A
female
age
41-50,
*arturallycurlyhair
writes:Dear all,I am a 37 year old woman with a great job and an even greater husband. I have my own house, I travel a lot and I love my life. I live and work in a ver small and narrow-minded community which makes me feel like a pariah because I don't have children. Everything I say or do is commented by them "well of course, you can't understand as you don't have children!". "You need to hurry and have children!" "Everyone with no kids is a weirdo", "You will regret this badly", "You are incomplete", "You're good at your job because you have no children so you have more time" and so on and so forth. Every single thing is about what a loser I am for not having kids. I cant reply in a rude way as I need to work with these people every day, what I usually say is that "Some people dont want children and their decision should be respected". But their stares and comments make me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am not normal because everyone has kids. I am getting really uncomfortable and obsessed over this. Not having kids makes me feel judged and weird and like I always need to justify how and why. I feel I'm losing my mind. Am I weird? Is there something wrong with it? Are they right? Will I regret it when I'm older?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 Next person that says something to you stop and just be blunt with them and ask them how it would make you feel to keep getting bombarded, that maybe you are not able to have children, has anyone thought off that? So many ignorant people in the world. I wouldn't care if I had to work with them daily or not I would bite it in the bullet and tell them its a topic not up for discussion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017): My sisters, all from an Italian family, tried to win my parent's attention by trying to race each other to see who would get pregnant first.My sister had that honour and man, did she gloat about it! Me, well I knew I was never the 2, 3 or 4 kids type. I wasn't even that into having one to be honest but I did have a child. And I don't regret it. He is my sunshine in life.He ended up having autism. A tough road. So I knew that even if I wanted more kids, I wouldn't be able to handle it. One child with special needs is difficult enough. And, there was a good chance other children would also have autism. I was not willing to take that chance.I found people would always ask why you have only one child. Like it's any of their business. As if having one isn't good enough. When I had no children, I was constantly asked why and pressured by family. And family members often talked behind my back, asking what was "wrong" with me. They made me feel useless and worthless. I have learned that no matter what you do in life, you will always have people questioning you, judging you and trying to bring you down. At the end of the day, you need to be strong enough to live life by your own convictions and be true to yourself. And tune everyone else out. They were able to make their own choices to have kids. You deserve the same respect and the freedom to make choices too, not to have kids.I do think there could be an element of jealousy as well. It bugs some people they had all that work with kids and you get a free ride. At least that's how they'd see it. I'm sorry you have to go through all this judgement. I still do because of my son's condition. I am made to feel like a parish in my own family because I am different, and he is different. So, I do understand. If I am being strictly petty, I had the first grand son in our family. And it was priceless seeing the almost visible fume coming out of my sister's nostrils. LolIt's your life. Live it as you please. Do what makes you happy. It's so short. Our world would be a much better place without mean, narrow minded and judgemental people. Often those judging others are miserable themselves. Also, an important lesson I learned and keep learning is don't let others make you bitter. You cannot control their actions. But you can control yours. Hang onto your joy. And inner peace.I wish you well. :)
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (4 September 2017):
Am I weird? HELL NO!Is there something wrong with it? NO!Are they right? Both sides have some part of the truth. But those guys shouldn't be shaming you and doing peer preasure to have kids ¬¬'. Will I regret it when I'm older?Only time will tell, really. You see, every person is different, and feel happy with different things. You are happy with your great career, your great husband, your house and your trips. That's what makes you happy, then IGNORE THOSE COMMENTS. They choose to have kids, travel less, keep renting, sleep less, that's their choice. Only you can choose what makes you happy, and how you live your life, not anyone else. Like you, there are many woman that chose not to have kids, and you know what? That's ok! My advice to you, would be to talk with each and every single one of your bullies at work, and tell them not to bully you and make those mean comments about you. That's the most assertive thing you could do, but I don't know if it could backfire.Best luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 I hate it when people act like sheep and stop using their brains like this, and commit such ignorant and stupid things. They comment because women, like it or not, still aren't equal to men. Men do NOT get comments like this at 37, or at any age, for that matter. But womens value is tied up to whether or not she's married and has kids. At least you are married, ha! Imagine the stupid comments you would receive if you weren't married and didn't have kids. But yes, this exact thing annoys me to no end. The whole society expects women to be nothing more than baby factories. I even wrote a long rant about this at a Norwegian forum, and got applauded by the other members who were also sick and tired of this. Every time the newspaper wants to write about how many children are being born each year, for example, they ALWAYS focus on the women: "Fertility is on the decline, WOMEN wait too long" or something else up those lines. It's complete and utter bullshit. I even looked into the statistics myself, having studied statistics. And what would you know, women in Norway actually have MORE children and the average Norwegian man! So it's MEN who wait too long or choose to have fewer children, in Norway, and not women. And yet the newspapers still only focus on women!!!! The entire time every question is always about: why wont women have more children, or why do women wait until they reach their 30-ties or whatever. And if a woman comes forth in the media and tells how she chose to not have children, she is being harassed by strangers telling her off for being selfish or whatnot. As if her uterus was public property. As if the entire point of her existence was to have children.
