together and he needs to realize that raising children is a full-time job.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 July 2011):
 It seems like you are in an abusive situation with a very unhappy man. Are the children HIS children?
You are going to have to come up with a plan. I would suggest looking into schools where you can get retrained in something to get OUT. You might qualify for financial aid, since you have two kids and are not married. There are programs that may provide childcare costs, or you may have to take out a student loan where you repay the $ back over time.
Subjecting your children to an abusive alcoholic would harm them over time.
If they are his children, he will need to offer them financial support, even if you are no longer living there.
Time to make some tough choices! Find out all your options and do what is best for the kids.
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