A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Possible drama ahead.. I am a happily married man with 3 young children and a loving wife. I am also deeply in love with another, younger, single woman. I'm approaching 40 and so I can understand that this may related to a mid-life crisis, but I truly, for the first time in my life am experiencing ups and downs I've never had to deal with before. For reasons related to my upbringing, I like to stay in control emotionally - even to the point of marrying someone who I function well with and is definitely the kind of good-mother-material my mum would approve of, but who is from a totally different background to me - which can be fine, and indeed was until I met a woman who I just wallow in the company of - she's funny, beautiful, sexy, doesn't take herself too seriously. To make matters worse, she connects as strongly to me as I do to her. I should point out that we have kissed on a few occasions, but have managed to not have sex, despite both of our instincts pushing us incredibly strongly in that direction. I realise the answer here should be to man up and cease contact, but it feels completely wrong to let someone I feel so strongly about slip through my fingers. It's terrible to say this I realise, but if it wasn't for the stronger feeling of not wanting to let my children down, I would jump ship. Some may think there are fundamental problems in my marriage that I just haven't worked out how to deal with and the urge to go with someone else stems from that. But my wife and I have regular sex, communicate effectively, run a tight ship at home, etc. All very efficient. But it's not love and I realise that now. I have no idea what to do - the feelings are so overwhelming that they feel outside of my control. I'm crying now, just considering the prospect of her ending up with someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): Look, I've read yours and all the posts and either you have people judging you morally (and religiously) or either you have people that are only thinking and not feeling. Leaving all the moral, social, 'pointing fingers', etc., criticisms aside, you are feeling something and that's important and needs consideration and be discussed/valued... People forget to be EMPATHIC, come on! here there is a man that is suffering, that is experiencing something totally new, something he thought he felt as one of the most important emotions in life, to realise there was more to that, that there were feelings he was not aware of and he is now experiencing them but mixed with suffering... he, at this point is 'feeling in love' (stronger than he ever felt), but that feeling in love is also causing him lots of pain and reading that it's simply sad, from an outsider point of view I'm sorry that you, the poster of this question, are experiencing this emotions together.But, of course, there is the doubt that this 'being in love' emotion you are experiencing is just infatuation, just something weak and that might end up leading to nothing... unfortunately nobody can tell (fortune telling) or tell you which way it is. Not even the bunch of people that think they know all and are allowed to judge others, as there is the possibility that every story we hear about has the potential to be different to what we, under our limited own personal views, know about all the other people in the world. Therefore, nobody can tell you exactly if what you feel is valid or not, is this name, love, or the other, infatuation... you should find that out on your own (but be careful of the tricks of the mind and the tricks of the heart - and the 'stories' we tell ourselves).The other important thing is that you are saying you are having therapy and you say go once every 3 weeks (which I find not enough, maybe you could go weekly as this emotions are very strong and you are full of questioning and doubt). And the other thing that calls my attention is that you said the therapist talks about where this might come from (formative years), if that means analysing your parents and means Psychoanalysis, well that therapy is usually long and not very efficient. So, you need something more helpful, a therapy once a week and that start helping you to organise your thoughts and feelings, guiding you through your options and what you feel about them, in a quicker and efficient way and more according with your urgent needs (cognitive, behavioural therapies are more effective and quick).Finally, be calm, organise your thoughts and most important of all do something about it. Do something about your emotions, living in suffering is not leaving (also making others suffer is not living either), don't plan to pass the next couple of years hiding all this, you will explode at some point... don't be a martyr. Also, your wife might need, deserve and expect to be loved, if not by you, by someone else, so considering opening up with her... but for that you need to be well equipped (and not a mess) and ready for the consequences. She might appreciate that you are opening up and sharing this just after a kiss and before sex and might appreciate that you are fighting your emotions and not continuing with that encounters due to your love/commitment to your family and kids, but maybe suspecting that you don't really love her might be devastated enough bringing chaos. And this is something that if you know her well you might imagine how she may react - again nobody here can be able to really tell you about it, you should guess it better than us (simple observers from a virtual page).Good luck married man!And for those of you ready to criticise, yes I'm a woman, yes I'm married, yes more for than 10 years and no, I'm not having an affair, but I'm open minded and know that life is not easy, things happen, shit happens and people need support, beyond judgment, when they are trying to reach out and are even crying their hearts out for help.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Ya know what I think we should do with this submittal?