No, I'm with you, and don't for a second think that these ignorant people are right. They make me furious.
I once got a comment from a former childhood friend that I met on the street randomly, she just had a child and was parading the baby around. Then she started asking me if I had any children yet, and why not, and that I shouldn't wait. OMG. I bit my tongue, but I really wanted to ask her back: Oh, why haven't you gotten an education yet, why not?
It's REALLY rude to comment on you not having children, just so you know. You have every right to be rude in return, if you ask me. Bite their heads off next time by telling them it's none of their business whether you have children or not, and that your intellect and work ability is not tied up to your uterus, so in fact you do great at your job because you are skilled. But tell them if they choose to use their kids as an excuse for them slacking off and not doing a decent job, then that's their choice.
Really, I would just tell it to their face. Because such people annoy me. Once I was at a work event, where we had to stay overnight. I was really worn out, because of family drama and work, and in the morning I was super tired. A co-worked commented on how sleepy I looked, and I said that yes, I hadn't really had much sleep and was exhausted. She then said "Try to have 3 kids and you will know what exhausted is", and I just said back, all causally: "Well, that was your choice now, wasn't it?" I didn't get any further comments from her on that topic.
People with children can really be so self righteous against people without children.
And if people tell you that you wont understand because you don't have children, answer with "I didn't know my ability to understand was tied up to me having children or not, but thank you for pointing out that women without children must be dumb and unable to understand things". Or simply ask them "Why wouldn't I understand"?
That ought to put and end to these ridiculous comments. Yes, yes, I know you need to work with them, but unless you tell them to shut up about it, they never will, and they will ruin your work environment all the same.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 I'm curious to know where you're from, as the behavior you've described reminds me of being in church rather than being in general society, as maybe I live in an area where people don't make comments like that out of sensitivity towards people's right to choice, and the possibility that such a remark made to someone you don't know could really be hurtful in the event that they actually want kids but are medically unable.
I believe jealousy fuels quite a bit of the comments made to you by other mothers. I have one child, and I got some comments about how I should have more, and that my son would be really lonely without brothers or sisters (he really isn't!), that I shouldn't wait too long between kids, etc. Usually, people who aren't satisfied with their own lives try to tell others how to live.
It's not just with kids either. People like to do that with diet too. I eat healthy, but I am an omnivore, so I do get some protein in lean meats and animal products such as butter, dairy, and eggs. My brother-in-law has stints where he goes vegan, and when he does, we have to hear about how everyone should do it too. I have nothing wrong with veganism, but I think it's some of the same motivation to tell someone to be a parent that other people would say "Be a _______".
