A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't seem to know what went wrong!I have posted here about my feelings for a certain Mr. X even when I am married. My marriage has always been good except for some problems with my In-Laws. My husband is a very nice person who takes care of me very well. Although there are a couple of problems which he needs to take care of there are no big issues that eat me up. OKay, I agree that I am irritated with him for not addressing them.Of late, we have been under tremendous stress. Tremedous conveys very less meaning considering the pain we have been undergoing. But then I began to like another guy who also plays a part in this situation. He has been really understanding and helpful and always did things for me when I needed him. I am so grareful to him for it. I used to, yes, used to text him and call him if I needed his counsel and he always made me understand and helped me out finding solutions. He always texted me back and returned my calls. He has told me that I could text him anytime I wanted and he would always reply. He would even call me when it was totally I who had to make that call, surprising me. He would be a different serious person in front of my husband and a soft spoken one in front me and sweeter one when alone. But he is not a flirt.The way he began to behave with me got me carried away. I did not miss affection from my husband. But our life was a drudgery, too mundane. And then I fell in love with him. I encouraged myself thinking a crush would be the best thing to negate my pain. And it did. I distracted myself by dressing up, wearing good clothes, eating good food and so on.Not that I knew, he did not have any feelings he was just being nice. He has always mirrored my facial expressions. Then I began to see him smiling a lot at me, his eyes dancing all over my face, a few times his gaze fell on my lips, beyond my neck... and everytime I disposed my thoughts thinking it was just infatuation. He can't help but smile at me however grave he is if I am happy and smiling!! Twice when we were talking I found him staring at my lips on and off. one day, I took all my guts to glance at his lips while he stood facing me but not looking at me. And he did the same as a reflex. I was shocked. So he paid attention to the slightest movemeet of my eye even when he was looking away.And then I I began to get confused. I began to really like him even when my marriage was OK and that I knew we would never get together.At the moment, I know I am totally in love with him. I had once texted him that he is very sweet for a reply of his. He did not reply to it and I did not mean anything sensual about it. But he seems to have withdrawn a bit without answering much to my texts. I don't chase him or send him too many texts. It was he who told me that I could take as much freedom as I chose to text him.To an extent, I feel he has led me on. Now, I am in love and he is not!What do you think he was doing? Do you think he is intimidated? Or has he got osme feelings for me too that keeps him on gaurd?
View related questions:
crush, fell in love, flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Dear poster,
It seems you are looking for someone who support ur romance novel. It is just a dream. I don't know what exactlly goes wrong with ur husband. He was the one u loved and married once. You should have prety good reason to love and marry him. You should also know that each and everyone of us have our own weaknesses. That is one of the reason why we get married. One will be the strength of the other weakness and make life more complete. He may be poor is home management then help him out instead of just pushing him to imrove. The only precondition to stay in a marrage is love, trust and good communication.
If you don't love him any more tell him straight and why. Your fantacy love for ur new guy is exagerating ur problem with ur husband. Make sure that u are not loosing feeling for your husband because of the new gay.
TRY TO MEND YOUR MARRIAGE, PUT YOUR ENERGY IN IT, GIVE IT SOME TIME. HAVE SERIOUS TALK WITH UR HUSBAND. IF THAT DOESN'T WORK THEN LEAVE HIM, GIVE IT TIME AND SPACE. IF STILL DOESN'T WORK THEN CONSIDER DIVORCE AND DATING A NEW ONE. BUT YOU ARE REVERSING THIS LOGICAL STEPS
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Oh my dear OP, instead of a seething attack on myself please look at your life. After all it is YOU who is betraying your marriage, it is you who is pushing boundaries and it is YOU who needs to start respecting her husband. Perhaps, just perhaps, I struck a nerve with my advice therefore you object so strongly.
Why not read what I have written and learn a lesson from my words.
I also think you need a lesson in learning to be humble.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl,
You were supposed to give "advic"e here which is now going off the limits.
And funny enough, how do you know who is good and bad and who is simple and sophisticated when you don't even know where I live?
So it's time you offer intelligent advice to people rather sterring the subject away from its track!! And if you don't know how to do that, stop answering such questions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Instead of bad mouthing the people in your culture perhaps you need to look at them differently, not with your nose in the air thinking u are better than them. You judge them so harshly , why? Bec they are good people, people with morals and personal convictions. People who value themselves not running around lusting after another man, while married. Perhaps u can learn a thing or two from these simple people with simplistic lives who have honesty, integrity and virtue. Who value marriage and it sacredness.
I think u have a lot of growing up to do.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi eveybody,
sincere thanks for giving me a bit of your precious time.
My husband and I: I have talked about my concerns in my marriage and my husband has promised and has been repeatedly promising taking action for the same for some time now. He has never been able to find time for it and to take care of the problems concerning our home. Otherwise there is not much dislike between us. I don't say I am any perfect though. But we are doing any great. He doesn not share the same interests as I do and I lack company.
That does not mean I wander out looking for male company. I have never done that.
Yes, after a while marriage loses its spark. Things become monotonous. But even when I have spelt it out my husband does not act out.
