A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm about to reach my 30. I'm married and have a child. Living life happily with lovable wife. Recently, I got the contact of a girl who was my classmate in middle school. I had a crush on her but it was untold as my family moved out of town due to my father's job transfer. It's been 18 years since I spoke to her but the memories remain unaltered even a bit. Somehow, as the days passed I moved on and went on living a normal life and then married a girl who loved me. Now, as we both shared our memories it happened. I told her that I loved her. Even, I tried contacting her since 2007 but just now I came to know that she was not so social. She is married now and has a child. I assume she too got disappointed for telling the truth only now that too after our marriage. She told me that she likes me now but it cannot be taken as love reason for which could be in our country we follow the traditions of being a honest spouse. She is so practical and either do I but in her case I cannot take the things that had happened and now happening. She said nothing is going to change now and wants me to change my mind. She is right but as I said it is hard for me to accept the facts. Even when I try to leave away it's not happening. We both talk daily and share our thoughts as a normal friends. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I think it would be silly for you to keep having a friendship with this woman when you have feelings for her. The best thing you can do for your wife and child is to stop contact with this woman and be a good husband and Father.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnless it is only when they are getting to know each other as normal matured adults as Ms Llifton said which is my case. Anyway thanks for your concern.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 So you would be OK with your wife doing this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie- my wife knows about my first crush and she even knows that I chat with her. One more thing, if this is the case of her, I would feel sorry for that guy who failed to convey his heart in their adulthood and my wife would have told me like I did. We both are honest to each other..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2016):
You aren't looking for friendship. Be honest.
Have you told your wife about this? Because SHE is the one that needs to be OK with it, not strangers on the Internet.
My guess is your wife has no clue. So why not see how she feels? No?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for their views. Finally, you ppl don't even want me to be her old friend either.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Just reading the title is enough to answer.
No. You are married, stop talking to this woman from your past.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 September 2016):
 She is not the same person you had a crush on. Even if it wasn't years later, and you weren't both married with children, the person you had a crush on was a fantasy, all in your head. She was possibly nothing like you imagined as you will have put her on a pedestal and worshipped her (as is usual in a crush). In our head she will have been perfect. In reality, nobody is. Think how your wife will feel if she finds out about the contact you enjoy every day with this lady. How will it affect your lovely child if your wife decides to leave you? How will that make you feel?I feel very sad for you but part of being an adult is realizing we can't have it all and working out where our priorities should lie - and surely yours should lie with your wife and child.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2016):
Just stop the contact. The fantasy with this girl is over.
Invest all those thoughts and emotions into your marriage and your wife.
HOW would you feel if your wife was pining after some silly school crush 18 years later?
Grow up, OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Llifton and Malvern for your advices. We both don't have any intention of ruining or breaking our marriages. As said, we are trying to get to know both of them as adults but the old memories of mine takes the lead everytime. She had no idea about my crush on her during our schooling. But I'm not happy with the fate that took to this level. I'm the one should be blamed for flirting with her knowing that nothing I'm going to yield in return. What we wish is at least the old friendship prevails. But definitely we both won't lead to ruining of our marriages.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Absolutely cut all contact. The past is the past and you have both moved on and things are not the same anymore. You are both much older and wiser now and you no longer have the common bond of school. Do not ruin the happy life you now have, it's just not worth it. I am sure you are very flattered by her attention and she can't be truly happy to have even contacted you in the first instance. Do not encourage her because this is only heading into disaster for all concerned. Do not mention any of this to your wife because it will only upset her but do stop all contact with your past girlfriend otherwise it will eventually ruin your life.....and what for? Flattery? Flirtation? A bit of a thrill? ....it's not worth it is it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): You are only hurting yourself by taking this further and by being friends with this woman. Some things are just not to be. Enjoy your happy memories but leave them in the past. Focus on the future with your wife and child. Many married people have crushes and they have respect for their own relationship and avoid those situations which could harm that. Have that respect too.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2016):
 You need to cut contact as you are being deceptive and unfair to your wife.
You cannot love this woman, as she was just a child when you met her. You are getting to know her again, as an adult, but love takes time to build. Time you can't give as you are a married man.
She's right, you two don't need to carry this any further as you are both married and to do so would be wrong. You mentioned in your country, you follow the tradition of being an honest spouse. That's the same in most countries, that if you make your wedding vows and commitments, you are supposed to be honest. To be otherwise is to be unfaithful. And acting on your feelings is just that - unfaithful.
You are married and have feelings for another woman. The right thing to do is to cut contact now before it gets more out of hand and destroys your marriage.
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