A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please bear with me- I know I sound quite petulant in some of my actions, but I'm trying to own up to it and fix what I've been doing.I've never really had a successful relationship. I end up dating a guy and by 3 months it's always over. These guys had little consideration for me, were selfish, and often lost interest. It's always painful.I've been badly burned before. But now...I'm dating someone who seems different from the rest. He's calm, patient, understanding, sweet, trustworthy, and kind. He makes me feel special and loved. I'm working with a counselor and she's assured me there are no red flags and that this is a good guy who is into me. My friends have assured me of the same thing. However, I find myself constantly looking for red flags and imperfections to prepare myself for the worst. I'm aware that this is super unhealthy and takes away from the joy I could be having in the relationship, but I'm not sure how to stop. Some of my habits: -getting mad at him for no reason when he's out of town: I never tell him and I know he can't tell, but I'm always afraid when we're apart that he'll realize he's not into me-purposely texting short responses: I pout when I feel like I'm not getting enough attention. I hate this and really try not to because I know it's so counterproductive-getting mad when he doesn't reply/respond exactly how I want (very immature, I know)-wanting him to be more communicative: he texts me daily and I see him 4 times a week for dates, but he's quiet so sometimes I wonder if he really likes me, if he feels the same about me or has changed his mind, does he really want to do the activity/date or does he just feel like he's forced to? I've casually brought up a few of these things and he's said he'll try to be more communicative but that he is shy and just happy go lucky but promised to tell me if he feels pressured to do anything or doesn't want to. I HATE these things about myself, but I am so worried that I'm missing a red flag or if I stop being a control freak, something will go wrong. If I enjoy it too much and let go, maybe I'll miss something. I'm at the age now when people are starting to get engaged and married. We've only been going out a few months, but I'm afraid to invest so much in this and get hurt. I've been dumped so many times. There's so much our relationship has to go through before forever, but it's so hard and there are SO many opportunities for me to mess up or for him to leave. How do I deal with this?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 The way I see it is if you keep behaving this way then you will lose him. He sounds like a nice guy but you cannot treat him the way you have been, at some point he will get fed up and leave. It is unfair off you to treat him like this just because you have been hurt in the past. He did not hurt you. He has done nothing wrong.
Most off us do get our hearts broken at some point, but you cannot live your life wondering what if. You need to move on and be the best person and partner that you can be.
Make small changes. When he is out don't try calling him, distract yourself so that you are to busy to be worrying about him. Stop with the short replies because yes they are childish. It seems you are needing a lot of attention. You need to give him attention as well. It is tiresome to go out with someone who is needy. So again make small changes in that department as well. Off course you will need to want to make these changes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): One thing I advise is not to consider all your past relationships as wasted time. Yes, they didn't go well and yes you were mistreated, but if you only think about the negatives in the past, you'll focus on the negatives in the future. Everyobdy (well, most people at your age) has had more than one relationship, some good some bad, but they've all lead to where they are now- the present. The experiences from those relationships play a part in how you are in your current relationship. Of course, the mistreatment isn't something you should have experienced, but all these things play a part.But you are right to worry that some of habits might ruin things and good on you for trying to fix them. Have you told your man about this problems? If he is as good a person as you believe, he would understand and want to help- whereas if he doesn't know, he might think something isn't right, and move on.Whatever you do do, don't try to control the situation. Whatever will be, will be. Your actions that you gave examples of may well scare him away, but if he knows, he'll be understanding. And remember- nobody in a relationship is free from the baggage of past relationships, your boyfriend included.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): Relationships are based on love, trust, and consistency. Immaturity does not fit into the equation. You sound like you sabotage the relationship; because you expect something to go wrong. That's based on cynicism. You may have a distorted perception of what a relationship is, and what it requires.
You may be somewhat of a perfectionist, and you translate this trait into how to conduct a relationship. Expecting everything to always go right. You are also dictating to him how he must behave, while not behaving yourself. If he is a loving and caring individual, he doesn't need you to tell him how to be one. If he isn't, what are you holding onto him for?
I think you really need to concentrate on how you contribute to the relationship; not so much on how you're treated. You say he's being good to you. The act like it. Women sometimes have the notion all the responsibility lies on how men treat them. Sorry, it goes both ways ladies!
You don't form relationships with people with the intent to tailor and change them to suit your needs and desires. You don't make them accept all your imperfections, if you can't accept any of theirs.
Therapists and counselors are not there to tell you how to act and be a responsible mature adult. They can analyze your behavior and make suggestions; but it's you who has to grow-up and be reasonable. Not waste your money talking to people you don't listen to.
You say he is happy go lucky. Don't suck the light out of his soul. Add it. Fight as hard as you can to stop giving into your impulsive-behavior; or continue your treatment, and don't get a boyfriend until you're well enough.
It doesn't make you broken or a bad person; it only means there are things you need to workout about yourself first.
I have witnessed so many good and wonderful people damaged and destroyed by people who need professional-help, but they took a chance and trusted them. Now they aren't who they used to be.
Emotionally-fit and healthy people deserve relationships that flourish, and they should receive what they are able to offer. If you feel you can't control your behavior, you owe it to him to let him go until you can. No one should take what they cannot give in return.
Work with your therapist and listen. Your boyfriend may eventually decide that all he gets from you is telling him how imperfect he is, and what he has to do to make YOU happy. I would advise him to find someone else, who can accept him for the good man that he is. It's not all about you. It's a relationship, that requires at least two people.
It's a two-way proposition. He should get in return everything he gives you, and if he isn't perfect, that's because he is as human as you are. He loves you for who your are, and he deserves absolutely the same.
Create false red-flags, and sabotage him right out of your life. I think you should listen to your therapist. Otherwise, why are you seeing one? If you're not well enough; why do you have a boyfriend? You say the therapist says he's okay, but what about you?
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