A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:As the title suggests, I am insanely attracted to my neighbour. I am married with a 5 year old; he's married as well with a baby. He works in my husband's office but in a different department. Nothing's happened yet. I have to give a bit of background. I am highly educated with an advanced degree but have chosen to not work to care for our only child. I have had a wonderful life pre marriage. I have always had a lot of male attention and loved every bit of it. I travelled extensively. I led a dream life which has completely changed now.My husband is a good man but slightly boring. He's a wonderful father. We live in a small town because of his work. He makes good money, is attentive and we have regular sex. I have to admit that I am more sexual than him. Marriage was like a sudden grinding halt to my life of adventure. I tried very hard to "settle down" but I guess old habits die hard. That being said, my daughter is my top priority in life and I have tried on giving her what I feel is the best upbringing. However, I am not cut out for this life. I am always the mom, cooking, cleaning, feeding my child. Now to the neighbour.He is absolutely not my "type" in terms of looks and my husband is objectively far better looking. I don't know anything much about him or his family because they seem to be very secretive. However, my attraction towards him his crazy. I desperately crave for his attention and I think he knows that I like him and is now starting to be extra nice to me. We live next door in an apartment complex.I don't know what I want. Certainly not an affair because that would ruin everything that I have. I guess I want him to make me feel wanted. There is no thrill of the chase with my husband. He's always willing to have sex whenever I need it and eager to please me but everything is very predictable. The funny thing in all this is, my husband knows that I have the hots for this guy and jokes about it. He laughs it off but when we're in bed, he says he imagines me making love to the neighbour guy and it really turns him on. Needless to say it turns me on too. Beyond the bedroom, my husband doesn't consider him to be a "threat".I don't know what I'm asking for. I guess I just need you guys to knock some sense into my head.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): Thank you all for your answers. I'm the OP.
All your answers, each one of them, resonated with me. Sometimes it's not easy to hear something harsh but that's what is needed the most. Code warrior, you are absolutely right when you say that I need constant excitement in my life. That men are a challenge for me to conquer. I never realised the latter till you pointed it out. It also led me to look at my past relationships before marriage and I realised a pattern. I had hinted to most of those men that I was interested in them and they fell for me hook line and sinker. I would lose interest soon after and then completely detach myself from them, avoid them and blame them for not letting go of me. Normally it's been very easy for my to "get" men but this neighbour seems to be different and that's why I was intrigued. I don't know what I want from him. Yes I am extremely selfish to say that I stand to lose everything. As someone pointed out, I know nothing about him and as someone else said, he's not particularly exciting or special in any way. He's not the kind of person anyone would look at a second time, to be honest.
I guess this is my way of injecting some excitement in my otherwise very mundane life. I'm not a baby person. I don't even know if I'm a marriage person. I got married because I knew I'd never find anyone like my husband. I didn't think I could get pregnant as soon as I did because I have a family history of infertility. I was absolutely shocked and shattered when I realised I was pregnant. Yes shattered. I knew my life would change forever and it has. The burden of child rearing has fallen disproportionately on me and I'm pretty sure it happens with all mothers. My daughter is not an easy child to deal with and is very demanding. Covid hit even before she could start school so the few hours of peace and quiet that I was looking forward to are now not to be. I am so sick of this life sometimes... Even though I love my daughter to death, it's not easy for me to be a mom. I struggle with the role internally.
The neighbour is an escape. The initial days after marriage were hell because my husband's mother hated me and did everything she could to hurt me... And I have to admit I took it pretty badly. My husband, though a good person, is spineless. I was furious at him for not standing up for me the way I expected him to.
The neighbour came into the scene and changed so many things for me. I started feeling good about myself. Exercising. Making an effort to dress well. Everything I had stopped doing because I had no motivation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2020): I dont think this is because you are idle or needing a job. There is to me, something fundamental not " sparking" within your marriage and whether it was the guy next door, it could also be a male.collegue if you were working . Must people look back on their wedding day with relish and little nostalgia. I find your post rather lacking of either, which is little disturbing when you put the fact your craving excitement elsewhere .
