A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I went to a reunion and as soon as I stood in front of my old flame I knew. I hadn't thought of him in 40 years. I'm happily married and live a plush life. He never married. Even though we live inDifferent states we've been together twiceAnd I've fallen in love with him. I love him but also love my husband... just so Different. ... we have a Picture perfect marriage and adult children.. This old flame is so intimate ..Something I've never had. Hopelessly in love ... help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (6 March 2018):
 There are pros and cons to everything, but there are very few genuine situations when it's best not to own up to having an affair. Your husband deserves to know what you've done, so he can choose whether or not to stay with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndie
I do not pretend I've done nothing wrong
There are various ways to be done with an affair..
Counseling won't be based on whether they recommend
Disclosure or not ... that is my decision.
Counseling is therapeutic for insightful feedback etc/encouragement .There are pro and cons to disclosure as sited by professionals.
Ty
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 March 2018):
OP, does he deserve this? No.
Do you deserve to pretend you've done nothing wrong? No.
Should you own up? Absolutely.
Do not choose a therapist who will tell you to keep it a secret, or there's little point going.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndie
Ty for your response. I have spoken
And texted therapist for on line counseling.
So that potentially is a possibility I might pursue.
I have spoken with a U.K. Church pastor...
So I am leaning toward counseling. But
As for now I don't see the benefit of telling my husband ..
I know the advice on various advice and counseling
Sites usually favors disclosure but not all.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 March 2018):
OP, see a therapist. You are not weak, just selfish. You need someone, in real life, who can lean on you to take responsibility for your affair and not allow you to keep excusing it.
Your husband deserves to know he's been cheated on, especially if you continue seeing or talking to this other man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt Honestyabsolutely heartbroken .I would not want to see him hurt .I know why you're thinking ... I would think the same before All of this.. I don't know that I would ever tell him. I think he had an affair years/ decades ago.. not for certain.Not that my current situation is because of thatSuspicion. It's not. I didn't go looking. The past two weeks I'veDone a lot of thinking etc. I do want toBe the wife I need to be...ty for your wise words And encouragement to makeThe right decisions. We've been through a lot together 40 years... t
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 February 2018):
Just for one minute, OP, put him first. God forbid something happens to him - do you really want it on your conscience that, instead of being with someone who loved him and was faithful to him, YOU forced him to stay with a cheater because you were too selfish to tell him?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 February 2018):
 How would you feel if your husband found out and left you?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 February 2018):
OP, hope isn't good enough. Let your husband GO. You CAN make the right decision. You're CHOOSING not to. You're RUINING your husband's life and WASTING it, when he should be with someone who LOVES him and won't cheat.
You are old enough. You are not stupid. You are not unable to control your actions. SAY IT. "I AM CHEATING ON YOU" or at least "WE NEED TO DIVORCE". Do NOT be this selfish.
Seriously! WOMAN UP. Tell your husband. You have NO right to do this. He DESERVES to know. He TRUSTS you. JUST TELL HIM! Don't chicken out. PRIORITISE HIM FOR ONCE. Just blurt it out, if you have to.
You KNOW it's wrong. You KNOW you're being INCREDIBLY selfish. Why? Lost love? FINE, but do NOT cheat on your husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionResponse to Andies ThoughtsJust some thoughts and response. You're so right... I'm selfish etc I should care About my husband ENOUGH to do the right thing.I do love him ... as hard as that might be to believe..But . obviously not enough. I was happy in my marriage and still am ... the grass is not greener on the other side The other man has no money....Don't know if you have ever read Dr NANCY Kalish Articles on Lost Loves ....it explains but doesn't excuse My behavior. I know my husband is a good man... extremely successful He tells me he loves me a lot etc . He doesn't need people; has few real friends ...We just Never really connected... he has never been my soul Mate...after 40 years not sure it will ever happen... especially after what I've Done. I have no excuses ... Except to blame myself. I hope in time I'll make the right decision.Right now I don't want to .. the other man fills a void. Even if I Never see him Again and we just talk... text etc. Anyway ty for your response and words of wisdom I do appreciate them.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 February 2018):
What's for the best is not being so selfish and cruel. You're not concerned with your husband's feelings. Act your age and be a DECENT PERSON. Cheating is NOT okay. You CAN let him go. You CHOOSE not to because you just don't care about or truly love your husband.
For once, do the right thing and own up. Let your husband decide if he wants to be with a cheater or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFast forward ... it's been almost 17 months into the
Relationship. We meet three times ..spending
Time together waking dinning being outdoors
Etc ... We do not text everyday; in fact we
go for weeks sometimes without contact.
He is still the one I connect with ... we are so close
Like best friends and lovers. He gets me. We keep
Our distance because we know it's for the best
But we see each other about twice a year.
I know it's wrong ... I can't let him go.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 June 2017):
Stop cheating on your husband, you have to much to loose.
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A
female
reader, liveasyoudream  +, writes (16 June 2017):
Dear OP,
Sorry to hear about your situation - it must be hard!
Would you consider telling your husbank, talking to him about it, and working on it? Maybe going into therapy together?
