A
female
age
36-40,
*lbafeline
writes:Ok so where do I start.When I was on maternity, I spent long days in the house by myself. My husband has become rather un-attentive and has lost interest in most conversation. I was very lonely and restricted in money for doing activities. I joined a chat/dating website. I signed up under a false name. I had absolutely no intention of forming relationships, it was merely a confidence booster and a way to pass time. I chatted with numerous people but one person caught my attention more than others. Quite quickly we agreed not to go on the website and only use Skype or email to keep in touch. We are both married, he lives in Australia and I live in the UK. We chat for hours and get up at ridiculous times so we can 'meet up'.It's mostly just chat, we laugh so much and I'm so comfortable in myself with him. However a year later, I can feel myself starting to fall for him. I'm very attached to him and care deeply about him. It will never happen in real life so That's my excuse to why I can keep it going. I did try to cut contact once but I missed him so much. Before anything he is my friend. Yes I have tried to improve things with my husband, I make a lot of effort with him. Things aren't bad at home, it's a very loving environment for my child. I just can't walk away from this other man. So what do I do? Is it harmless as it will never come to fruition? Help!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 It was a fantasy for him, you thought it was real. THAT is how it often goes when people carry on bonding emotionally with another person they TRULY don't know.
All you know is what he TELLS you. Or what he hints at.
So accept your OWN culpability in all this and FOCUS on WHAT you NEED from your marriage and husband to make the marriage work for the both of you, not just 2 people who stay together because, well it sorta works and the kid is happier this way.
It's really not uncommon that people fall out of love after having been together for a long time. But the POINT is, you CAN love the one you are with, IF you accept them for who they are and PUT FORTH an effort to make it work. Being married is not just a fancy wedding and a baby or two, it's CONSTANT work. It doesn't always FEEL like work, but it still TAKES work.
YOU were so busy getting whatever you felt in need of (attention and the "rush" of feeling special (maybe?)) that you went OUTSIDE of the marriage to get it, INSTEAD of talking to your husband and finding ways for HIM to BE that guy for you.
Read 5 Languages of love. Think on it, talk to your husband and move on from this online fantasy affair and your hurt ego. That is really the least of it.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Albafeline +, writes (28 July 2014):
Albafeline is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you a for your answers. You only confirmed what I knew deep down.
I essentially told me friend how I felt. He pretty much said that he has no real interest in me as he loves his wife. I never wanted him to leave his wife but to say he has no real feelings for me as it was online and not real is so hurtful. After a year, how can he not. He didn't go to family events or nights out so we had time to chat. We emailed almost every day. How can that mean nothing?
That really stung. He wanted to keep it going as it was. Online friends with benefits.
I've just written him an email saying I'm offended and hurt by that. That he has misled me and now I feel a fool. I've told him that I can't turn off my feelings even though I know they are ridiculous and wrong. I've told him not to contact me again.
I feel so foolish. How could I fall for someone I've never met. I'm now sitting crying my eyes out because I'm sad I'll never see or speak to him again but also for my pride which is very hurt.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 July 2014):
 You will never make things better with your husband as long as you continue this relationship with this other guy. How could things ever get better when your undivided attention is with another man?
That's one thing I have heard people say over and over - that they just can't seem to rekindle their love for their partner. But they can't possibly do that while they are involved emotionally with another. How could they?
It's wrong and it's cheating. You may never meet up with him, I'll give you that. But being married, or even fully committed, means that you reserve yourself sexually, AND emotionally, for your chosen partner. That doesn't mean you get to have your emotional needs met by another man and your physical needs met by your partner. It means you devote your ALL to ONE partner. And if you find that you can't do that, you either leave and find someone who you can give your all to, or you abandon the person you're cheating with and you give your full, undivided attention to your partner in an effort to fix the problems. There's no best of both worlds option in between. And you certainly will never make things better with your husband as long as you stay attached to another man.
Either you love your husband and you do the right thing and cut ties and stop cheating, and work wholeheartedly on things in your relationship, or you walk away. Because what you are doing is wrong and you know it. Or you wouldn't be on here asking this question. Deep down, you know that what you are doing is wrong. And if he were doing it to you (your husband), you'd be crushed. Do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 July 2014):
 How would you feel to find out your husband was having the exact same feelings and conversations with a woman in a similar locale as your online boyfriend?
You are emotionally cheating yourself and your partner.
It's NOT harmless... as shown by the fact that you are already rationalizing your behavior...
IF your spouse said choose... which would you want?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 July 2014):
 A friend of mine, happily married for years, had harmless chats (her words) with a guy from oversees.
She would be up early hours because of the time difference, so they could chat.
Long story short, she met up (what harm would it do - she said) when he came to the UK. Left her husband for him eventually and he broke her heart.
Her husband did not ever suspect their chats were going on, he was oblivious, when he found out the 'whole' story he was devastated she had deceived him for so long.
That's what your doing, like it or not, your focusing on some stranger instead of your family. Your deceiving your husband and deep down you know it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 If it were your husband who had an online friend and not you, would you feel it would be harmless?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2014):
Is it harmless as it will never come to fruition?
If it was "harmless" you wouldn't HAVE these doubts.
YOU said it yourself you feel like you are falling for him, don't you think that is CROSSING a line big time?
What you are doing is having an EMOTIONAL affair. You are BONDING and SHARING your life with someone who isn't your spouse. You go out of you way to "spend" time with him.
You call him a friend... So have your introduced your husband to him? Like you would a friend who lived down the road? If not, what is stopping you?
Have you talked to your husband? I'm sure he knows something, but does he know the full extend?
Let me also ask you this... If the roles were reversed and your HUSBAND was chatting up (and falling for) a woman in Australia would you be totally fine with it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): Harmless? You're a mother! I'd hold you to a higher standard of consideration for others. Would you think it was harmless if your child's future partner cheats on them but thinks it's harmless because they won't meet in person? I doubt your child OR your spouses would.
Pick who you want to be with and come clean. It's not healthy; it was just filling a void before, now you need to make a change because it's gone WAY too far.
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