My advice would be to seek couples counselling and also for you to look deep within yourself and ask is this marriage the right fit for you ?? If your bored with your husband and restless, unhappy where you live, bored with pattern of life, not satisfied with the sex, then trouble will brew. Whether you think it or not, this will have a profound effect on your child at some poin.
You say I'm always the mom, feeding, cleaning etc and that isn't going to change any.. You are the mom . You do sound a little resentful here and I dont mean to be harsh to you . But I feel it is because you are so unfulfilled in your marriage and life . There will come a time when everything will explode either due to unfaithfulness or just due to your wants and desires in life .
So before ending I will say .. you too need to be happy . You too need to be feeling you are living your best life . We get one spin ( unless otherwise we find out ) but you need to also be honest as what your thinking and feeling is not fair on your husband .
Speak with someone even on your own and get your head straight .
Hugs and chin up .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2020): The neighbour is just a fantasy. Fantasies are best left to the imagination. Because they can never be sustainable in real life. You see him as who you want him to be, not the real man that he is. You don't know him. You're projecting your thoughts of what you want him to be onto him. That makes him more appealing. In your own mind, this guy is rescuing you from your mundane life. He's a character you've scripted in your own romance novel. In contrast, your husband is the same old. Predictible. Well, this guy would eventually become same old and predictible too. And unlike your husband, he may not even be compatible with you long term or stick around after he'd satisy a sexual curiosity. It's not worth losing the man you are building a future with. In end end, once it passes, and it will if you stop acting like a helpless school girl, you will laugh at yourself and wonder what the heck you ever saw in him.
Right now, you need to keep busy. Find a job or projects to do. You are choosing to feed this fantasy. You can also choose to stop it. This guy will probably have a lot of irritating habits in real life. You just haven't seen his flaws yet. Everybody in long term relationships reach that comfort stage where they see the faults of their partners. It's unfair to compare that to someone new who has not stood the test of time. New seems exciting. But once the fairy dust wears off they, too, will be a mere mortal. Not some hero.
I think if you keep at it, you are going to risk losing your marriage. People these days always think the grass is greener. But it isn't. It's just a facade. He probably has a mundane marriage just like you. All marriages become mundane after awhile. But you have to work at keeping the passion and connection alive. Relationships are work. If you are in danger of bailing at every guy who turns your head then I think you might need to talk to a therapist. You do seem to have issues going on. So? You're attractive. I am too. I get my fair share of male attention too. But I am confident enough in myself not to need it or use it to define my value or self worth as a woman. Chasing male attention is something teenagers do. So what if a man finds you attractive. Yes it's a nice ego boost. But take the compliment and let it go. If you love your husband you will take all this energy and direct it to your marriage.
What I suggest is you leave your child with a baby sitter and go away for a weekend with your husband. And do it regularly.
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A
male
reader, Basswoodd  +, writes (11 November 2020):
 I strongly believe that the reason for this feeling is that you are idle. There's this saying that" an idle mind is the devil's workshop." So get a job and you won't be having this feeling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): I have very few words for this post.
You've expounded on how great and wonderful your life is.
I guess you're about to piss it all away!
Maybe it's time to get yourself a job, a hobby, or start a home-based business to keep your mind busy.
If you're so highly educated, intellectual, and such; you'd have some clue about fidelity, the purpose of of your wedding vows, self-control, and how to tame your impulses.