You are not a social pariah. There are a lot of people like you who don't choose parenthood, and that's perfectly fine! Not everyone should be parents.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 you even asked us a bunch of strangers Am I weird? Is there something wrong with it? Are they right? Will I regret it when I'm older? ANSWER to your first question WEIRD for not wanting kids NO YOU might be for asking us if you have your mind made up, we had 5 years with no kids after getting married and it was great as we had time to get to know each other before having others things to worry us, we did not know if we wanted them and did not know if we could have them when we found out one was on the way, WE NEVER REGRETTED IT but that was our life, and has nothing to do with you, the second question Is there something wrong with it? NO, defiantly not if you for what ever reason you and your husband don't want them you don't have to have them, but that is not saying in any way you would not make a good mother if you became one.the third question Is there something wrong with it? the only thing I see is that you ask peoples advice on something this important to your marriage,the fourth question Are they right? yes and no if you ask them for their opinion on it they are right to give their opinion but if you don't and if they force their opinions on you NO, they are been RUDE. You say you don't want to be rude to them but they have been rude to you, LAST QUESTION, Will I regret it when I'm older? from experience as I have someone very close to me that made the same choice when they were your age they had the hardest time once over 40ish they became happy with their decision as that is what they really wanted, there would be nothing worse than bringing kids into the world that are not wanted they would grow up hurt but you never know until you are thereYOU MIGHT BE GOOD PARENTS you might end up breaking up over having them or not having them, you might live happily ever after there is no guarantee in life, the kid might be born with a handicap, my 2 were and we did not even know when they were young but we all find strengths in us that we never know we had until we are put to the test.YOU COULD REGRET NOT HAVING THEM YOU COULD REGRET NOT HAVING THEM. you just have to find the way of living with the path you take in life as you can't give them back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): You're not weird and it's doubtful you'll regret it when you're older unless you buckle under to social pressure. You're happy and successful. Why change to please others? Like others here have said some of these people are likely jealous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): I know what I wrote was long. If you would indulge me further.
I won't say you will regret it. It is better than having children first, then regretting it! Revisit this in another two years. If you feel the same about it; then you won't be swayed by outside opinion.
Settle your concerns (or guilt) by simply accepting that it's not what you want, for now. You're young, still child-bearing age at 39; and you will have done just about anything you could wanted to do up until then. Most of those bugging you, who have teenagers; would do anything to trade places.
How's that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): I know the feeling. I'm a gay man. I'm successful, I'm told I'm good-looking, and all my lady-friends tell me I'm a good catch. I have a boyfriend. I had a previous relationship that lasted almost 30 years. I started out having sex with women; but I realized my feelings would not connect romantically. I had to be true to myself, and to women.
Over the years that I was single; I was pressured by family, friends, and neighbors. People tried to set me up. I came out to my father. My mother never knew; because she died when I was still very young. My dad says he and mom knew; and I noticed he never pressured me about girls. I did however; have girlfriends, but they never lasted too long. I fell in-love with a guy at 17; and he eventually became my partner. Cancer took his life.
Sometimes my siblings tell me they wish I had kids. They've told me they think I'd make a wonderful dad. I've considered it; but I think that window of opportunity has now closed. Maybe if I were 15 or 20 years younger. Not now. I am godfather to kids of my friends, nieces, and nephews. It's an honor! I would take care of them with the utmost love, should they lose their parents. I just don't opt to have kids of my own. I would consider my boyfriend's wishes. I am flexible in his case. I'd do anything for him. I do love children, and I would do my best to be a good father.
Yes, people expect you to follow the status quo. They envy your free-spirit, having disposable cash; and will not hesitate to harshly judge you out of self-righteousness indignation. Excuse me?!! Who the hell do you think you are?
Expect people to by-pass their filters and side-step their manners. Sometimes you just ignore them; and sometimes you must admonish them for being so forward and opinionated. You have an equal-right to your life-choices; and their opinions or suggestions regarding your choices are irrelevant. I've sometimes told people " No thanks for the unsolicited-opinion. It might have proven more helpful to someone who asked for it, or needed it. I don't!" You're a woman, and I know such remarks cut all the more, when said by other women! It's meant to.
My employees used to question why I'm single; or would try and fix me up with some single-female. They've learned through work-ethic seminars, and my silence, that is inappropriate. Asking is too personal and intrusive. To put it bluntly; none of their business! Inappropriate conversation on the job! Not an area to tread around the boss!
I even had a lady-friend of a friend, whisper audibly in my presence; "what a waste!" I excused her, and suggested if she says things like, at least have the balls to say it to my face. She apologized, claiming she didn't know I could hear her. I told her I'll place the apology on hold; and hope she learns better manners in the future.
