A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop thinking about him, I saw him a couple of weeks ago in a new band project I play bass guitar in that my musician friends threw together, one guy who did put it together told me my ex was still in love with me, what am I suppose to do, I am still in love with him too!! duh... I don't think I will ever get over this guy, it was a horrible break up totally crazy involving drugs and alcohol on his part and I couldn't take anymore as you would agree I'm sure. Most gal pals tell me to stay away from him, good advice right? Well, I'm scheduled to see him or play in a band with him one time per week and everytime I see him I just get so excited to see him and I can see the gleam in his eye still and maybe he can still see mine, it's really sad.After our horrible breakup I threw him out of my apt. and still couldn't stop loving or caring about him but he wouldn't get back together he already had a girl take him in to her place for him to live with her and her 2 kids. He's still with her and it's been 9 years and he hasn't married her and doesn't plan on it. He tells me he doesn't know what he's going to do playing in a band with me that if his girlfriend finds out he just won't be able to be a part of the project. It was our original band project when we were boyfriend and girlfriend by the way, so in that regard, alot of memories are stirring.Did I mention I had gotten pregnant with my ex's baby and he decided and I guess I agreed it was not a good time and didn't have the child then and one year later he winds up with a girl with 2 children, I guess he would rather help raise someone else's children than his own that is resentful of me but I figure it was his loss because now I have a beautiful baby girl who's four and I adore her and he lost out on being a father, he's in his middle forties now.This is not just some fantasy, this is the real deal, I never believed in soul mates before but he is it, I have such a history with this guy my whole life, across different states, how weird is that, doesn't that count for something or have some meaning.I ended up marrying a guy completely opposite of my ex and have been bored to tears and he's very controlling and angry all the time because he's divorced and sees his two step daughters on every other weekend, things are getting better but I've wanted out just about one month after the wedding was over and it's been almost 6 years. I couldn't believe what I had done. Then just to hang in there and stick it out, I get pregnant and have a little girl, the little girl I believe I was maybe to have with my ex. But I know that's okay wasn't meant to be.I am so happy now to see him once a week and he leaves all upset which is crummy keeps thinking he won't be able to come back but shows back up again, he's totally in love with me still, He doesn't know what to do at all. I can't tell him and I'm not sure if it would be good for me. I'm married but like to think I'm not married around him. He tells me how miserable he is with his GF, I don't really believe it, I think he just tells me that, but I think she's very controlling like my husband, weird!!! I've got a child to think about who loves her daddy, but I don't really, I don't even have a good time with my husband and I end up pretending for him so not to rock the boat or anything, I can't be that terrible to my husband. It's just the more time I see my ex, the less I want to be around my husband, even though I don't really hang out with him or anything, it's a working situation that's it and then we leave, but I am so confused!!!! I can't take care of this guy like this other GF of his of 9 years but he is so in love with me and I am too, it's terrible? 9 years? Actually longer if I want to go back further as just friends, 15 years.I told the guys I was okay playing with him, of course I am, I love the guy but the other guys don't know that, they know I am married with child. I just wish I could get him off of my mind, it sucks. It's killing me to tell my ex how I feel because maybe I should never do it and just leave things as they are maybe forever and accept him the way he is. It's hard.Usually time heals everything but this guy, why can't I get over him? I guess my marriage has been a total non-loving, non-communicating experience, everything you can think of my husband, he's a good guy but has no idea of how to treat a wife, take care of himself, even if I hadn't of seen my ex, I still want to divorce the guy, just can't seem to ever be in the position to do it and you get comfortable in your day to day life. I can't believe I would give this ex a second chance but he told me he never thought he would ever see me again and me too I didn't think I would either but it is strange how he's come back into my life when my marriage seems hopeless. Me and my husband have absolutely nothing, nothing in common, it's a joke, I was a rebound from his divorced marriage and he will never admit it, we dated while he was getting divorced and I ended up pregnant right away but this guy will never leave me, never, believe me I tried in ways others would of caught on to. I just don't believe in love like I used to, I guess I don't think it was meant for me, real love, I know about all other sorts of love but real love, I guess I just was not so lucky and if you met me or saw me in person, you would never believe it, no one would ever imagine. You could be Madonna and look at her life, it's the same here. I understand. Should I be waiting for my ex to ever talk to me about how he feels, I would love that to happen but I feel it just might not and he would be gone again. What should I do, if anything?I don't know what my question is what do I do about this ex, he's the one and the one who's always been but his behavior like living off of women is weak and had a bad drug and alcohol problem that is suppose to have been resolved and he works alot now, he seems better so far, but I would hate to make him quit the project but I think the other guys involved can feel the chemistry that is happening in that band room and it's pretty strong, telling me some of this music we are playing together is sounding better than they've ever played before and they are right, me and my ex are communicating through our music together??? I can't believe this is happening to me, I can't seem to let this guy go, what do I do?
View related questions:
divorce, drugs, get back together, I work with, my ex, soul mates, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (17 August 2009):
 This is already a big messy mess. You made the vows to your husband... remember better or worse... I know you're unhappy but a fantasy isn't going to fix the problem. You need to get out of that band and remove yourself from temptation.
Then start addressing the problems in your marriage... I would guess that you are rarely honest with your husband about your feelings and needs. You might be surprised at what can change if start being truly honest and vulnerable. Be firm, specific and persistent... no criticism but honest statements "It's really important for me... need...I feel...I want..." and this will likely be extremely hard for you, its hard for most everybody. If you can't finish those statements consider what needs your ex stirs up in you... does he make you feel beautiful? needed? competent? does he talk to you? does he admire you?
Look at marriagebuilders.com it has very valuable information for you. I know you think your marriage can't be salvaged but the fact remains that you have been married to him for 6yrs... if you were truly totally unsatisfied and unhappy nothing would have stopped you from leaving. You didn't leave because he probably meets some of your needs, but there's hope for getting them all met... without destroying lives.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 Maybe just enjoy the venue of the gig, appreciate him for what he brings to the band, keep things from going personal. No you are not over him, but he has been with someone for 9 years. Something must be okay with that situation or he would've bailed. Plus you have a daughter and you've stayed 6 years. If the two of you end up together, something tells me old problems will re-surface and you'll both just end up disappointed that you wrecked your homes for nothing. I know what you mean about being in a dead-end marriage and marrying someone because it seemed like a good idea at the time (re-bound) and then later realizing you made a mistake. I also know women are famous for wanting a new branch to swing to before they leave the nest. I'm just not sure your ex is the answer. I think it's just a matter of time however, before the whole thing blows up anyhow. His g/f of 9 years is going to figure out you're in the band and she'll probably pull the plug if she's smart (and controlling like you said) and then he'll be forced to leave the band. If he makes that choice, you'll know he loves her more than he lets on. It's probably just as well for both of you. This is going to be a big messy mess if you let it get out of control.
...............................
|