Oh, here's a novel-idea! File for a divorce, turnover full-custody of your child to her father, and restart your exciting life of adventure! Maybe just write a novel, since you're really here to brag and/or show-off your writing-abilities. The writing is impressive, by the way. Just not convincing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): The most important job in the world is bringing children up into it, the biggest adventure is, the paths we help guide our children on to, the future generations that will either make or break the planet. Boring! well in some ways, yes, but the bigger picture is far greater than you can imagine, as highly educated as you are. You know you are just bored and know the pitfalls of your daydreaming fantasies, sounds like hubby would be happy to participate because he obviously needs some other stimulation. When we have children life should not stop and adventures can still be had inclusive of children and chosen life partners.If you don't work this out, one of you will no doubt, have an affair at some point in your marriage. Your looking for excitement, thrills, sex can bring this for a certain amount of time but when the fruit of the tree has gone, you are left again pretty empty. Try and remember who you chose to marry and why you chose him, remember that you are still able to do many more things together as a family than you think, travel! you say you are well-travelled, (a dream life)you say, but HOW did you travel? did you have an aim and simply arrive at the destination? I always believe that how we journey to get to the destination is the adventure before we even arrive (campervan life and nature) stunning places on route, off route, one night or ten nights, freedom!wild camping, caves, waves, woodland, mountains, sunflower fields, meeting other people, meals cooked on an open fire (simplicity) no need for 1st class.You know why you are probably attracted to your neighbour and know there is a good chance he may be feeling like breaking free for a little while, maybe his wife also feels like you and your husband, it's human nature to feel bored sometimes. Switch the TV off (if you don't already) look at the bigger picture, change your perspective and open your eyes to different adventures and the one you can involve YOUR family in. Get an old boat, both of you transform it, make it a good project, plan home education for a while, Nature, plant life, sea life, healing herbs, healing arts, it's not all just about STEM learn to sail, navigate around the world as a family....heaps of INCLUSIVE adventures to be had. Or be truthful to yourself and husband and file for divorce and both find Compatability elsewhere, it's a no brainer really.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 November 2020):
 As smart as you seem to be, you should know that you can't always have what you want and that ACTIONS have consequences.
So what that you are attracted? Or bored in your marriage? Or that you USED to live a different life?
NONE of those statements GIVES you the right to cheat.
You also say:" I don't know what I want. Certainly not an affair because that would ruin everything that I have."
Never have I heard a more SELFABSORBED statement!
So your marriage, it's ALL about you?
How about IF you act on this you will ruin 2! families? No, that didn't enter in your your oh so smart head?
Your husband might be joking about this.... But eventually he won't find it so funny that you have a need to put your own EGO before your family, that you seem to think emasculating your husband is OK. He will start to pull away. You will blame him for the break down in the marriage, but you ACTUALLY started it with these "fantasies".
Grow up. Sorry to say, you sound juvenile.
As soon as your kid can start school get back to work. Obviously, being a stay at home parent is NOT for you (and THAT is OK!) It sounds like you are starved for ADULT interaction (and no, I don't mean sex! Or men ogling you - I mean working and having conversations with other adults) Feeling like you DO something useful (not that raising a kid or kids isn't useful, it IS - you will probably see that in a few years down the line JUST how good it was for your daughter to have her mom around those VITAL first few years. But for some men AND women, it's not as fulfilling, especially once the kids start school.)
Having a "fun" fantasy is OK. But I think you NEED to refrain from adding people like your neighbor or friends as FODDER for your sexual fantasies. It's a little creepy.
I also think you need to figure out what you need from your husband that you aren't getting. HE ISN'T a mind-reader so he can't guess that on his own. Having ADULT conversations about your needs and wants (and his too) should be an ongoing thing in a marriage. So you BOTH can help fulfill each other's needs.
Gave some DATE nights with the hubby. When the "ye olde plague" is over, go away for a weekend together. Make HIM the "object of your desire". Not some random stranger or neighbor.
And remember, ACTIONS have consequences. What you CHOOSE to do affect MORE than just you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): It is time for you to go back to work.All this really is bordom.You need to work.Staying at home with the kid is not for everyone.Get a job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): Being well educated is one thing, being intelligent, mature and able to make good decisions and having common sense is quite different.I am glad that you love your baby and are a great mom but was it the right decision for you or are you wanting a different life? Your neighbour - who does not sound very well educated, exciting or special just happens to be nearby. Lots of housewives and stay at home moms crave any man who is nearby and within gazing distance even if they are rubbish.Just as a desperately thirsty person longs for a glass of water you long for another man and excitement and focus on any man who is sort of available - even if that man would be totally wrong for you if you were alone and single.You are having wet dreams while awake. Intelligence would tell you to leave it at that but you keep thinking about them and feeding those silly dreams and even telling your husband - who sounds like a frustrated cuckold.The pair of you are not really happy and just treading water. Do you continue to tread water or change things - if you do you regret it later. A kid of ten could work that out.
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