A
male
age
51-59,
*imsum
writes:I have been married for 4 years (started dating since '98). Things were good (not the greatest) with her from the beginning. Let's start from the beginning... I was previously engaged to a wonderful person, but she died of lukemia. Ever since she passed away, I took myself away from everyone for a year. I did not think I would ever find someone else like her. So when I met her (my current wife), I liked her but I knew (at least that's what I thought) I would never able to find someone else like my previous fiance.So we started to date and got married 4 years ago. And when we got marry, I proposed to her thinking I would NEVER find somone like my past fiance, and thinking it was the right thing to do. Over the past 2 years, I have gotten to know this AMAZING person, she lives at British Columbi, and we met online. I have been travelling back and forth for the past year, and our relationship had grew. We both know that we like... love each other.She is REALLY REALLY AMAZING, WONDERFUL, KIND, UNDERSTANDING... and ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. And she has 2 AMAZING kids.Even though we love each other, we have been reamining strong. I want to be with her permanently, I am willing to drop everything, I am willing to move there and start all over again.But I don't know how to tell my wife. I care about her, and I love her... But I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HER... I haven't been in love with her before I met this AMAZING person from BC.What should I do? I am constantly thinking about the other person at BC. I am torn, I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't want to lose the BC girl, but on the other hand I don't know what should I do. I can not ask the BC girl to wait forever, cause that would be unfair to her... but I don't want to lose her. Please advise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): This is a difficult situation. You need to have an honest conversation with your wife. She deserves it. Also, I caution you into jumping into something new, without having the time to reflect on your failed (pending) marriage.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 First let me clear something up. The girl you were engaged to passed away, I can see where you took yourself out for a year. That must be a difficult transition, and takes a tole on you as a person.
For your own good, trust me with this, always treasure the memories you two shared with each other. Keep them your and no one else's, so stop trying to find a partner that's like her. You date and get married for the individual difference between you and them, not because they remind you of someone else. It's not fair to them that when you look at them you see the girl you were engaged to and not them as an individual.
It's heart breaking to hear about younger people passing. After reading this I think your still dealing with it and you may look into grief counseling or a grief peer group.
Truthfully how would you feel if you started dating someone you saw as an individual and it came out at some point that they were only with you because you reminded them of a friend who passed. It strips you of your identity because they are with you living out the identity of someone else.
I hope everything works out for you. I want you to really think about it. Do you really love her as an individual, or is it transfered feelings you have for the girl you were engaged too.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 in my opinion you have answered your own question. you can't expect this other girl to wait forever and your not in love with your wife anymore. don't string your wife along, although she'll be hurt, she will appreciate your honesty. you need to also think of yourself, there's no point carrying on a marriage for the sake of not wanting to hurt your wife because you'll begin to hate your wife for not being free to go after this girl.
do the right thing and tell your wife how you feel, you have coped with alot in the past, this won't be as tough and in the long term will benefit everyone.
good luck.
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