A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in an extremely happy and stable marriage. A few months ago, my husband out-of-the-blue suggested that since he had experienced many women before we started dating and that he was my one and only, that I should be able to now sleep with other guys. I've always been a flirt and have fooled around with several guys, but never all the way, just kissing and touching.After months of now-and-then conversations with my husband about opening up our relationship, I finally decided to write some men on craigslist. I met this man, we emailed, met and ended up having sex just a few days ago. I haven't told my husband because I just don't think it's a good idea. But I also don't really feel guilty about the whole thing. What I am feeling is an enormous amount of passion and lust for this other man, who is married. But I also feel like my marriage is better than ever. What I'm afraid of is what's going to happen next? And should I really let this go on? Will this affect my career, my kids, my life as a whole?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 April 2008):
 We tend to do what is important to us, but going beyond that, I have a simple way of being that I try to pass on to my children as well. "It's okay to live, and be happy, but it's never okay knowingly do something that may have the possability of negatively affecting another."
I personally enjoy life, but I won't do something that I know could cause someone else pain (mentally or physically).
The problem with what you said is "try hard not to let it affect." That means you acknowledge the possability of. I know with my kids the "possability of" I choose has to meet a very specific area. It must provide equal or greater benefit to them, than it does to me.
Just remember this, if at some point your husband decides he's not into you playing this little game. Courts now judge moral fitness above all else in deciding who's best suited in raising the children. All that, not from what's important, but from placing personal desire above morality.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All. Thanks for your responses. This isn't the first time I've cheated. The first time it happened guilt overwhelmed me and I told him (this before we were married). That was the biggest mistake I have ever made.
So this time around, even though he says it's open game, I'm definitely not going to tell him.
I have decided to keep this other relationship going, will try very hard not to let it affect my family life in any way, and he feels the same. Before we entered this affair both he and I agreed that "love" would never enter this relationship. We both have found friendship and we enjoy the sex we have. Neither of us feel anything beyond that. I now believe that it's totally possible for two adults to find pleasure in each other without falling in love.
And although I've always thought that I was a very moral person, I guess this experience has opened my eyes to the fuzziness of morality. I guess it's true that we all do what we find to be important to us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): i have made my wife sleep with other men, it really was a good thing for me. my wife says that she can feel his and my sperm fighting in her, men need to compete for her womb. try it he will love you for it and you will feel like a queen that men fight for you
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): I first of all want to say I really don't think it's ever a good idea that you OPEN up your relationship, specially if your married. Hello that's one reason you get married is so you become one, not one with another on the side. It will only cause problems and maybe even ruin your marriage. I personaly think that your husband may in his mind thought it as a fantacy or than anything. I really don't see him being happy about you doing what you did with another man. This is a problem with Americans these days. Almost no one has class and morals. It's all about sex and the appeal of it. I personally had an experience where I went out on my husband just this once, used a condom and it slipped off during sex. I found out I was preg. with this other mans baby on my birthday and not even 2 months late on him husbands birthday I had a miscarriage. I never told him I was preg. and never told him I cheated. It KILLS me everyday... It you really charish your marriage and what you have as a family I would stop. This other man is JUST another man. And he's married. Never ever believe a man if he says that if you leave your spouse for him that he will leave his. Honwy it was just good sex with a good looking man. What you have to understand is women get emotionally attached once you have sex with a man. It's true but you have to see that and detach yourself from this other man. Also if he had any respect for himself, his wife, his own family do you really think he'd jepordize it? He's a selfish person and maybe you are too. You need to check yourself and your values and morals... I hope you can put your peices together before it's too late. I have and I love my hsband more than ever. Maybe you have to have a situation happen to you like it did me, before you can really see what you have and how you would hate your life if it ever was jepordized and he left you and took the kids. You have children don't do this to them specially if you love and have a stable marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Lets not beat around the bush, yes.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 April 2008):
 Well, I think I'm part of the moral brigade here. So, I will make my bias known.
I can't really understand how a loving husband will really believe that his wife sleeping with another man will make the relationship stronger. I believe that, when you're in love, you don't want her to sleep with anyone else.
I have seen many cases of married couples in which at least one of the spouses is having sex on the side. The other parties are called "mistresses" or "lovers", and I have never ever heard that this makes the marriage stronger. I have also seen cases where both spouses have lovers, and everybody knows about it. What I have seen in those marriages is a lot of repression; people don't really speak their minds, and they stay married for reasons other than love or companionship or whatever. Where I live, the usual cause is money. It is either too expensive to move out, or it is mutually advantageous to stay.
I don't believe your marriage is better than ever. You had sex with someone else, and your husband doesn't know about it. He might think that this is "business as usual".
On the other hand, my own points of view matter little. This is your marriage and your lives.
As to your question, poster, whether sex on the side will affect your marriage, it might. Your husband might say that he thinks your marriage is stronger. But the very fact that you're asking a question whether you should tell him or not means that perhaps his words won't match his actions. I believe that he said this thing about your seeing other men because he wanted to sleep with other women. He wanted to appear modern and flexible, because he thought you wouldn't really sleep with anyone else. You might be surprised if you tell him that you actually have.
In your post, you don't say that he has been sleeping with someone else. But, what effect would that have on you? Would you mind?
I would suggest that you think carefully what effect this sex on the side will have on you and your husband. That can help you make your decision.
If, over the long run, you end up in divorce because of this sex on the side, yes, your children will end up affected. But I think that they might be affected even if you don't divorce.
Children are way more perceptive than adults think they are. They just have trouble finding the words to say what they feel, or then they repress their thoughts because they are under the authority of parents. Suppose you and your husband do get this arrangement working. He sees other women, and you see other men. Eventually, the kids will know. You will believe that they don't, but they will. And that will affect them. My experience is that the willingness for relationships without sexual exclusivity develops over time. I am yet to see a child who shares that idea. I have seen indeed lots of children who disapprove of their fathers having mistresses.
Your life will be affected. Whether this change will be positive or negative is for you to decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): yes this will affect your whole life..and the thing is do you think you could give up everything for this one guy??? and if your relationship is stable surely you should stick with it instead of giving everything up for this one night thing..you should tell your husband what you have done and say that you feel guilty it will make you feel better.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 April 2008):
It could affect all, or it may not. Remember passion and lust are not love, and have nothing to do with it. I live my life in a very simple way. I'm a single parent, and I only take part in activities I can openly discuss with my children. If I took part in other activities, that would be living a double life, lacking integrity and strong character.
It's all about decisions and making choices. Do your choices affect family and career. Of course they do. Will these choices? Maybe, or maybe not. This is one of those "it depends" questions, that could stem either direction.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Talk to your husband and make sure he really wanats you to be with other men. If he confirms this...then TELL HIM!
Tell him about this other man, it will make your relationship better. and about craigslist....be very careful about the men you meet there. Join adult friendfinders instead or some other venue.
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