A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i am 16 and i have been going out with this girl who i absolutely adore for 2 and a half years, i thin she's the most beautiful person in the world and i love being with her. we've gone through a lot of crap in the past, her kissing other boys, me kissing another girl but we've always ended back with each other. i'm not the sorta guy to remember dates so she get's annoyed when i can't remember things, also she bought me something special and i lost it the next day, it was a complete accident though. and i can't read what she is thinking very well. because of the two parties she has been to without me she has kissed other boys, i lost a lot of trust for her (she lied and hid it from me) she tells me i make no effort, and because she's in 6th form and im in the year below she's getting invited to these parties i can't go to. when i hear about these parties i go off with her, because i'm scared that she'll do the same again. then she thinks i'm 'immature manipulative controlling and stupid' when i show that i'm not happy about her going. it's like she just notices the bad stuff about me, i feel she never picks up on the good things i do, and like all her girlfriends think i'm a dick from what they hear from her. i don't feel i am being so manipulative and controlling, i mean i'm fine with her going out with her friends and going places without me, she just get's so angry when i ask her who she is with or what she is doing. she's ended it today saying that she can't take it anymore, i think she generally does have such strong feelings for me, she's depressed though and pretty messed up in the head, but i try keep her optomistic and help her :/ she never notices that, it's the arguements which she remembers. i just feel generally down because she's down all the time i dont have a clue what to do, i love this girl with all my heart, but no matter how much i want her and how jelous i get when she's with other boys, i still can't help thinking that if we do get back together, it will still be an unhealthy relationship because she's depressed, but she thinks im the reason for her depression. sorry this is long and really confusing i just thought maybe someone could make sence of it or relate to atleast some of it, please leave some opinions x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): thanks a lot, this is really helping :) x
A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 Your letter caught my eye, for the reason that I was speaking with someone about the very same thing not too long ago. What stood out among other things is that you said your g/f was depressed. If you know what her depressing is about or caused you can start to work with this. Show her support, and help her try to get someone to talk with. It is very hard on a person to function when they are in a state of mind such as she is. No doubt at times some of her actions can be the cause of her depression. I feel that is where you should start. You can look at this as a break, a fresh start to maybe start over again. You can try to be her friend so to speak. I relize how hard it is on you, right now. When you love someone it is very hard to see beyond your feelings. This does not only go for you, but for everyone. I will try to help you understand a few things. You did say you both kissed other ppl. Your right in saying it's hard to trust after that. As I said you can start a new if you are able to sit down with her and talk about it. If you can be strong enough and mean it. You can ask her if you can still be friends and try to show a different side of yourself. You can try to explain to her that you are trying to understand and with her help you will try to give her what support she needs. I'm sure it will touch her heart to hear this from you, but you have to try to follow through with it. Your aim must be true. Being a friend is a start of becoming closer. No matter what she may do other than walk all over you, or mistreat you shouldn't you take it personal. As far as her feeling as you stated that you are "immature manipulative controlling and stupid" Sometimes in anger/hurt we do lash out. I'm sure you are not any of this. You would not write asking for help if you didn't care for her. This also shows signs of maturity, caring, and also to be humble as I feel your letter reflects. The hardest thing for most ppl to do is to let go of the past. If possible when you do talk with her, try to explain that the past should be buried. You nor her will bring it up, for it will interfear with the future. If anything try to explain to her that you can both learn possitive things from the past, which is how to act/react in the future.You can also let her know that you know that you have hurt her. I feel her calling you such *names* or talking bad about you to her friends is just a release of hurt. I know it is hard, but if can try not to take it personal, and never lash out her because of it. But rather explain that it does hurt your feelings. You have feelings aslo.As far as her being a grade higher than you it's not a big deal. If you ask her nicely that you wouldn't mind going to parties with her and that you would *behave* I'm sure she would have you come along. I say *behave* not because I feel you wouldn't. I say it because I feel she may need to hear this, for her own sake. This is not about controling you. This is to give her some security within herself.You do sound like caring person. You also were fare/honest and stated your faults. To me that is also a sign of maturity. So I feel you can carry throught with a few ideas I have given you. Don't worry about forgetting things, everyone does. That sometimes you are/can't be the way she wants you too. That is an issue of hers that you might want to try to explain to her also. But remember it does work both ways. If you want to try to repair this you can try making notes of things that are important to her. Get a notebook and writing what it is that you want to accompish for her. It is something many ppl do with bad memories or who are forgetful of things, such as dates, gifts and so on. No one needs to know you do this but yourself.I can sugguest you write her a letter. This would be a great start. In the letter you can tell her you are sorry for whatever she feels you have done, and you should specify what it is. Don't take this personally. We women are strange that way, and sometimes a sorry can go a long way *s* You can also state that you would like to start over as friends. That you will support her, and be there for her even if she only wants to talk. Try to make her understand that you do care about how she feels and how she is feeling, wheater you are b/f and g/f. The most important thing you can tell her is that if she confides in you, you will never break this trust. Never make her feel bad about anything that she will say about her depressions or how she feels at times because of this. Also anything that she might say that has happened to her to bring this on. If she feels she can trust you 100% you will see that she will feel closer to you. This is were the relationship will begin to heal.I just want you to know I do relize how hard it is on you. How frustrating it is to be with someone and not know what is going on with them. If you really love someone, this means sacrefices. It is hard work, and demanding. The question is how much does this girl mean to you? Is it worth it to you to do all this? Though you are both young it doesn't mean your feelings should be taken likely. She may not be the woman you marry, but right not she is the woman in your life, and the one you care about. It will do you good to try to make it work if you really love her. This will also teach you lessons that you can carry on in your later life. She is also lucky to have you. You did ask for help, in mending your relationship. I do hope it works out for you, and things get better. I do very strongly feel that friendship is where you should start now. That a letter to her is the first step you might want to take.I hope some of my ideas have helped you...I wish you the very best of luck...tc
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A
female
reader, Nico-La-Yo +, writes (24 March 2009):
Girl's perspective:
I would say that she's the one being immature, don't tell her that but sit her down sometime for you guys to just talk no shouting or storming off or anything, just to get every thought you've had about it out in the open. You feel like she doesn't appreciate the good things you try to do for her? Tell her. And if she still takes no notice, then not to be harsh, there are other girls, because I know how you feel, you love her a lot and possibly see a future with her but once you are past the first time you're in love there can be an even stronger one waiting (I know I sound mighty cringy but my life might as well be one cheesy romcom turned greek tragedy). But basically, the key to this is TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER.
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