A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am trying to figure out what to do because I have MANY acquaintances, but no close friends. Granted, my life is not bad. I have a really great boyfriend, we go to a lot of parties and outings with other people, and I do hang out with people quite a bit. However, I have lost any truly close friends I have had along the way. In high school, I had a best friend but we had a falling out over a boy and have never been close since. My other best friend changed a lot and we grew a part. My best friend in college was very emotionally needy and so we grew apart because I couldn't handle her neediness, and my OTHER best friend in college I ashamedly gave up because I met this new group of acquaintances (that I have now) and he knew (and still knows) all of my deepest darkest secrets and I think I wanted to forget the past and feel like a new person. I have had a few people I would call friends over the years but they all moved away, got married, had babies, and apparently that changes people. So here I am, with a boyfriend I love, two cute puppies that I consider my kids, and a whole bunch of people I like to hang out with, but there is a hole in my heart because the missing piece I am seeking now is a real and true best friend, but unfortunately I have burned some bridges and you let's face it, and least with the friends of the past, the damage is done. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes it was a fault of theirs, and sometimes life just happened. So what should I do? (I fear by the time I get married, I'll have no one whom I can call bridesmaids.) So what do I do, and how can I be a better friend in the future? Thank you very much for your advice!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 February 2016):
My recipe for friendship, though it's still a work in progress:
- When you meet someone you get along with well, try to nourish the contact.
That means picking dates to meet each other for coffee, doing fun things. Open up your agenda's on the spot and reserve a date immediately, instead of saying "yeah we should do that sometime." Sometime is usually never. So get something tangible.
- Be interested in what's going on in their lives.
That means asking about it and listening intently. When you're able to listen to someone without interrupting, you make them feel like the center of the universe. Yes, you can offer shared experiences, but if you're simply waiting for them to stop talking so you can start talking, you're doing it wrong.
- Do favors for them. And don't expect anything in return. I think this is one of the most important things. Someone I hung out with became a friend when she mentioned a problem I was in the position of solving. She had to travel to a big city the next day for an important meeting, but she had a splitting migraine and couldn't stand the thought of having to drive. She didn't mention much of this, but I deduced by asking questions about her problem. I told her I'd be happy to drive her and I did. I didn't ask for gas money, nor did I ever bring it up again as a way to get something from her. This made such an impact she still mentions it to other people a year later. She has in turn been there for me when my life was hard.
Now of course, if your friend keeps calling on you for help but is never available to offer a listening ear, you're being used and that friend isn't a friend. But I've found not many people will abuse your willingness to be there for them.
- Unexpected gifts at unexpected times. A friend of mine is a huge Captain America fan. She's especially a fan of Bucky Barnes. I stumbled across a Bucky Barnes themed book full of art online, limited edition. I bought it immediately and sent it to her. It was in the middle of the summer, no birthday or holiday in sight. It was a huge, happy surprise for her.
Now, I'm not saying you should buy your way into friendships. The key is basically to pay attention to your friends and act accordingly. It has to be a natural thing. In the beginning it'll be hard work, but it's worth it.
Lastly: be really clear about what you tolerate from people and what you don't. My so far unmentioned friend number five has had a hard time recently and has a habit of cruelly lashing out to the people she loves because of it. Now, I will do a lot for people. I will call off work, I will drive to the end of the world, I'll hold your hair out of your face while you puke in a bucket, but I will not stand for unfair treatment. I was there for her when she needed me but she verbally stomped me into the ground for no good reason other than the fact she was feeling bad. I told her I was going to pretend she never said that but that if she wanted to hear from me again, she was going to have to make the first move. I haven't heard from her in three weeks. I will call her in the fourth to see if something can be salvaged, but if it can't, I'm going to cut my losses.
Don't ever let the people who are supposed to love you treat you badly.
Adhere to this and I'm pretty sure you'll build friendships for life. You might think 4 good friends isn't much, but it's better than a ton of people you only have superficial contact with.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (15 February 2016):
 Bridges can often be rebuilt - that's if you are sure they should be. True friends can't be manufactured. If you find yourself in a bit of a desert as far as friends go you have to make do with what you have.
Sometimes you can find them in the most unlikely places. Perhaps you could volunteer some time for a charity or take an evening class. Before you know it you find a common thread with someone.
I think many people outgrow the kind of friendships they had when they were young. Their partners and their social scene take over from the kind of sharing of little intimacies that particularly young women seem to enjoy.
You will find good friends in the future. but don't spend too long looking back. In order to get to the next chapter you have to turn the page.
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