I think we should forward it to Mark Sanford, in South Carolina, and get HIS advice!!! After all, HE is an EXPERT on matters such as this!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Dear married man,
Please disreguard my last comment. I have read through what you have actually wrote and you are miles ahead of Eddie85. You TOLD this woman you were married. That's one gold star for you. From the tone of your letter, it sounds like you think you cannot live without this other woman. Maybe that's true, and maybe it's not. What you NEED to do is tell your wife. Tell her your in love with another woman. See what she says. Who knows, maybe she's in love with anther man? Maybe the spark isn't there for her either. How would you feel about that? The downside to that is, there is probably only a 98.5% chance of that happening and your wife's feelings will be crushed beyond repair. So then you have a problem. But who cares? You're in love with this other woman, sounds to me you've already got one foot out the door with this marriage. Be a man and be real. Either forget about the younger woman and stay with your tried and true marriage, or bag it and see what happens with this other one. But the most imoportant thing is find the truth and stick with it. The truth shall set you free.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 May 2013):
Your submittal is a "classic".... as written by a man who KNOWS that he's considering to do something uber-stupid... and seeks, desperately, to validate that stupid something that he's comtemplating..... You won't get that (validation) from me... or, likely, from others of the Aunts and Uncles on here.....
Take a deep breath and decide just how far afield you want to go from what you OUGHT to do....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): You can stop any time. You really can. You know that destruction lies ahead if you let yourself be driven by these forces of 'love'. It's not love. Had you met her in a previous life-phase, maybe it could have developed into love. But it's just fascination and attraction at this point. Let her go. See it as a chance to learn. If you have that much self-loathing already, walking out on your kids is not going to improve that one bit. You need to pull away and work on your own happiness. Find other outlets and other people to talk to. Develop your interests. Travel. Meditate. Cut contact with her and don't waver. The longer it goes on, the worse the mental torture.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): Thank you for your answers - all good advice an largely based on direct experience by the sound of it. I realise my behaviour has been unacceptable. To clarify: she's 32. When we first met we hit it off straight away. I made my marital status clear from the outset. She also made it clear that she wouldn't sleep with a married man. We kept in contact and met at social occasions sporadically, but every successive time we talked we just fell completely, ridiculously in love. Believe me, it's taken over my mind, disrupted my sleep and made me a guilt-ridden emotional mess. I wish none of it had happened. At the moment i'm trying to move on in a shitting-down way but the emotions are strong. I'm having to act out the role of the good dad and husband but it's at complete odds with what's gong on inside. She wants to settle down and move on from me but is emotionally hooked and finding it hard too. I realise staying and seeing it through is the right thing to do for all the reasons you kindly outlined. I also realise i'm a scumbag for having let it get this far
maybe that's the ego-massage needs of an insecure middle aged man; i have a tendency to hate myself at the best of times so dwelling on how bad i've been might not be helpful in the short-term. I have to deal with the tidal wave of emotions crashing through my brain at the moment. I realise there are all kinds of reasons we might be attracted - but whatever is underlying it, we basically became addicted to each other - like a drug in human form. I see a therapist every 3 weeks - she listens patiently and offers insight into where this might stem from in terms of formative events in life. I liked my wife a lot when we first met but like i said before, i realise now that that wasn't anything close to the full biophysical uppercut of love. I'm worried that if i lose this battle i could do something silly, driven by complete irrationality. It's like seeing myself gong slowly crazy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): The younger woman is offering you the parts of yourself that you have repressed. So you feel more truly yourself, truly alive when with her.
This could be a great opportunity for personal growth.
See a counsellor to help find out about your unmet needs and unexpressed parts. You may well find that you are able to introduce these into your life WITHOUT need of an affair.
