A
male
age
51-59,
*elotesmike
writes:Hello - I have been married for 14 years. We have 6, yes 6, children. 2 of them are relatives we adopted due to substance abuse by the parents - it seemed better to take them in since the only alternative was to let them fall into the state system; now they are part of the family. The children range from 1 to 12. I love my children dearly and don't want to be the person who ran out on his 6 kids. But I've fallen out of love with my wife. Our marriage has been rocky for years and I can no longer tolerate her apocalyptic mood swings, her yelling profanity at me or the kids, or any of the tantrums. It's maddening because it's not consistent - often she's a great mother (she's a stay at home mom) but when she has a meltdown, it's too inproportional to the circumstances. And, of course, there is another wrinkle - I've fallen in love with somebody else. I don't think I could win custody of the children without documented evidence - she punched me in the face but only on one occassion and I didn't report it. I don't hate her but I don't love her. But, I don't want to ruin my children's lives. And I want to be in a relationship with somebody I love. I can't stand the thought of not having my kids with me. My wife and I have talked about this and she says she has felt the exact same with me, but we're supposed to work through it. I don't think I have the energy to go through that with her, not when I've felt as hopeless in this relationship and while I have these feelings for this other woman. Please, I'd love to hear other thoughts on this situation. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, helotesmike +, writes (12 November 2007):
helotesmike is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhased me? Of course it's "phased me". But these problems and meltdowns have been occurring since we had child #2. I'm the one that gets the kids up and ready for school while she sleeps. I'm the one that makes breakfast. I see them onto the bus and take my oldest to school. Half the time, I'm the one who takes care of dinner and bathes the 2 youngest. She has 3 to deal with, and 2 of them have been at day care or mother's day out. But no matter what, it's still the same - she feels attacked and lashes out. I haven't been a perfect husband - I've withdrawn when she's lashed out. But I've never been with another woman until now. I've tried to be there for her. But each reconciliation is short lived until it's wiped out by another rant which leaves me or the kids shell shocked. I didn't get bored with her - I've simply become exhausted of dealing with schizophrenic behavior. One day, she teaches religion education lessons - the next she cruelly berates a 12 year old child for being "stupid" and a "princess". Have I chosen to fall out of love? Maybe, but simply for lack of willingness to continuously be knocked down.
A
female
reader, In need of a change  +, writes (12 November 2007):
I can understand your conflict, I am also in an unhappy marriage and have six children. I am not "in love" with my partner and want a relationship where I love that person. I have met someone new, I am unsure what to do right now. Separation right now sounds mighty good. The only advice I can think of is tell her how you feel honestly, this is what I am planning on telling my spouse as soon as the plan is well in place. From my experience you can only fool yourself for so long! I keep telling myself you only live once! Why go through life miserable. As for the new relationship just learn to take it easy! How about an arrangement throught the courts with your wife, like it or not she is going to have to face the facts. The marriage no longer works, and that you no longer love her!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 November 2007):
 I don't know if I would believe that either. She needs to go to a psychologist for a proper diagnosis. Her behavior sounds as if she may have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) If the uncles did do something to her, this would explain the reason this disorder surfaced. What happens with trauma related disorder is the pain created begins small, then it grows if not dealt with. At some point behaviors are created because the pain grows so large it moves from the subconscious to peaking its way into the conscious. It's difficult living with someone who has this, but it's even more difficult being the one who lives with it. You have all these automatic mood changes, and can't pinpoint where they are coming from or why they take place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): There's an obvious reason you married her and decided to bring/support 6 kids into your world (whether birth children or adopted). I'm sure a lot of her frustration stems from her being home all day with the kids- has that ever phased you? When was the last time you two had sex, or even went out on a date? Perhaps if you focused on your wife and not looking for other women while your wife is taking care of your 6 kids, then your relationship wouldn't be on the rocks. Dump your girlfriend and take care of your family. You chose to fall out of love with her because you got bored with her and stopped taking care of her and loving her, and instead started focusing your love towards another woman. Shame on you. I don't blame her for the meltdowns- don't think for a second that she's oblivious to the fact that you're having an extra marital affair. Get with the program buddy and stop being a selfish bastard and start thinking about the woman who's taking car of your SIX children. Geez.
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A
male
reader, helotesmike +, writes (10 November 2007):
helotesmike is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I did love my wife. I still have feelings for her - that is, she is often a good mother and tries to be a good person. I just don't think it's right for things to go to the level they do, negatively. How long have I felt like this? It's been intermittent for about 3 years. Many times I've had a "fake it till you make it" attitude. I've held back on confrontations, just going along to get along. But that's let the door open to let emotional connections with others happen. Examples...things like trash not being picked up and her yelling at the kids about *all* the wrong things they do, with "crap/shit" mixed into her rant. Not right for a kindergardner. Mean sarcasm directed at children often. Arguing with her until she got so mad I got 3 solid punches to the jaw. Her anger at something insignificant my 8 year old did outside, so strong that she repeatedly slammed the front door until she split the wood down the side adjacent to the door jamb. Her irritation at me at the gym and leaving me there so I could have a nice half mile walk home. On the other side - her working on religious education with the kids, volunteering for room parenting duties, taking in & mothering my niece and nephew. It's schizophrenic behavior and I'm exhausted. I haven't been able to enjoy peace or happiness because I know it's shortlived. Was she abused? I don't know. She said uncles exposed themselves to her when she was a kid but that nothing else ever happened. I don't press but I'm not sure I believe her.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 November 2007):
What is happening to "for better or worse." I really don't think it say "for better or until you find someone else." That would really devalue marriage, but actions that simulate that do the same.
Here's a couple of questions we need answered. (1) Was there ever a time you loved your wife. (2) How long have you felt this way about the marriage (3) Give a couple of examples about these mood swings, how often do they happen, and has your wife ever experienced mental of physical trauma.
Thank you.
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