A
female
age
30-35,
*roofroo22
writes:Please don't make fun of me on this post because I'm not looking for smart comments like "Well you lost interest, so why do you care?There is this guy i was having a casual sexual relationship with for 3 years. All was great, except he wouldn't treat me very well. He would sometimes ignore my texts or reply whenever it was convenient for him and it made me feel like, although I'm not his girlfriend, that there is a level of respect you give people just to be decent like getting back to them t an appropriate time frame and not ignoring them. You don't have to be someone's life partner in order for them to just be polite and not ignore you. I felt like he didn't really care much about being courteous about my time. I think maybe once I address his habits of not respecting my time in the past. I've even address his lack of enthusiasm and the lack of effort he puts into initiating meet ups and how he flakes on plans very often. He never changed. His home was being constructed, so we hadn't met up for 5 months. He reached out to me the other day and I told him that I lost interest.He didn't even ask why.He just said "I understand."I then told him my reason (basically what I wrote above). He apologized for it and then just ended it with "I enjoyed our conversations more than anything. Have a good night"He didn't even try to make it work, didn't say "I'll be better" or anything. I didn't actually want to lose him, I just wanted him to know why I lost interest. Now he's gone and I don't think he'll come back. I didn't want to lose him, I just wanted him to improve. Maybe I shouldn't have said I wasn;'t interested but rather told him that these things were bothering me. How can I salvage this?
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female
reader, froofroo22 +, writes (9 October 2019):
froofroo22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much everyone for your advice. I greatly appreciate it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): He showed you time and time again that he was really just not that into you. He only wanted what suited him. And you wanted it to be different. But you can't make someone care about you. If they care about you they will show you that. If they don't, they will show you that.
He has never been a good match for you, and so you're really sad about what you wanted him to be, not what he actually was. Feel sad for a while and next time pay attention to what people's actions say. When somone really likes you, you won't have to play games to get their attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): I don't always agree with Wiseowl but I think he has summed up this man most accurately. As you are getting older do you not want more than to just be a booty call? Another poster was right why do you allow yourself to be treated this way? Work on your self esteem and confidence, you are selling yourself way short sweetheart x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): I think this has been left with at least some of your dignity intact. Dont lower yourself now to contacting him and retracting. I'm not sure what you think this thing with him was but for him it was casual sex. You might have enjoyed that with him but it was never going to last forever.
As someone who did casual sex when I was younger, yes it can be fun, fleetingly, but it leaves you with nothing other than feeling used and in your case how you feel.
I'm now in a deep committed relationship and guess what you get to have a man who wants the same! Leave this man behind, keep your dignity and look for better for yourself
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): He made it unequivocally clear that he is not your boyfriend; and he doesn't want you to misconstrue your connection as anything other than friends with benefits. He gave you an insincere-apology, just to keep you on the hook.
He really doesn't care if you go or stay. He's calling your bluff! It's all about sex, nothing more than that!
He realizes your offense and scorn doesn't come from a place demanding his respect; it's an indication you feel neglected as his random-lover and self-appointed-unofficial girlfriend. In order to put you in your place, he gave you a "nice-nasty" chiding response. He doesn't respect you, and he isn't romantically-attached to you. He will respond to your calls and messages at his own convenience. Thus, you feel used!
Aren't you really more upset with yourself, than you are with him?
He takes the dominant-role in the sexual-bondage you insist on remaining in with this joker. He calls the shots, and will get back to you when he's good and ready; and he won't jump when you say jump! He increases your cravings by avoiding you, and weakens your spirit until you submit. You'll rejoice when he finally calls! You'll bark, but he'll play it off. Bark too much, and he'll go silent on you again! It's a cyclic repetitive-exchange. He has the advantage.
If you want respect, don't give your body and heart to guys who use you; and won't take you seriously. Guys will treat you like just another set of boobs, a vagina, booty, and a pair of legs! They'll break your heart, and your spirit!
Hard-heads make bruised-asses! You may rebuke or ignore my tough-love advice; but I just want to make you think. You deserve the respect, but you're seeking it from the wrong-guy!
He's a player, and he knows you're stuck on him. He can tell just by your emotional-reaction; that you're being indirect about what really bothers you. That is, when he ignores you! You resent the fact he's done with you after sex. In such arrangements as you have with this guy, you willingly lend yourself to being disrespected and mistreated. He flakes on dates, and ghosts you when you get too needy!