It will be hard, for both of you. He will be seeing you going through heartbreak; you'll have to choose to work on your marriage. And more.
It might bring you closer together, since it'll need attention, openness, vulnerability and love. And it might split you up.
But if you will have followed your emotions, and have stayed true to each other, either one of those outcomes might be the best?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): Your marriage is OVER.Do your husband a favour and leave him.It's better than blasting his heart into millions of pieces due to your selfishness, lack of caring and lack of empathy and compassion for him.You sound like a greedy little kid that has a shiny new toy and wants to play with it without giving up your existing toy collection. No! It does not work that way.Think you can pull it all off and keep your house of cards from crashing down? You are not the first married cheater to think this way. Nor the last. But I caution you that you won't be able to keep up the charade for long. Eventually your husband is going to find out. Or if you are human, you will be consumed by guilt and regret. And I would hate to be in your shoes when you are found out.Too many cheaters are so consumed about instant gratification that they fail to see the damage they are causing. They fail to see the big picture and what they stand to lose. They fail to see the destruction which is looming down the road in favour of the glossed over, temporary delusion of bliss. Ask yourself this. Would you be OKAY with your actions resulting in the loss of your husband and your marriage of 40 years being thrown away? Would you be okay with your husband f^^king another woman? How would that make you feel? Put yourself in his shoes. If you would not want to feel this kind of pain, then why would you inflict it on this man? The man who has loved you for 40 years?Because I guarantee you this new guy won't have any staying power. He is going to be a little fun, a little strange, a little nostalgia. And then, he will be gone. Trust me. He does not love you. He is just looking for a ride. To indulge in a little fantasy, just like you. There is no future here. Hope you don't fall harder for him because I highly doubt he is worthy of replacing your faithful, loyal husband of 40 years who has been by your side through the good and bad, your best and your worst. Is this how you repay his loyalty and devotion to you for all these years? I mean, what guy sticks with a woman THAT long? Nowadays? NONE!!! It's a rare thing to find a good guy in this day and age, OP! And you are just throwing him away. Shameful and stupid, if you ask me. You want to go and play your little games? Who can stop you?Just realize in the end you are going to end up miserable and all alone and your issues are going to be worse than they ever have been. Be prepared for rock bottom.You know what they say? Don't toss away a diamond for stones.Been there, done that.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2017):
You can't keep both, OP. You must cut contact with the old flame if you intend on keeping your husband. Get therapy together to work on your issues, but don't pretend they don't exist or continue seeing someone else.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 you get to see the best side ot this man and he sees the best side in you. You don't seem to want to throw what you have got in the air. To just to live what was a romance you lived in some 40 years before. It was good at the time but you have other things built into your life since then that were not there back then , leave the past in the past
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2017):
It's ironic because he's old (as in someone you used to know), but he's new, that's why you're infatuated. He's not real; he's a fantasy. This isn't love.
Don't cheat on your husband and family. They deserve better.
Seek couples' counselling with your husband and cut off the old flame.
Nothing good will come of an affair. The passion is only there because he's new and you've let it die down in your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno he has not dated married
Women ...I know what you're saying is what I
Should do... I don't want to jeapordize my marriage
But I have chosen to with the choices I've made.
My husband would be so hurt..he does not know.
I have no intention of leaving ...
I can't seem to stop loving this other man
... never in a million years did I ever think
I would do this...ty so much for your
Response and your wise words.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (12 June 2017):
Divorce your husband. You have been married 40 years you will be able to rake him over the coals. Depending on wear you live you may be entitled to lifetime alimony. Heck you'll probably get the house you live in then you can move lover boy in. You and he will be able to live the plush life you've become accustomed to on your poor clueless husband's dime.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (12 June 2017):
Treasure your good husband and family and the many wonderful years you all had and have together.Sometimes Hills are greener far away.On no attempt put your marraige at risk.As you stated he is your ex-boyfriend from the past.So leave him in the past.Question i think you should ask yourself is .Why in the past all those years did he not ask you to marry him ? Interesting to note he is still not married...perhaps he is not the marrying type.But he has no problem in meeting a married woman[you].Are you the first married woman he has met or has met many married women.There are many kind of love,all special in their own way.But the love your husband has for you has stood the test of time.Leave this man in the past.After all he did not contact you in 40 years and as you stated you had not thought of him for 40 years....so that is a very telling point.Do not make any rash decision....think..think and then enjoy your husband ,family and your plush life. Kind regards NORA B.
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A
male
reader, judgedick +, writes (12 June 2017):
can't compare a husband that has being with you through the good and bad stuff life has given you over the last how many years. He see you every day. You and he have stopped making that extra effort in every day life. To a guy that you are like a new play toy , you do not see the day to day stuff in his life , step away from him before it is to late , cut off contact and start making that extra effort for hubby you will soon see the same love from him as you get from this other guy , give yourself a makeover , different style dress,make a few changes in this way and you will see you husband see the difference. When your husband is expected home from work or has a few days off do you drag on you baggy jeans that feel good, or do you ever try to dress up just to pleas yourself? bet when you are making plans to go meet the other guy you put on all the sexy stuff. He gets just the best side of you and you get his best side
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