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anonymous
writes: Falling In Love With Someone I Should NotI am married and have a child. I love both of them. I am a Christian and know what is right and wrong. I know that having an affair would only hurt everyone involved, but...I can not stop thinking about another man. We work together on a lot of projects, mostly on the phone and through e-mail. A few months ago, we started talking about other things - I have known him for two years. We have a lot in common and I feel so comfortable with him. I feel an incredible connection - like we are soul mates and it doesn't help that he is extremely handsome. He treats me very differently than people he has worked with for many years. He is nine years older, single, extremely smart, witty, and very polite to me. He knows I am married and that I have a child but always avoids any conversation re: them. At my age, I know what I do and don't like in a man and know the possibilities of any working out between us is slim to none. Just can not stop thinking about him and like him more and more each time we talk/see eachother.Any tips on how to maintain a friendship and keep things from getting out of hand?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): Sweety, The onlt tip I have is 'focus on your husband and family'. You are floundering and you having a difficult time making the full commitment that marriage requires. It sounds like you aren't fully committed. When one marries, one chooses a certain path. Other paths, other relationships, are no longer an option. This is why people need to take the scarement of marriage seriously. A push to the limits like this sometimes happens to many married folk .However, if you aren't fully commited and don't want to keep nurturing your marriage, your heart will always goes back into its state of self-centeredness, meaning you are ripe for an affair. Because you are feeling stifled and limited by your marriage, you are allowing your emotional boundries down and are fantasizing about life with this other man. Remember, these are your feelings..you are responsible for that. This is a 'test' and many marriages go through this. Take this as a warning sign that you need to take the energy you are putting into the possible demise of your marriage and family, and reroute it into giving and being loyal, steadfast to your spouse/family. . You have some big decisions to make now. You must decide how much contact, if any, you can accept. You must decide if certain boundaries are crossed, what you will do.You must decide for yourself what is acceptable for you. If a boundary gets crossed there could be no return . I hope you make the best decision, based on your future happiness and that of your family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): I understand what you are going through and can sympathise. What you need to do in this situation is imagine life without your husband and whether you htink you can live without him and be happy. Take the temptation of this other man out of the equation as things may not work out with him anyway if you were to leave your husband. Follow your heart as that is what's true in the end, only you can know what is right to do and you who has to live with yourself. I am married since 8 months and have admired a chap for the last 2 years from afar in the gym and he has always been with his girlfriend. Recently I bumped into him in a club and we spoke for the first time and the electricity was like nothing I have ever experienced with my husband even at the first stages of our relationship. It turns out this chap is now single and the turmoil I felt at this news was unbelievable. We connected in a way that I have never experienced before and I cannot get him out of my mind. I have totally gone off sex with my husband and have constant butterflies thinking of this new chap. That is why I sympathise. My way of dealing with it is to take this guy out of the equation and imagin life without my husband. My husband adores me and tells me so every day, but I dont feel he is enough for me, I am bored already. If anyone can help me then please please reply I am currently in turmoil.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): This is in response to "hylmlr" posting.
I am not confused on what is right and wrong. I also know what I feel. I know in time, the heightened feelings I feel for Mr. X will change and could become deeper or just friendly feelings. The grass is never greener on the other side and all men have their strenghts and downfalls. Sometimes I find myself disillutioned into thinking me and Mr. X will be a "perfect match"; although, I know that may not be true sometimes I think we are a better match then me and my husband. My husband has been driving me crazy - he doesn't listen to me, he is unappreciative, he ignores what is important to me, he makes qualitative remarks about me appearance (you look better but could tone up your body more, etc.), so it does not help when Mr. X is so attentive to what I say and so quick to respond to me. I know this is a challenge and test for me - just taking it day by day and trying to pray even though I know have wrong thoughts in my mind. Good luck to you!
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reader, hlymlr +, writes (20 June 2006):
Does the other guy know how you feel/ or does he feel the same way do you think? I am going through the same problem myself and am christian except I have a boyfreind of one year, who treats me really good, and the other guy is married with a daughter and he's not sure what to do about his marriage. But he feels a very strong connection with me and I feel it too. The thought of how great we could be together and everything just consumes my mind all the time. I don't know him that well though I've known him a couple months. should we stay where we know it's comfortable or should we take a risk and leave our lovers I don't know I'm very confused myself
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 June 2006):
 I agree with the rabbit, if you are coming here for approval, you won't be getting it. Turn all that energy towards your family.