I was in love with my husband and he is a gem of a person. So even I feel horrible that I am not really in love with him anymore. May be it is just a passing phase. But he is very lazy and does not help me much on home management and a certain other things.
I agree that it sounds like a fantasy tale and yet I know it is not imaginary. I just described my feelings. And what is going on inside me is something I don't understand.
I have never felt him to be manipulating. We have never flirted or had ourselves in any shameful situation. I am not ashamed to say that I still love him the way he is. And the best thing is that he is not corrupt or bad. He is too good to have in real life.
Well, honestly, I don't care about the society irrespective of the country I live in. The people around us I have found are useless and cynical, and it is my life afterall. If I want to worry, I would only worry about my husband and my parents and not a soul more.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): You are being immature and you have made yourself vulnerable. This guy could be anyone.... I repeat... anyone... as long as he gave you attention.
Now think about that. Anyone can manipulate you into doing just about anything if they behave as if they find you desirable. Given that position... you are a puppet on a string for anyone to use and play with. You are lucky that you haven't met up with someone truly corrupt...
Consider what I have said here and take this is a red flag... a warning... that you will wind up in a very bad situation some time in the future unless you take serious inventory of your life and your emotions.
You cannot live as fodder... a plaything... Your life is more than that and should be led and crafted with great care, maturity, and integrity. Furthermore, you should have dated before marriage... and not entertain doing so while married.
Do not be so weak and vulnerable. Think about your honor as a woman and focus on becoming someone of extreme integrity... Grow.
...............................
A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (20 December 2010):
Yes, he might be intimidated to step forward on this spoony way. Or, he is that type of man who does not like the physical love, only the misty verbal love. Would it be possible to discuss this problem with your husband?
...............................
A
female
reader, OliviaAna  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 What do you expect? Mr. X gets it all for free. You are caught up in a fantasy romance where nothing will outcome but hurt emotions for all involved. I agree with the other poster who replied to this question. You sound like a romance novel lost in space. I'd really even wonder if this is a real situation or made up in your mind. Seek professional help as soon as possible.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jony  +, writes (20 December 2010):
my friend you are falling in love intentionally. I'm in thse same position as ur husband is. I feel my wife is in love or emotional relation with another man. She doesn't admit and I can't prove. She think he is just ' a friend'. But the way she handle her cell phone, the way she act is very different from what I know before.
The best scenario is to convince yourself that thsi new guy is not urs and focus on your husband. Talk to him. Give time and attention to ur husband.There must be something lost in ur husband that befor ur marriage u liked. Otherwise leave him alone. Don't play game with his trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): At least this man had the decency not to have an affair with a married woman. He deserves a medal.Your hb is doing everything for you, and u set out to have an affair. You need to end your daytime soapie crush and start forcing on your hb and Marriage.I note that u are from India, can u imagine the shame and humiliation u. Will endure if an affair is discovered. Do u want your in laws and hb to hate you. Do u want them to call You disgusting names. If you continue trying to get another mans attention u will be humiliated by your in laws. I have also heard that in your country the disgraced woman is banished back home, humiliated?? I do not know whether this is true but do u want to take a chance? Start getting your marriage on track and leave this other man alone. Stop chasing after him.LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I realize you're posting about this man you say you've fallen in love with, and as painful as it is not to those feelings reciprocated, the main issue must be that of your marriage.
You write 8 paragraphs totally surrounding this man, and in a very Mills and Boons way (romantic novels) he glanced at me this way, his eyes danced over my face etc, I actually thought I was reading a passage from a romantic novel. Now before you feel I'm being harsh, the point I want to make out of all this, you are so 'HOOKED' on the romantic side, the excitement, non-mundane side of a relationship ( an who doesn't like romance) that it has taken over from reality, and that reality is that YOU are married, and IF this marriage is not providing you with what you need, and I mean you have really given some thought to this, then you should discuss this with your husband and either work to resolve your issues, if you can't, then you know what the next would be.
Your marriage will never work whilst you have the 'love bug'causing you to feel elated - and although your feel your in-love, you're actually in-love with being in-love and all that goes with it, as you use the word 'mundane' about your marriage. You are so young (26-29) to be in a marriage that already seems full of issues. Why did you marry your husband, where you in-love with him, did he have these issues you talk of before you married him?
Marriage generally is not exciting, it is routine, it is mundane at times, it is a partnership to go through life together experiencing all the ups and downs together, paying the bills, bring children up, being there for one another, even when it gets tough. If you want all this high-octane romantic stuff, marriage is not going to be the answer, as it is NOT dating, where you get ready and put your make-up and heels on, plan dates, romantic dinners - it's about the stuff of real life, the everyday day things you want to do with that person as you love them for just the way they are.
I urge you to concentrate on your marriage, talk, talk, talk to your husband and decide between you if you have a future or not together. Let this guy go, let the idea of him go, as I think from your posting he knows both you and your husband, so I'm sorry, can you imagine how your husband would feel, especially as he appears to be fairly decent.
Turn it around, how would you feel if it was your husband feeling and acting like this with a female you both knew.
Jilly
...............................
|