This woman is a mirror for what is lacking in your life. Now find out what these things are and create them for yourself.
It will make you and your marriage happier. Also, not wanting the woman you're attracted to to be with someone else is not love, it's possession. I suggest you let her go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): I have been the wife in a similar situation where my 43 year old husband jumped ship and left me and the kids for a 28 year old. What a shit situation that was and what a dick he was. It decimated our personal wealth and took 4 years to sort financially. Since then he has gone through 3 young women and has another child. Think really carefully before you go down the route of leaving as it will never be the same again and anything you have with your wife will be lost forever. She will be decimated and all for what - a bit of tottie on the side that inflates your ego and you have things to talk about. These relationships are exciting and fun when you go home to your own wife at night and your shirts are done and it is like having a little play in nice hotels etc but the fun soon fades when you are living in a flat and having to pay vast amounts of alimony out. Don't be so stupid or if you must do it make sure she is financially secure and don't be tight with money.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 May 2013):
 There is never an easy nor a good answer this to question and I truly do feel for you. It makes it harder for you because obviously you have a long-standing marriage as well as children to consider. It is also one you must answer for yourself... it would be unconscionable for anyone to say do X and not Y.
I will give you some food for thought though:
1) What happens if you leave your wife and things don't work out with your new love? There is no guarantee that you are going to go the distance, nor is there any guarantee that your children will accept her or vica versa... What if you go through with this and the relationship only lasts another month? What changes will this bring as a result to your marriage and even more importantly -- you?
2) Are you willing to risk your friends, your reputation, and your financial future? Divorce is never cheap and you could be on the hook for a lifetime of child support and alimony payments. Cheating would give her the impetus to go for all you've got.
3) Do you want to gamble with your children? Divorce is never easy and being a part-time dad or having another man involved in raising your children could be a death knell for you -- especially for someone who runs a tight ship. You will have no choice in who your wife seeks out to replace you...
4) Can you deal with the anguish and pain this will cause to your wife when she finds out? Trust me -- she will find out at some point.
There is always a price to be paid in all of our actions. The question is, can you truly afford it when the bill collector comes calling?
When you got married and agreed to raise a family with one woman you basically said in front of everyone that you promised to stand-by just one woman... You paid and price and you've got the loyalty of a woman in your corner and a family. There is something to be said about having a wonderful home and family.
Finally, you may want to consider seeing a therapist. I think having someone to talk to -- especially as you hit the proverbial 40-year-old mark will help your tremendously. Going over what is going on in your life can make a world of difference. You can bounce your worries, fears and concerns and see how things fit together in your life in a private setting.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): You have a loving wife & three young children to think about. I don't think you're mind should be on this "other woman" who doesn't seem to care that you're a married man.
There is a right and wrong to every situation, so do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): Wait wait wait, did you say you're married? And you KISSED this other woman? Does your wife know about this? I am sorry, but you have already destroyed the sanctity of your marriage by engaging in physical contact with this other woman even if you haven't "managed to not have sex". Are you sure you aren't lusting after this other woman because she is something new? How long have you been married? You say it's not love with your wife... but I don't think that is true. Think back to the time when you first met her. Did you feel the same way as you did back then with your wife as you do about this other woman right now? Do you honestly want to give up your marriage for someone younger than you who could possibly do the same to you? You need to ask yourself these questions before you decide on what to do. Is it worth it? Most people don't know what they have until it's gone. If anything, talk it out with your wife because there is no other way.If you up and leave, your wife might be left in the dark wondering if it was her fault, and if you don't leave and carry on with her when you're not happy then your wife and kids will suffer.Think about it, talk to your wife, go see a therapist, talk it out with the other woman. Honestly, in my opinion, I don't think you deserve your wife because you cheated. But that is because I know the feeling of being cheated on; it's very painful and you've just inflicted that pain onto her. Stop being selfish please.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): I've been in this situation and it will hurt no matter which way you turn. Cut off all connections before it goes too far or jump your ship and be open and honest. Trust me... Your self esteem will thank you for it.
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