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reader, bonym  +, writes (16 June 2006):
 Whether you are a Christian or not, everyone knows this is wrong, well having an affair is wrong should I say. Its not sinful to find someone else attractive but the sinful act is having an affair. Cant you see that this is a test? I too am a Christian and I would be a bigger liar than satan if I said I never had feelings I shouldnt have or I never wanted to see a married man etc. I myself know what it is like to be in love with someone I shouldnt, I know how it feels. But listen my friend, you are married, you have a kid. There is nothing more to say on the matter, you can remain friends, but use some will power, you know nothing more can come out of this, so just stop letting his good looks get to your head and thank God that you are blessed with a good husband and a child. Some women cant even have what you have, so dont jeopardise it, ok? Take care xXx
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (16 June 2006):
 Maybe you are just bored in your current relationship and it needs spicing up a bit. Instead of looking elsewhere at other men, look to your husband for support and guidance. Tell him you feel a bit lost, or just tell him how you are feeling, try and work things out with him. You say you love him.. well stick with it, things have to be worked at to become great, but he cant just make things great without you letting him know whats wrong! Help him to help you and stop this fantasy of the other man. An affair will lead to heartache and you know that, just becuase its hard work in the marriage at times you have decided to take the easy option and get attention outside, right now its that that is ruining your marraige and you thinking of yourself and not your husband our your child. YOu are a wife and a mother and you say you know wahts right and wrong, so get over this other guy and make things work with your husband. Maybe you have both got to a blank point that does need work, but you have to do it together! Spend more time thinking about your family and less about this other man. hes just a distraction. Put the effort in with your husband and it will be worth it in the end. Dont take the easy route, stay with it and work things out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): If you know what is right and wrong, then you shouldnt even be asking the question. I'm no christian, but I dont think you should either be coveting this guy, or thinking of adultery.
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reader, Anja +, writes (16 June 2006):
 Having an affair would hurt God. You know it's not right, I don't know what your relationship is like with God but it doesn't sound like a particularly close one. Is your husband a christian too? You need to work on your reltionship both with your husband and God. Go to Him, pray, spend time with Him, He knows what is going on and He can help you. You know it says in the bible to look at someone lustfully you have already comitted adultery in your heart. Go to Jesus NOW, and by his good grace and love you can be set free from these thoughts. Take care, God bless you. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Love at first sight is easy to understand, it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime it becomes a miracle......
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): What you feel for this man is exactly what you felt for your husband in the beginning. It's what attracted you to him, remember?
It can only happen at the beginning of relationships, it isn't sustainable after decades and kids and lifes problems.
If you pursue this new relationship, it will end up the same way. What will you do then? look around the office for someone else to 'light your candle'and make you feel good?
Your husband behaves the way he does because he is comfortable with you, he trusts you, he doesn't think for a minute you will betray him and your child just to feel good about yourself. This is the key, this is about you, your needs, but you have responsibilties to those people in your life who love you.
If you are not happy, sort out your relationship,try the 101 things couples do to bring the romance and care back to their love. Go along to a session or two at your church and remember standing there with your husband promising for better or for worse.
You could be about to make your problems a whole lot worse.
Take time to sort out YOU. Remember that at home is a man who doesn't deserve to be hurt and a child who is happy with the family they have, no Stepfather needed, no shared weekends with two homes wanted.
You see you think you are in control but if your husband finds out and decides the pain is too much, he may decide to end the marriage for you. You won't necessarily call all the shots then.
Of course this won't happen because as you said you do know the difference between right and wrong.
You sound confused and tempted, please make the right decision and distance yourself from potential heartache now.
Maybe if you told your husband about your tempation he would be so shocked it would give your relationship just the kick it needs to make changes. Tell the guy at work you like him and that has made you question your commitment to your marriage, ask him to back away to help you to work on your homelife, if he's a decent man he won't want to hurt an entire family. Let him show someone else the care he has show you. Someone who is free to recieve it.
Go hug your husband..
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): You're coming here for approval aren't you? Well, I'm not going to do what I usually do and just say this: "You know exactly what you want, so just do what you want and get it over with."
[sigh]
PS: and that Christian comment better not be a self-righteous way of saying that only Christians know what's right or wrong, cuz that would just be shit-slap for the rest of us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Follow-up to question:
I have known my husband for 18 years and we have been married for 15 years. I love him - he is handsome, smart, witty, and I know loves me. We have our ups and downs as I know everyone does but I've reached a point in our relationship that the things that drove me crazy I don't care anymore. I am tired of telling him what is important to me - he doesn't seem to pay attention/care what is important to me. He has a hard time expressing any appreciation for me unless asked yet I do so much for him.
The man I am interested is also smart, witty, and handsome. The difference ishe does pay attention to the little things -- he seems to know me. He is kind to me and gentle with me, which I really appreciate. He treats me like I am special. My husband treats me like I am just okay and doesn't take the time to truly "listen" to me.
Sometimes I am just tired of trying, although I know I said "until death to us part and in sickness and health". The other man just happened into my life when I started to feel this way.
Believe me, I know that the heightened passion I feel for this man will not keep its intensity over time but I feel a strong connection to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Where is your husband in the picture? You should work on revitalizing that relationship first.Your husband should be the one meeting your emotional (conversational) needs.Plan an escape from the children if you have to. If I were you I would start to analyze this guy you work with- be picky about him, what are his quirks what turns you off about him? Exemplify those and refocus your mind to your husband.Trust me the mind can do amazing things. Just find a way to feel different around the new guy without acting too differnt. And focus on your family- think how beautiful they are and work towards strengthing those bonds
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