A
female
age
51-59,
*orthrnwmn
writes:I have a male friend who I have been friends with for 4 years. Nothing sexual just great friends, We do all kinds of things together, camp and even sleep in the same tent with never any sexual feelings. His new girlfriend is jealous of me and refuses to let him and I do things together. We can't talk email or have lunch together. Help.
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female
reader, hisgirl +, writes (31 December 2009):
The crazy thing about me reading this question is that the friend that is a girl sent it to me along with other website with questions like this. I'm not jealous I'm just trying to make his life easier and mine as well. He's told her numerous of times to leave him alone and has even blocked her number and email yet she still trys to bug him. She has texted and called from his friend's phone, at first pretending to be the friend, and then admitted it was her. He blocked her email and she sends emails through a different account, she always has tried calling him on skype since she is blocked on the phone. The girl is basically crazy so why wouldn't the BOTH of us want her out of his life. Plus we have a child together and you never come in between family. So I hope she reads this and I will be putting this on all the other websites she has sent me. Oh and there is a difference from being jealous and have a female's intution about another. I don't have problems with his other female friends.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): "only a woman with a very low self esteem would allow such a close friendship just to keep the man."I can't stand when people believe that there is no possible way for a female and a male to be friends without anything sexual/romantic. And no, if no friendship boundaries are being crossed (My rule being that you do not say, do, or treat your friend in a way you wouldn't treat your own blood sibling) being close friends with the opposite sex while you are in a relationship is not emotional cheating. The only difference between confiding in a close female friend and a close male friend is gender. That is it.Personally, from the quote I displayed at the top I would say you are the one with insecurities. A good friend that you can trust is a good friend that you can trust. Male or Female.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 I feel like some close female friends are on a par with a sister. As long as you guys don't do anything you wouldn't do with a sibling, I think she should accept your friendship.
I'm a jealous person by nature, but that it my nature and wouldn't justify a guy turning his back on a female friend. I wouldn't trust a guy that would abandon a friend, male or female.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (4 February 2009):
I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here, even if no one agrees with me.
The poster has said that the girlfriend doesn't want him to talk to her, email her, or have lunch with her. That's very different than sleeping in the same tent. I can understand not wanting a boyfriend to sleep with another female, but I don't think it is EVER acceptable to turn your back on a friend. Even if the friend is the opposite sex, and you're in a relationship... the right thing to do is to stand by your friends. How do we know that the girlfriend is not jealous?
It's understandable if she is jealous, because women are inherently jealous. I'm a woman and it's true.
It's difficult to say who is number one. If you and your platonic friend have been best friends since kindergarten, then being asked to choose between your friend, and a girlfriend, is like being asked to choose between your sibling and a girlfriend.
I think that eventually we all want to choose a partner to share our lives with. I think it's special when your partner is your best friend.
I hope that my advice helps, but I think that the best thing to do is talk to your friend and tell him how you feel, he'll understand.
Is it possible you are feeling threatened? I'm not judging you for this, it's understandable. Even if you don't like him as more than a friend, jealousy is natural when you're close to someone and someone new comes into their life.
My best friend got a girlfriend, and I felt torn because I really wanted him to be happy, but I felt threatened by the relationship. It's hard when you've been close to a person for years and things change in your relationship. He didn't turn his back on me, I was insecure though.
Je répeté: Talk to your friend, he'll understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I will not let my boyfriend have a woman sleep in his bed, period. Is that jealousy? I think it is respect. And although I will not try to keep my boyfriend from having friends, if he had one like you: who feels entitled to be his #1, she would not be acceptable. That is not jealousy as you immaturely frame it, that is respect too. You stink of self-importance. Four years? So! Try a lifetime, that is what marriage would be a vow about. I want a man who is closest to me and his family. We can spend time apart, of course, and I want space. But at the end of the day, we are each others' best friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): You say jealousy, some think boundaries. No matter what he tells you, you are not in their relationship to know what they discuss. I agree that maybe "no lunch, no communication" is too much, but sleeping together because you say it's fine doesn't make it fine with his woman --platonic friends may change. She does not have to trust you; and it's none of your business whether she trusts him.
You do not own your friend. He has a girlfriend whom he takes seriously and is trying to make a relationship work with. Your opinion is irrelevant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I would also wouldn't want you close to him. What's wrong with you? Would you like your new boyfriend to be enjoying intimate friendships with other women? That's emotional cheating. It sounds more like a question a 6th grader would ask, not a 40 year old.
If he values more your friendship than his relationship he might as well be alone only to enjoy your frienship and nothing else because only a woman with a very low self esteem would allow such a close friendship just to keep the man.
I believe she doesn't lose much if she dumps him or he dumps her.
It doesn't matter if there's nothing sexual. When you are an adult and you have a relationship the best and greatest part of your emotions are to be shared with your partner and not with your friends.
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A
male
reader, Jayman1 +, writes (3 February 2009):
When are you women going to realize that jealousy just pushes us men away. We need to be with our friends male or female and not spend every minute catering to your every whine. If you are secure in yourself and your relationship then you don't have to worry.
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A
female
reader, northrnwmn +, writes (3 February 2009):
northrnwmn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know what is wrong with you jealous people. We are FRIENDS and have been for 4 years. nothing sexual has ever happened and never will. We are more like brother and sister. My boyfriend is totally ok with this he trusts both us. She will not even try to get to know me or be friends. She is extremly jealous and tries to keep him on a short rope. He has told me she is driving him away with her jealousy and who will be there in the end? HIS TRUE FRIEND!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): One day you may be in her shoes with your own boyfriend. He obviously takes his new relationship very seriously and so does his girlfriend. To be honest I would not want my boyfriend sleeping in a tent with another woman - friends or not. I have seen way too many 'friends' turn into lovers who always said they were just friends. Fact is it happens and everyone knows it. So if you are really just friends with this guy and have his very best interests at heart you will be happy to be friends with both of them and would not want to hurt the feelings of his new girlfriend in any way at all - after all his girlfriend is his choice not yours. To this end I agree with the other reply that you should invite BOTH of them out to things so you are making a clear message that you are trustworthy and are prepared to be friends with both of them too. This way you can maintain your existing friendship and hopefully gain a new one into the bargain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): You need to back off and realize you are not on a coordinate level with his girlfriend anymore, if ever you were. Your frame is: "she won't let him". My frame is: he can only be controlled to the extent that he allows it/wants to be. Apparently his relationship with his girlfriend is serious enough that he is putting her first. And you need to respect that. When a man marries, his wife is supposed to be first-- maybe that is where he sees this going. As I suggested, back off. Invite THEM to things and see if she comes around.
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