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male
,
*adhatter
writes: I'm 15, gay, and a virgin, and I am saving sex 'til marriage. I believe that I have found someone I truly love dearly.... he's 14... but I can't seem to get over the fact that he has already given his virginity away to someone. It's especially bothersome that it wasn't really even someone he was dating. He says he regretted doing it, but I feel that when/if we have sex I would be giving myself completely to him, while he will have already given himself away to some other joker. I am already insanely insecure about how I would ever perform sexually, and feelings of how I look (and unfortunately I don't put the blame of this entirely on myself). If he had been a virgin, I wouldn't feel this way (or at least not as much) because we would both be each other's first, with no other experience to base any judgement off of, and if we didn't really know what we were doing, it wouldn't matter all that much because we would be experiencing the exact same thing. I know it's early to even be worrying about this, but its not a feeling that I have been able to blow off... at all. I often times end up in tears wishing I wasn't the way I am. It may be seen as selfishness on my part to take this in such a serious manner, especially with the way peoples' moralistic values seemed have rapidly deteriorated, and I do realize everyone makes mistakes, but this seems to be overwhelming me, and I can't escape the apprehension and sadness that I am feeling. If anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. For right now I am feeling quite bad about the whole issue, and need some help getting past it.PS - I haven't considered discontinuing our relationship, he is to dear to me, and I feel that this is too insignificant to have such long term affects, but be that as it may, it is still causing me great misery now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2005): Just because he's not a virgin and you are it doesn't change anything. If you both love each other very much you won't even think about it. If it does bother you try asking him what his feelings are for you. Believe me if you are in a relationship for a long time with someone you love you forget the previous relationship. Ask yourself how long does sex last and what will you remember of it in a few years time when your with someone so much better.
A
female
reader, heaven +, writes (18 September 2005):
Firstly if you are insecure it will only mess up your relationship maybe you have to take a step back and have some me time!i know this is brobley your 1st love so you are putting everything into it,but dont get carried away with things like marrige,i dont want to nag and say your to young to know what love is but just be carefull.I found it hard to except that my partner had lost her virginity to a man as she hadnt come out as a lesbain but i now know it was only me being insercure as i had lost my virginity to a man so why couldnt she!now we are blessed and we always say we were each other 1st as it doesnt matter who we lost it too. when we slept with each other we truely loved each other&that in my eyes is the key,if you and your boyfriend truely love each other then it doesnt matter if he is not a virgin.
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A
reader, pops +, writes (18 September 2005):
Take Bev's advice and critique to heart. Save this letter that you have written. When puberty strikes you will feel like such an Ass for having written it ! At your age, you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about !
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A
male
reader, madhatter +, writes (17 September 2005):
Im sorry you see sexuality as something so shallow as to whom you enjoy sex with more (i see it as a much deeper love), but please excuse my frankness, i just know that i prefer sausage over taco.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (17 September 2005):
I really don't mean any offence to you but how can you know you are gay if you have not had sex with either a man or a woman yet. Also 15 is very young to be making up your mind about (a) your sexuality and (b) who you are going to spend the rest of your life with.
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A
male
reader, madhatter +, writes (17 September 2005):
I apologize for my lacking in detail, I wrote this at a rather late hour of the night. Anywho, yes we are "involved", and yes he is therefore gay. I may sound immature in saying this at this age, but we have been together for a few months and I do see myself spending my life with him, and he feels likewise about me. It is also not lust i have for him, sex is really the least of my desires right now.
On the subject of my self image, I said I did not *COMPLETELY* blame it on myself. I find it foolish to blame all my problems on other people, but i would also find it foolish to think that the judgement of other people havent contributed to my state of well-being. It seems you may have forgotten what life at a high school can be like.
I also realize that my feelings are illogical, and have thought my situation through in a logical manner many times, and although i see myself as being selfish in this situation, i dont know what i can do to illeviate my ill feelings towards his past sexual escapades (with whom he has told me was with someone his age). By posting on here, my wish is that i can resolve my issues without making my significant other feel as if i hold his past against him. I know that nobody is perfect, and i have contempt for myself for feeling this badly over something that could be considered so insignificant. I guess i can only hope to just get over it in time.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 September 2005):
 OK, we'll put your extreme youth - and the unlikelihood of your getting married any time soon - on the back burner for now, as well as the issue of gay marriage, generally (which causes conflagration in countries such as the US).
What I do want to focus on is your ridiculous assumption that your 14-year-old paramour "gave away" his virginity to someone else, before you appeared on the scene, and that it's somehow shows a lack of care on his part.
Firstly, you haven't given any hint in your letter that you and he are even involved, much less that you're both so devoted to each other that marriage is inevitable in your collective future. So, are you? Is there romance between you, or are you just lusting after him, because you're friends? Is he even gay? You haven't addressed any of those issues, so what I'm left thinking is that you're infatuated with someone who may or may not return your attraction, and might be gay, bi or straight, and that you're full or self-righteous teenage angst because the boy you want isn't a virgin too.
If that's the case, you're 'way, 'way off base in judging him that way, and I'd say you need to find a hobby.
On the other hand, even if he's gay and romantically involved with you RIGHT NOW, and planning on being with you forever... it's still silly for you to resent his non-virgin status, as if it's a threat to you "performance". What did you think, that at the age of 13-and-a-half he knew that your love was just around the corner, yet went ahead and had sex with someone else anyway?
Hon, I suggest that when a 14-year-old boy has gay sex with someone, there's usually an older man and manipulation involved. Your boyfriend may have felt pressured and passive during that act; that doesn't spell "given away" virginity to me.
If you want to get past this, you need to be realistic. Pull out your pocket-sized time machine, hop into it and travel back in time to a point before he lost his virginity, then tell him that you want him to wait for you.
Or... realise you can't, and try living in the real world.
It's his past and he can't change it. He's already told you he regretted having sex. What more would you have him do? Seriously, he can't get his virginity *back*, so decide what's more important to you. Is it him you want, or his virginity?
Do you really, honestly worry that this boy would judge your lovemaking skill on the basis of one sexual experience with someone else? And if he did, and he was harsh in his judgement and found you wanting... would you want to spend your life with a person like that anyway?
This is a classic mountain-out-of-a-molehill worry. Relaaaax! *IF* you're committed to the idea of waiting until marriage before you have sex, and *IF* this boy is also prepared to be celebate from now until then, and *IF* you and he decide to bind your lives for all time... by then YEARS will have passed and you'll have overcome your negative self-image and will have dealt with this problem already, right? Because if you don't deal with your problem of blaming others for your insecurity, you'll have driven him off long before your marriage to him becomes and issue.
Stuff to think about, from one of the ancients.
Good luck, dear; I wish you well, but I also wish you logic.
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