You don't want to let-go. You think you can tongue-lash him into behaving like a good-boy! That's an act of futility! I know you don't want to hear it put that bluntly; but your heart is on the line!!! You need straightforward firm answers to make you think; not just react emotionally. He's reading you like a first-grade reader; and you're confirming exactly what he thinks of you!
He fits the profile of a lowlife player, and knows how to manipulate women. You suspect he's probably seeing someone when he's unavailable or inaccessible. You go nuts when he gives you the silent-treatment and the brushoff. You didn't breakup, there was no relationship to break! You just gave him breathing-room; until you plead for him to comeback. Then the cycle continues!
Don't demand his respect. Respect yourself, and move on!
Go find yourself a real romance; and insist on getting respect from someone who cares!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2019): I'm just some dude here reading this. Years ago I got hurt by someone and I came here for advice and I appreciated it very much.You came here because you are hurt and searching for an answer that may easy the pain a little..I feel you. Look men often times see things in black and white or in this case "sex no sex". In today's world of easy online hookups, tinder and all the other bs, decent looking males have more options than ever. I am more than positive you are one of millions of attractive, nice, level headed girls that get the same thing done to them day in and day out because of the proliferation of sex options.You don't deserve this piece of crap at all. Get on on a quality dating site that makes you take time to craft a profile, ask family and friends if they know of any single males or join some club/hobby that you love and hope to find someone out in the wild with similar interests.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2019): Your problem is that you are OK with someone mistreating you.F-buddies can still treat each other with respect. So, it's not a problem that you had a f-buddy, the problem is that you were ok with him ignoring and using you.WHY?Why did you prolong this after the first time he wasn't nice to you?Now, the second question (why did you try to make this into something that it was not - a relationship?) is connected to the first one. You obviously have a tendency to see things how you want them to be, not how they really are.Unless you change your way of thinking, this guy can be only one link in a chain of men who will mistreat you.You need to understand why you accepted his behavior so that you will know what is wrong, what your fears are.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 September 2019):
You could try to call him and talk about it with him... Seems easy enough.
That being said he clearly isn't on the same page as you are so you're better off now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2019):
 You can't salvage something that never really was more than a casual f-buddy situation. Sure he also enjoyed your conversations, but that really means squat in the bigger picture.
WHY have you settled for a casual thing for 3 years? It seems a little obvious that you wanted more. And you wanted to be treated with respect and care - which comes with the "territory" of a relationship but a casual one? Not really. You have been HIS booty call for 3 years, isn't it time for you to find your pride and maybe consider that you are WORTH more?
He didn't try and stop you because he has other options for casual sex and he didn't care for you all that deeply. After all, he didn't exactly treat you or your time like it mattered, because it DIDN'T to him.
YOU want him to change. It's not going to happen. "You can't make Fetch happen, Gretchen..." sorry. And you can't make this guy GIVE a shit about what YOU want.
You haven't met up in 5 months. He's found someone to fill the casual gap - because even with construction on his house, he has had time to meet up IF HE really wanted to. It just wasn't a priority to him.
This sentence makes ABSOLUTELY no sense. You write:
" All was great, except he wouldn't treat me very well."
How is that GREAT? OK, maybe the sex was great but really being a guys booty call or walking blow up doll is not exactly great, is it?
I think YOU need to rethink what you REALLY want. Do you want a PARTNER? A BF or just a f-buddy?
If you want a partner/BF then he isn't it, you need to see what else (or who else) is out there and then DO NOT settle for casual if that is NOT what you what.
If you JUST want a F-buddy then you get treated like one. Which is what he did. He didn't HAVE to consider you AT ALL, if you were up for sex, great, if not.. no big loss.
My advice? Stop "selling" yourself short and STOP settling .
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 September 2019):
 Why should he make an effort?
You’re having sex with each other, that’s it. This isn’t a relationship, this is two people having a sexual, non-commital agreement so I don’t get what you’re trying to get at here. He owes you nothing, likewise you owe him nothing, so you can’t really have a go at him for showing no interest, he has no reason to besides meeting up for sex.
Why are you even TRYING to salvage this? What’s the actual point? IF you wanted sex only you wouldn’t have let this scenario bother you so I’m gonna hazard a guess as you want something more serious out of this and he’s not on the same page as you are.
Want better for yourself, find someone who wants to be with you instead of someone who only messages you for sex.
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