Most times, I ignore the ignorance. It's really all you can do. Jealousy tends to be quite vocal nowadays; and people think they have a right to be direct when they see you as "different." They believe minding their f*cking business about your life-choices is being politically-correct, but not honest. WTF!!! If you don't know your way out, I'll show you! Free-speech is constitutional; which means I get to speak my mind as well! I'm really not that sensitive anymore.
Respond when you feel you should, but let it roll off your back. Politely smile, and abruptly change the subject. Choose the high-road; and take the wind out of their sails.
Speak your mind to repeat-offenders. You're under verbal-attack, and they're trying to hurt your feelings, or embarrass you. That's out of line and deliberate. If they're under my roof; I'd go as far as asking them to leave. Friends don't say things like that in a hurtful way. It's a left-handed compliment, when they believe you have all the good qualities of great mom.
Mothers are awesome! All women are awesome! Some just don't want to be mothers. So leave them alone about it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Pardon me but I think people are right when they tell you you will regret it in later years. I really think you should listen to the others and have not one but 2 kids atleast before it is not too late. You can easly arrange your work time to accomodate the new situation. Believe me having kids around will change your outlook to life to the better. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2017):
 I think if you don't regret it at 37, why should you regret it later?
Some people are insane. They drank the "kids are everything koolaid" simple as that.
I have 3 kids (and 3 step kids) and I have FULL respect for those who choose NOT to have kids. Better to NOT have kids if you don't want them rather than popping out babies you don't take care of, or can't really afford.
DO you!
Enjoy a neat and tidy home, being able to travel when you see fit, do as you PLEASE without having to think about school, sports, college fund, blah blah...
It's all good. Let it roll off your back.
I would just say to people: "This is my choice, I don't harp on you for HAVINg kids to keep YOUR opinions about me NOT having kids to yourself."
You don't have to live life for OTHERS!
If you and your husband are happy with things as they are- GOOD for you!
Honestly? I think sometimes those jabs are said out of jealousy.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (2 September 2017):
I grew up with a brother three years older who was a very difficult child. He got kicked out of 1st grade and things went downhill from there. He was pretty much jobless or dealt drugs during his adult life, passing away from cancer at age 55. My parents fought on how best to handle him and seemed as they were on their way to divorce over the situation when our dad died of a heart attack at one of the most challenging moments. So having my own kids didn't look so good to me (I haven't). Only one of us four kids has had their own child.
The worldly is very quickly becoming more and more over-populated, resulting in such things as climate change, growing pesticide problems and so on. I always cringe when I see a family photo of grandparents, their five kids and 20 grand kids (I have two sets of such cousins). I just think to myself that I am doing the right thing by not aiding to the population bomb.
There are a lot of benefits to not having kids and I'm very happy in life despite not having them. I know a number of other people without kids and they are all happy without them, too. We speak of mutual thanks every time another friend has child problems (which is frequently). So I am very sure that you're friends are misguided when they suggest that you've made a wrong decision in not having children. By the way, I'm 66 yo.
Would you ever criticize your friends for having children? It would be impolite to say the least. It is just as impolite for them to make such comments to you for not having kids. They will continue to bring this up so you will have to deal with replying to them. I can't think of a good yet polite answer that you can give them. But it'll be far easier for you to disregard their comments once you are more comfortable with you decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): I do not think you will regret it.If you do not want kids do not have them because you will not be happy.The world is already overpopulated.When people remark you cannot understand you do not have kids tell them you do understand that is why you do not have any. You and your spouses reproductive decisions are none of their business.Shut them down and do not take their crap.It should only take a few times of this to shut them up.Maybe people are also jello because you have the freedom to do as you wish and they do not.Live your life and be happy and remember there are a lot of worse things in the world.When people say things I do not like I pretend I did not hear them and change the subject...try that also.Always be true to yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): I completely understand how you feel. There is massive social pressure to have kids and people seem to think it's weird not to want them. I don't want kids either but people say things all the time like you better get on with it and you'll regret it if you dont. Its not helpful at all it just makes me feel completely inadequate and like my other achievements count for nothing.
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